Hello Mr. Silver, My name is Lashay and I am 23 years old! I am trying to deal with my past! I've finally got to the place that I can acknowledge that it happened. Which has taken me a long time to do! When I was 8 years old my two of my cousins asked if I wanted to play a game I said sure! So they turned off the lights and they took turns entering me! The worst part was that they made me do oral sex on both of them. Someone walked by and saw that the lights was off! My cousins got in a lot of trouble,and they learned their lesson! That was my first time I was sexually abused, but the next year a high schooler who lived down the street from me started doing things to me. He would make me lie to his family members, and say that I wanted to watch cartoons! While I was on the floor he would come in and turn my world upside down! No matter how much I tried to refuse he would threaten me! I never understood how no one in the house knew what was going on! This guy got my mind so twisted that I ate out of the garbage can! One day he went to the fridge and got out a hot dog, and told me to eat it. I thought he wasn't watching me, so I through it in the garbage,he threatened me again saying that he would tell! I wasn't safe on the bus ride to and from school. He would get a jacket put over my legs, and place his hands between my legs. Sometimes he would get a piece of paper that I said I love you on and show everyone and tell them that I had a big peach (bottom)! I would deny that I wrote what was on the paper, and that he saw me! No one would believe him thank goodness! Often times he would come to my house to ask for different things! At night when my mom and I would come home late he would sneak into our garage and I would see him he told me not to say anything then he ask my mom if he can borrow a movie! One day my friends brother came to my house to find his dog, and the guy came running up, and told my friends brother that I had a big peach like he always did! The boy ran in search for his dog! I don't know why didn't ask him for help! When there was no one around he hot me in my garage held me against the wall put his tongue in my mouth, and instead of pulling his pants down he put his crotch to mine and started moving up and down! I feel guilty because I didn't tell anybody! While this was still going on I went to a child psychologist because my grades was low, and my behavior was bad! The doctor asked why I acted the way I did I told him I didn't know, and he bought the lie that I told him! He said that I had ADHD which I still have to day not as bad! There are a lot more memories that are still locked away in my head which I don't think I'm ready to deal with right now! All this started @ 9 and ended @ 11! His family moved away when I was 12 which I thought was great because he is gone, but a part of him stayed! My body craved the very thing that I was trying to avoid! Many times it would feel like there was someone in my bed doing things to me! When I awoke I felt dirty so I would get up and take a bath, but there was not enough soap and water to make me clean enough! There was a point in my life that I was dealing with gender identity issues! I did some things that I am not proud of just to survive! I found out that the homosexual life style wasn't what I need! It took me 10 years to be able to tell my mom about that the the boy down the street! I told her a little about the reason why I told her but not everything! You see I was on the verge of suicide I had already started carving smiley faces on my hands just enough to feel the pain never to leave permanent scaring! I had to go to the doctor earlier this month because I was very depressed, the doctor but me on anti depressants they worked for a little while then they started making me crazy I would get very angry, and having suicidal thoughts which I haven't had in a long time! There are people in my life that tell me that I need to get over this, and forgive the people who hurt me! I keep forgiving, but these memories that I locked away for so long will not stop coming! Currently I'm in college, and I am starting to loose my motivation my grades are dropping I went from all A's to B's and C's in one semester! School use to be my get away place, but not any more this semester I met a guy who reminds me of the person that hurt me, every time I see him I cringe! He shows up out of no where and hug my friend and me! He does not deserve the things that I put him through! Yes, he can be strange at times, but still he doesn't deserve it! God has brought this amazing man in my life whom I love and trust! It has taken me a long time to be able to let a man hug me, or be close to me! For a long time I didn't think I would be able to love a man the way I love him! He makes me think that I may actually get married someday! I've came a long way, but I could really use some help on how to completely heal from this!
Lashay, If you had a chance to read any of my many similar responses to these questions, I am pretty consistent about telling sexual abuse victims that the only way to make the trauma memories go away and be neutralized to the extent that they no longer are triggers for you is to investigate the EFT programs which are offered by thousands of EFT practitioners and proponents all over the world. It seems weird to do this "tapping technique" on your acupressure points but the effectiveness is over 90% in almost all cases. Once you have gotten through the worst parts, then you can use it yourself to help heal/neutralize any future upsets in an effective manner, without the drugs and years of talk therapy.
Primary sites for information are:
but there are hundreds more out there.
I suggest that you do a search on "EFT and whatever your city is" to find a local practitioner who can help you. I know this has been agony for you, but a few EFT sessions from an experienced practitioner will allow you to move forward with your life and love interests with grace and dignity in a very short period of time.
I hope this is helpful for you. It has worked for thousands and thousands of others...