I have a feeling in my gut that I was molested in one way or another sometime in my childhood. I am not sure of this but I have been concerned about certain behaviors that I show. When I was first was caught in the fourth grade that I had watched porn, my parents kept questioning me if something had happened. The interest had come out of the blue in my memory and I remember being terrified about saying so. Instead I lied and told them I was influenced by my friends. That first time watching was scary because I remember being terrified by seeing the man's penis. I promptly turned it off and preferred to watch lesbians because I felt less threatened. I am not a lesbian though.
I have a few recurring dreams of a man who I can never see the face of. In one, he is pressing down on my stomach, causing me to feel things. I was extremely distressed and crying in the dream while he was mockingly laughing. I had other dreams of who I felt to be the same man, one of them where I could in detail see only his penis where he was forcing me to give him a blowjob. Lately, this thought that I could have been molested regained strength when my mother had an argument with me over my extreme fear of men. I am terrified of being near them in public places, even in malls. I'm scared that they're looking at me even if they're not. My mind makes up irrational scenarios of them touching me or abducting me no matter how impossible it would be considering how public of a place I am in. I unconsciously move faster and away from them if I can. If they pay me any attention in public, my palms sweat like mad and I get the shakes for a little while.
I also have my unusual sexual fantasies. I can only get off on porn that involve some sort of abuse where the female is viewed as an object or less that what she is. Rape, bondage, and other things similar to that are the only things that work for me while I am at the same time am terrified of those same things. Whenever I hear stories about abusive sex, or something like that, my stomach reacts and I squirm in discomfort. It feels like its twisting and turning and is so strong.
In real life, I am empowered and am an achiever in my school. I have big dreams and I am willing to put a lot in to achieve them. I do have some issues with my friendships. I get scared of the feeling that they might lose interest in me so I tend to want to cut ties first before they can. I also have the intense fear of disappointing people and having their view of me change. I don't like getting attached to other people and feel uncomfortable when they start to feel close to me. If there are guys that show interest in me, even if I do like them back, I immediately feel violated and want to push them as far away as I can. Even if I do imagine myself with whichever guy I like, I canít seem to imagine myself having sex with him. As far as my imagination goes is dating/handholding.
What could all of this mean? Is it possible that all of my symptoms could just be guilt from my watching of porn? Could all of this just be because of my hormones? I have talked to my mother about this just recently and while she doesnít rule out repressed memories, she suggested other things it could be. If something did happen, I have a few inklings on who it could be, but even thinking about the possibility scares me so much and I canít think too much about it. Should I? Am I just overthinking the whole thing? If it really is nothing, do you have any tips on how I could get over my fear of men?
Brooke, Just the initial exposure to the porn movies, at such a young age, might be sufficient to cause a form of mental/emotional trauma which then leads to PTSD/fear/avoidance behaviors and reactions. Your traumatic memories of the man's penis in the movies might be transferred to all men. It is not to say that you might not have been molested at an earlier age by a male figure.
You seem to be holding a lot of guilt over your feelings and it spills over into your relationships with both men and women. This could have sexual overtones which include a fear of failure to fully please a man, based upon what you might have seen in the past. Generally, when a woman is repelled by a man or any men, there is some kind of latent underlying past trauma that is being triggered by these current real-time experiences and exposures to men.
What we have found in over 30 years of work is that the current "energy medicine" healing techniques called "tapping" or EFT (emotional freedom technique) are highly effective at neutralizing traumatic memories and experiences going all the way back to early childhood. There are many EFT-based sites on the web:
You can download various files that show the simple basic method which can be self-applied or used with an experienced EFT practitioner. Practitioners are available pretty much world-wide, so do a local search of your town/city and the search term EFT to find someone who can assist you directly. This isn't like normal talk therapy that takes years to work things out. A few sessions with a skilled practitioner should take most of the fear and reactive patterns out of your mind-body and spirit.