Molestation/regret

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QUESTION: SkylaI was in 6th grade and I attened a summmer camp. I meet this girl one day who I didn't really talk to before, but since my friends weren't there I hung out with her that day. For some reason all she did was talk about sex stories. And we got on the subjects of male body parts and I told her I hadn't seen a male's genitals before. And she was shocked that I hadn't. So she said we was going to show me one. Me being naive and I just followed her. And we went into this little play dollhouse and she got her little brother and she was trying to pants him but he was saying no. All I did was sit in the corner because it was small and cramped. And she got upset with him and kicked him out. A few moments later this little boy walked passed and she got his attention and then that's when she pants him and I just still sitting down didn't do anything. Within the same time frame maybe 10-20 mins, I remember going back in there following her and she does it again but this time she is touching the little boy. And that's when I started to get a feeling that this was wrong. The second time I feeling she was going to do it again because it. But my memory is not vivid on how...I can't remember if she asked me if I wanted to again or not.  That whole day she talked about sex. And she made it seem like something I should have already known about or that pulling down a child's pants is okay..But I regret following her and believing what she was saying. I never once touched him or told her too. It was something I knew nothing about. But I am ashamed I let my ignorance and  curiosity blind my judgement. But I honestly didn't know what she was doing was wrong until she touched him and said "oh you like doing this ..you're a little freak" to the little boy because he was smiling and getting excited. The next day I told a few of my friends what she did and then told me that she was nasty and that's when i really knew it was wrong to do that. After that day I stopped hanging out with her and when I saw it we only talked for a few seconds and that's it. . I have never in my life touched a child inappropriately or thought about doing that. It's been 8 years but sometimes I find myself feeling really guilty. Because I didn't say no to her. I guess I need advice on acceptance and moving forward.

ANSWER: Skyla, we all get introduced to sexual issues in some way during our lives. Sometimes it is through well thought-out educational presentations and sometimes it is "street" education from peers or close relatives at an early age.

Children are curious by nature and are sexually aware, at some level, even at the earliest years. Because you didn't have an informed sexual reference point at your age, your lack of knowledge and curiosity led you to become engrossed in what your friend was doing/saying about a male's genitals. Sexual exploration among siblings, relatives and friends of the same age is very common. You have to learn this stuff from somebody, but the paths to knowledge are many. Your summer camp friend seemed to be very informed on the subject of sex and that could have been because it was taught to her by family or she may have been molested and was sharing what she learned personally. A full day of sex talk isn't normal for children of that age, so she had obviously had a lot of first-hand experience from some sources.

There is no reason to feel guilty about not knowing these things at your age, back then. Your mind is very immature at that age and your brain continues to grow and make new associations until you are about 25 years old. Think of all the things you have learned since then and not just about sex! We are lifetime learners and our minds are constantly searching for answers to the questions and circumstances surrounding us every day. It is just part of life... Sometimes knowledge is presented to us in a nice neat package that we choose and sometimes it comes to us in unexpected ways that we need to learn to process and assimilate into our lives.

If you have a tough time dealing with guilt, shame and other feelings surrounding this incident, then try learning something new:  EFT (emotional freedom technique).
This easy "tapping" therapy can be learned by anyone and done at any time to help neutralize traumatic memories and experiences in daily living.

Check out www.eft.mercola.com   and www.eftuniverse.com for information on this very effective healing technique.

Best wishes for a happy and guilt-free life,

William Silver

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Another question. It is just sometimes since I've grown up and look back I feel like what i did was molesting. Even though I never touched the little boy but i feel like I used him in a way without knowing it.after the first time when I followed her a few minutes later I knew she was going to pull his pants down again because she saw how curious I was after the first time.... I just didn't know she was going to start touching him. After the first time I thought what she did was okay like her way of
"Showing" me or "teaching" me. But it was not. And I didn't realize that until I followed her the second time and started to believe her. My question is what happened I feel like I am an accomplice to a crime. I havent thought this iccident in a long time but I guess I'm judging my 6th grade mind.

Answer
Sklya,

Yes, you are still judging your immature 6th grade mind now. We all have regrets or wish we could change the past in how we acted or responded in a given situation, but you live in the now, not the past, so it isn't relevant other than a signpost to remind you not to repeat the past again.

If you want to label your "actions" back then, perhaps it could be termed molestation, but all parties were somewhat willing participants to some degree. Young children don't have any real framework of reference in what is happening to them, in these circumstances. It is a new adventure and experience, when it happens the first time. If the parents haven't coached them effectively about inappropriate touching, so they don't "know" that what is happening is "bad" in that moment. They are just aware of some new feelings and interactions that they haven't had before, so are curious to see what happens. Children's minds are sponges that absorb everything that they see, touch and hear as they build their own personal database of what is good, bad or neutral in their lives.

Your young friend was being sexually aggressive and taking advantage of her knowledge and age to kind of bully the boys involved, but it was more of a power play than for some kind of sexual gratification. The past is passed now. It was a moment in time which became a lesson for you, so that you don't repeat it in the future .. and that's how we learn.

If you are still feeling "guilt" about what happened years ago, then learn EFT and apply it upon your guilty feelings. Forgive yourself and realize that your mind was very immature at that age and you are not truly guilty of molestation.

William Silver

Molestation

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William Silver

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I can address all questions about physical, sexual, emotional trauma and how to eliminate the effects from your life. I specialize in assisting clients with a 1 to 3-hour session that can discharge all of the negative feelings around any type of emotionally based problem. I can direct you to some websites where you can download information to assist you and your loved ones with emotional problems. I can also assist directly on the phone or via email, in addition to personal sessions, here in San Diego, California. I am not a licensed therapist, lawyer or law enforcement officer.

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I have been a holistic health therapist for a total of over 15 years, specializing in anxiety-phobia, trauma release work.

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TFT/EFT training, Cranio-Sacral Therapy, SHEN, Reiki, Hypnotherapy.

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