Molestation/what to do ...what to do that is the question
Please advise...my brother has called asking for confidentiality regarding a situation that recently surfaced. My brother has 2 children from his first partner a son 16 and a daughter 14 soon to be 15 and then he has a 15 year old daughter from his second partner as well he also has a forth child a daughter that is 7 years old from his second partner. he lives 1000 miles away from the mothers of the children so has split custody and has his son during school year and he goes to his mothers for summer and vice versa for the girls. On that note the girls are with him now and his son at his mothers for summer. The first night after the son had left the 15 year old daughter from the second partner came to talk to her and tell her Daddy that her brother was inappropriately touching her and also that the 7 year old daughter had also felt uncomfortable and felt like when she was sleeping he was trying to push her shorts up and touch her butt. WOW.. as a parent as well - I understand the need to address this appropriately but with carefulness as to not create a stigma that will be impossible to break if exposed for the son and the daughter. The furious feeling to protect your baby from any harm, how far should a parent go? We spoke and feel without a doubt counseling is needed but also support for his daughter that her feelings have been heard and addressed and also that seeking help and supporting her brother is important as well. My brother was glad his son was gone when he heard of this as he was furious and his first feeling was to protect his little girl but now his son is gone and will be gone for the summer and he has worries of his son getting into trouble with this issue if not addressed. As of yet noone else knows and I am trying to look into this as to make sure all is done in light and growth not in negativity and scarring. My brother and I were very close but never crossed any sexual lines I love him dearly and want nothing to divide the family my brother does not have a financial cushion for the out of pocket expense of counseling so I am also looking for facilities near him that are possibly on sliding scale or through a church but how careful do we need to be of reporting to law enforcement or social services if seek services, the wholistic health of both children is very important and I mean not to that being secondary in any means but also am aware of this worlds responses? We are not wanting to hide but do not feel it needs to be public or family knowledge at this point simply due to the harshness and stigma that never goes away in many cases- how do we balance this and stay compliant...please help me help him. Thank you Have a wonderful day.
T, Well, certainly this boy's behavior must be addressed as soon as possible. Letting it slide for the summer isn't going to be helpful for anyone. A parent's responsibilities must include making sure that their children have a clear message about boundaries, inappropriate touching and unwanted sexual contact of any kind. To some extent, this is not unexpected behavior from a teen boy who may not have had strong boundaries enforced, early on.
Teen brains are not really fully-formed until they are in their mid-20s, so a lot of impulsive behaviors are seen regularly from boys and girls of that age. What needs to happen right away is that the boy's behaviors are confronted directly, in privacy, to determine what his attitude is about his sexual exploration actions. Defiant and denial behaviors point to a need for professional counseling. If he is apologetic, asks for forgiveness and apologizes to all concerned, then he may change his ways immediately.
Do make sure that the girls are heard and feel that their reports are the absolutely right thing to do. Lingering sexual traumatic memories can be cleared with the EFT process, effectively and quickly. Forgiveness rituals are powerful healing experiences, too.
So what is needed is that all the parents BE parents and take appropriate action to stop this behavior from continuing. Teenage hormones are powerful, mind-altering drugs and all teens will take unnecessary risks from time to time, which defy all mature logic. A calm, but focused and firm conversation needs to take place soon. The outcome of that will determine what needs to happen next.