I just need someone to talk to..
I'm almost 25 years old, female.
Lately .. as in the past couple years .. I have been questioning things.
I don't remember ever being molested or raped as a child.
....But I do have strange sexual memories that have always been in my mind.
I masturbated for the first time when I was 7 years old, and I knew exactly what it was.
I knew exactly were babies came from .. I never had "the talk" when I was growing up. I just always knew.
......I also had a strange obsession with rape.
I used to draw pictures of rape and sex. I would shred them up after done with them.
When I first got the internet at about 12 years old... I was immediately drawn to cyber sex. I lied about my age in chatrooms ... and became very popular under some specific names in some specific chatrooms.
Anyway ...... now that I'm 25 years old and have kind of settled down with a man, some of these memories have been creeping back up. Sometimes I dwell on them..such as now.
...is there a possibility that I was raped or molested as a child? and I just don't remember??? How did I learn what these things were? is something the matter with me?
First of all, we are all sexual beings with inherent sexual awareness and feelings, right from early childhood.
Children's minds are like sponges, absorbing all the information available to them, as they learn and mature. Seeing images, videos or even being told stories about sexual activities all go into the mental hopper to be digested and integrated into "learning about life" memories. As time goes on, your mental awareness sharpens and the information is resorted to make more sense to a more mature mindset.
You could have been molested at a very young age, however when children have those experiences they usually undergo a lot of emotional and mental upheaval which causes behavioral changes that are noticeable by parents. Generally, molested children cope with their traumas by becoming involved with drugs, alcohol or acting out in various ways, including cutting themselves. They become depressed and inconsolable, rejecting others and shutting down emotionally and mentally, in severe cases.
I don't think that anything is "the matter" with you, at all. We all learn about being sexual in one way or the other. You might have had "help" with your education or just figured it all out on your own, through observations and the information available to you through media and the internet.
You seem to be an intelligent young woman, so use your abilities to learn new things about being sexual that are not quite so dark and abusive. Check out any Tantra workshops in your area and if you have recurring, obsessive feelings that are bothering you, look into learning the EFT healing process, available all over the web at sites like www.eftuniverse.com and www.eft.mercola.com
At 25 years of age, your brain is just about finalized its growth of neural pathways, which should help you stabilize your mental and emotional states, somewhat.
has some interesting information for the women, as well.
Reinforced here: http://samaritan-vail.org/index.php/vail-counseling/resources/the-teenage-brain/
You CAN retrain your brain and release a lot of toxic thoughts, memories and behaviors, if you so choose. EFT is highly effective in neutralizing traumatic memories of the past.
I hope this is helpful for you,