I am now 17 and thinking a lot about being molested, I have read a lot about it and wish to tell my story here as I am not sure why I feel how I do. When I was young around 7 or 8 I spent a lot of time with Grandpa and loved him dearly. The first thing I can remember sexually was sitting astride his thigh and having a nice warm feeling in my crotch. When I was 12 I had a terrible crash in my brothers car and broke both arms and one leg, I was in hospital for ages all plastered up and hung on wires. I had some internal injuries and bruising and found sleeping difficult. Granpa would often spend the night and read to me, sometimes I would drift off and find him asleep against my bed. Sometimes I had bad pains on my ribs and stomach and he would put his hand under the blanket and gently rub. One night he was doing this and suddenly I felt the warm feeling return to my crotch that I felt when I used to sit astride his thigh. As I lay there I had my eyes shut tight and wishing somehow I would get a release from the sensation building in my thighs and stomach. Granpas soft fingers were circling at the very top of my panties and I opened my free thigh to expose my crotch. My vagina was almost exploding and then I felt his fingers on my panties dancing over the crotch. I gasped and a million little sparks went up my thighs, I couldn't stop myself from tilting my crotch towards his fingers and spreading my thigh wider, his thick middle finger concentrated on the centre of my crotch, gently massaging the cotton over my clit, I felt so incredibly wet and the cotton on my clit was too much and soon I exploded in orgasm and jerked against him. I lay there breathing heavily, moments later he hugged me and asked for forgivness as he said he had done a bad thing. I knew then he could be in real trouble but I just needed him to do it so I kissed him and said I loved him for what he had done. He didn't visit for a few nights but when he came back we talked and I said I loved him very much. When I left hospital I would stay at his house, I would lie on my front on his bed and he would tickle my bare thighs up to the back of my knickers, my hands would be under me and I would quietly hump myself to an orgasm. This stopped when I was 14, we still hug and kiss and sometimes I masturbate on my tummy humping my hands thinking of him. I am not mad or ashamed of him, he helped me when I needed release.
Julie, we are all sexual beings and our awareness of our sexual feelings starts very early in life.
among many other sites.
While your grandpa could have been in trouble for technical child molestation, he also helped introduce you to sexual orgasms and your developing sexuality as a young teen. We all learn aspects of our sexuality one way or the other and in a sense, it is more loving and perhaps safer to have it introduced from a family member rather than out on the streets with peers and strangers. Intent has a great deal to do with the legal and emotional aspects of sexual behaviors. When someone is introducing sexuality to another specifically for their own fulfillment (and at the expense of their victim), then it becomes sexual assault/molestation.
Had he not massaged your body down where he was, you may not have had the whole experience of sexual stimulation and release. It is hard to separate the sexual excitement and stimulation from the "love" for another person, when you are in the middle of it. You transfer the sexual enjoyment to the one who is providing the stimulation and think/feel that it is "love." True love encompasses much more than the sexual aspect, but when you are young, it is hard to go beyond that and this is where a lot of young people wind up in trouble.
He caught himself after the first episode and knew that it could be a big problem if the information became known. It is hard for men to contain themselves, sometimes, when sexual opportunities present themselves, especially with someone who is a willing participant. Sexual energy, as you know, can have a powerful effect on the mind and body, especially when it overrules a wiser choice in life. I hope that you are well informed about birth control and STDs and the dangers of having unprotected sex with boys/men as you mature. When you are in control of your sexuality, it can be a powerful experience, but it is not to be taken lightly because of the inherent dangers involved when you are not making the choice consciously. Don't allow sexual experiences to overrule your sense of right/wrong, which can endanger your future.
Learning Tantra sexual practices in the future will help you balance your life experience of both sexual ecstasy and building a true heart connection with a partner. You are still pretty young to have to consider having a lifetime partner, so just take your time and live your life with joy and enthusiasm tempered with wisdom, which comes with age.