Molestation/Did i molest my cousin when we were both children?
QUESTION: I've been suffering with guilt, regret and fear for a good few months now because of something that happened when I was a child.
I'm an 18 year old female.
When I was 8 years old I made a mistake out of curiosity with my 2 year old cousin. (2 year and a couple of months old, also female)
We got involved in a game that involved the both of us touching each others private areas.
I didn't even know what that stuff was and I certainly didn't know it was anything sexual as I didn't really know much about sex at that age. It was never forced or anything like that and I never hurt her and she never told me to stop or that she didn't want to play.. I would never harm my cousin, I love her.
We only played this game a couple of times (I don't remember how many times exactly, but it didn't go on for very long as far as I can remember)
This was never a planned game and I can't even remember how it started. Once we stopped doing that stuff my cousin only ever asked about it once (I think it was shortly after we stopped doing it) she asked if I remembered the game.. I panicked and out of fear I said I couldn't remember it, she never asked about it again. She's 13 now. We were still very close growing up and she's never been afraid of me or never not wanted to be alone with me or anything like that.
I just have this guilt and regret that it happened and I wish I could go back in time and stop it from happening.
I'm also scared.. Pretty much terrified in case she tells anyone about it.. I don't want people to think I'm some kind of monster or to end up in jail because of a mistake I made out of curiosity when I was 8 years old. I'm really not a bad person, I just made a bad mistake out of curiosity and lack of knowledge about anything sexual.
Do you think my cousin remembers what we did and do you think I could of scarred her for life?
She seems perfectly fine and happy and I'm really not sure if she remembers anything about it.
But I still have this guilt, regret and fear that she does remember and that she'll tell everyone or that I've ruined her life or something.
I don't know what to do, I'm constantly down about this and keep crying.. I've been close to committing suicide on more that one occasion over this.. I'm just so scared.
ANSWER: Dear Rose, Please know that you are not liable for your childhood sexual curiosity actions when you were eight years old. Children are curious and learn by doing as much as by being told about what things are and what to do or not to do. Sibling and family childhood sexual exploration is quite common, especially at an early age.
From what you have described, your cousin is perfectly fine, especially if your relationship is solid and loving. She's at the age now where she may need some guidance about sexual feelings and actions from an older peer... like you.
One thing you can do is just to ask her about what she remembers about spending time with you and then ask her to forgive you if there was any harm done, whatsoever. If no harm was done, she can just say "I forgive you for your curiosity at your age" and be done with it. You are looking back at your childhood with a more mature mind (which is still developing until about age 25!) and judging the actions of a child. You didn't know any better and you did it in such a way as to not cause harm from what I gather here.
If you can't quite shake your guilt and shame, investigate the EFT process available all over the internet, especially in the UK. Search EFT and your hometown name to find practitioners who can help you ease your guilty feelings, probably in one session.
Once you clear those feelings, you can return to the life you need to attend to and feel good about intimate relationships in the future, as well.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Do you think my cousin remembers what happened between the two of us? She was so young and I've done some research about when you start forming memories and a lot of people say you don't remember anything at that age, that you don't really remember much until about 5 years old or older. I myself don't have any memories at the age of 2 or upwards. So do you think its possible that she remembers what happened? Keep in mind that she was only 2 years old and 3 months at the time and we only played the game a couple of times (maybe 3 or 4 times, don't remember exactly but it didn't go on for long)
Rose, your body has memory that is separate from your mind/consciousness. Even though she was only 2 and not very mentally mature a deep trauma would be remembered in her body. When she was exposed to something similar her body would react, even if her mind didn't know why, if it was harmful and painful to her body in the beginning. That doesn't seem to be the case, here.
If she doesn't exhibit signs of a negative reaction to your presence and continues to feel love and appreciation for your relationship, then she probably didn't suffer any significant trauma from your "play time" events. As she becomes more sexually aware and active, she might become aware of something sexual happening to her from the past. Unfortunately, cultural and religious programming keep us from fully enjoying our sexual nature without the shadow of guilt and shame overcoming us. We are sexual beings and should enjoy the experience within the right context.
I'm sure she doesn't consciously remember any of it, as it became one of a flood of new experiences she was learning as a toddler. Kids are just mental and emotional sponges, sucking up the world around them and gradually putting all the information into context that can be used as an adult. Unfortunately, your "mind," which would rather be right than happy, is trying to make this "right" or "wrong" consciously. It was just sexual play and the only harm that seems to have happened was in your mind, not hers. Time to let it go. She seems fine and you should be too.
Find an EFT practitioner to help you or download it from many of the sites and practice it on yourself. It is a self-help technique. See: www.eft.mercola.com as an example.