Molestation/Molestation Guilt: Brother molesting sister
I tried to search for a few answers here on AE but nothing matched my problems. I'm sorry if this question turns out to a bit long but I cannot do this without connecting the dots.
It all started when I was really small, probably when I was in my 1st grade and my hand accidentally touched a female classmate/friend's rare part. She asked me to do it again, and again but obviously, both of us didn't know what was going on and we were only exploring out of sheer curiosity. She would ask me to do it whenever we met, in school when no one was around, etc.
Long story short, her parents found out one day and I was held responsible. They told my parents and instead of being educated about it, I was beaten and threatened of being handed over to the police. Thanks to that, I have kept myself from even befriending girls for all these years and I have felt like I have a demon inside me that needs to be kept away from them.
Now, my exploration had extended to my sister too who is 5-6 years younger than me (who was about 3-4 when it started). Sadly, what stopped with the girl soon after the incident, carried on for longer with my sister.
I haven't been the social kind and I had really few friends growing up. I usually found myself with my sister at home and I would end up touching her inappropriately when she would be sleeping or when we were playing together, etc. I have about 2-3 incidents that I am really guilty of. I have never done anything but touch her private parts. Moreover, as strange as this might sound, I almost never had sexual feelings about what I was doing. But I am forced to believe that I did as for the last few times, I was a grown up (from ages 17-19).
Now lets skip to the last and the most important part. I isolated myself about 2 years ago when I was 19 and I felt very strong sexual urges during the period. Although I had told myself that doing the things I was doing was wrong, I felt out of control one night in winter and I tried making a move at my sister again. But thankfully, I wasn't successful and I when I snapped out of it, I apologized to my sister.
It is almost magical how I do not have any of those urges right now (I'm 21 now) and the things I did back then disgusts me. It almost feels like it was someone else doing all that back in the day and I have been able to maintain a normal relationship with my sister, if not a good, loving one. She doesn't seem to remember anything from the past but I cannot tell. Also, I cannot confront her and talk about it.
I cannot talk about this with my parents. Also, I cannot go to a therapist as I feel extremely paranoid that s/he might end up confronting my parents about it.
Now I have a few questions I would like to ask:
1. I am riddled with extreme guilt for I don't even know how long. When I even look at a girl, I am reminded of the things I did to my sister and I suddenly withdraw to a shell. I haven't even befriended a girl for all these years, let alone get into a relationship with one. I've pin-pointed the reason to this and hence, I'm here looking for help.
Was I at fault for the things that I was blamed for when I was small? Or was I victimized?
2. Due to the incidents that followed after the thing with me and the girl from school, is it possible that I was traumatized in any way for all these years (considering my lack of social life and inability to befriend girls. I can talk to girls very easily but when I see myself going closer to them even emotionally, the incidents turn up in my head and I end up running in the opposite direction)?
3. I haven't been able to give a closure to the incidents that happened with my sister when I was 19 as I had hit sexual maturity by then (I had discovered a lot about sex and I certainly knew the right from the wrong). Is it possible that there was something deeper going on with me?
Is it possible that I could be having a hormonal issue when I was 19 that led me to do the thing that I did? I especially feel guilty for that because I had told myself when I turned 18 that I had grown up and I would leave all the things behind me and would make a fresh start at life. But when I couldn't control myself, I just feel extremely guilty.
4. When someone touches me (even my male friends), I feel extremely uncomfortable. Could it be resulting from the things from the past?
5. How can I ever build a meaningful relationship with any girl? Is it even possible for me to forget the things I did and move on after giving them a closure?
Ranome, First, have a look at the information on this web page:
That covers a lot of ground concerning your basic fears/guilt about childhood interest in sexuality and behaviors.
Your experience of being beaten and threatened as a child left PTSD fears and guilt due to the trauma inflicted. Your "desires" as a teen are perfectly normal stage of sexual development and they will continue for years to come. Your brain doesn't fully mature until about age 25, so there is a lot of confusion and impulsive behaviors that occur in the teen years. Just because you turn 18 doesn't mean that you have "matured" or grown up, whatsoever. Look at your peers and decide.
So, the quick answers to your questions are:
1.Your guilty feelings, now observed with a mature mind, mostly came from the trauma of being beaten. Also, you now know where the boundaries are when applies to touching other people, especially women. Your maturing mind now sees that what you did as a child was inappropriate, but really just a part of sexual education that wasn't being given through your parents. Your mind body remembers being beaten and associates it with being sexual with a female, so it is "not safe" to do so, based upon the unhealed trauma of your childhood beating experience.
3. At 19, you should have been able to discern inappropriate sexual touching with your sister, but your mind and body are in a push-pull tension with your sexual feelings and what is "right" especially if you have a "willing" partner, even though she is, herself, not mature enough to understand the consequences of expressing herself sexually to you. I think that it all wraps round your young trauma experience.
5. You have to release the trauma memories and forgive yourself (and ask for forgiveness from those you have harmed) in order to move forward. The EFT process will clear your old trauma memories and allow you to fully embrace who you are and move forward with your life and love interests.
IF you can't trust your counselor to keep your secrets safe from your parents, then you must choose a different path. I recommend having EFT sessions with a practitioner who can also teach you the basics on how you can help yourself handle these kinds of issues in the future.
Follow this advice and your life will change completely in the next few months.