Molestation/Not sure what to think
Okay, so I've been thinking of something that happened to me when I was quite young (I'm in my 20s now), right around fourish. Possibly before that, but four is the furthest back I can remember more vividly. I'm really not sure what to make of it or how to process it. I have PTSD from a pretty bad childhood in general and I'm seeing a therapist about all of it, but I just don't feel like I can bring this specific thing up to her, it feels too embarrassing... even typing about it right now makes me extremely uncomfortable.
But I'm remembering my mother, used to force me to sit on her lap (as in yank me over and hold me in place) either after my bath or she'd just lift up my shirt and would squeeze my nipples really hard, sometimes with her finger nails... not a single pinch, but for several minutes at a time. I'd squirm to try and get loose and beg her to stop it because it hurt but she'd say she "had to" and yell at me to sit still. I don't remember if she ever explained why she felt she had to. I do remember that that's about when I began insisting on dressing myself and not wanting her to help me with my baths anymore and also when I stopped wanting her to even hug me. I don't remember exactly when she stopped doing that to me, I only remember it occurring while we lived in a certain house, where we were from ages 3 - 4... frankly, I don't recall it happening once I was given my first dog, who was pretty protective over me, but it wasn't something I recall happening beyond the age of four. But it was something I dreaded, it made me uncomfortable beyond just being painful, though my memory of exact details get foggier the older I get.
I guess what troubles me is is that I don't really understand how to file this away in my brain and in comparison to a lot of things, it's probably pretty minor. It's not something I've ever suppressed, but it is something that does bother me whenever it pops up in my memory at random intervals. I don't know if things above the belt are considered inappropriate touch/molestation and I don't know that it was sexual as much as it was just a bizarre way to inflict pain or something, it's hard to say since she was a drug addict. But I'm not sure. My mother and I have always had a combative, dysfunctional relationship and this weirdness-- which I've never acknowledged to her that I even remember-- certainly doesn't help.
I feel dumb and weird typing about this because I've never so much as even put it in my journal, but it's really bothering me again suddenly so any insight would be helpful. Thanks.
Lizzie, Well, not a lot of people have clear memories of being four, unless it is tied to some kind of significant event like yours, but it obviously left a substantial traumatic memory in your mind and body.
If she was on drugs back then, she may have been relating her sexual experiences of having her nipples pinched/bitten by someone else to somehow transferring that experience to you. If she wasn't in her right mind then, you probably couldn't even coax the memory out of her now in order to make sense of it. Children are supposed to be loved and cherished by their parents, but obviously this isn't the case for every child. When children are traumatized in any way, repeatedly, it causes them extreme distress and distrust of adults and others.
In a raw sense, it is just a case of child abuse, which can certainly cause PTSD symptoms, especially when the experience was repeated more than once. Sorry you had such a ragged childhood, but don't let the past get in the way of the future. Choose to be happy right now...just choose it and keep choosing it every day. As far as the PTSD/abuse memories, ask your therapist to use the EFT (tapping) method on your traumatic memories to help them neutralize and dissolve into the past. EFT is magical in its ability to release old memories that are causing you to trigger in your current life situations. Search EFT and your city to find practitioners in your area, if your therapist isn't up to speed on the use of EFT as an effective modality of healing. It can be self-applied once you get the hang of it. It is really easy to learn and highly effective on traumatic memories.
If these memories are bothering you, it is your mind-body asking for relief and resolution of the past. Follow its lead and take care of it right away. If you are on medications, you should be able to wean off of them eventually, if you clear out old traumas using EFT. See examples at www.eft.mercola.com and www.eftuniverse.com among the many hundreds of sites out there now.
I hope this is helpful for you,