I am a 25 year old married woman living in India. Around 6 months back while I was returning home from work I was kidnapped by three men and taken to an isolated area. There I was stripped at knife-point and raped. I was really scared that they would hurt me and thus I did not struggle when they had their way with me. But once they were sure that I would not escape they were actually gentle with me. But what shames me the most was that I orgasmed during the rape. I still struggle with understanding this. I have never had an orgasm during sex with my husband and to have experienced this with some strangers who raped me is something that feels me with a lot of shame. It feels as if I have in some ways betrayed my husband. I haven't told my husband that I was raped. In our culture a woman is deemed impure if she has been with any other man besides her husband.
But I can't stop thinking about the rape. I have started having these fantasies where I imagine someone taking me against my will. I have started masturbating to this fantasy and every single time I experience much greater sexual satisfaction than when I am with my husband. Afterwards I again feel guilty and ashamed and wish that someone would beat me for what I am doing. But then after a few days these fantasies come back again and the cycle repeats itself. This has started affecting my relationship with my husband. I find myself making every excuse to avoid intimacy and feel very unsatisfied when we actually have sex.
Recently I have started taking the same route back home where I was abducted, perhaps hoping for a similar experience. I always promise myself that I am going to forget what happened and move on but I just can't stop it. Lately the fantasies and the desire for a repeat of what I went through has just become more stronger. Please advice me on what I should do.
Anish, you have multiple issues going on there. First is the trauma of sexual assault, which can lead to PTSD and other behavioral issues. Then, you have just discovered a true orgasm which your husband had not been trained or learned to help you achieve together.
Once you have achieved a true orgasm, there is no going back to the way things were. You now know what is possible to experience within your body and it is up to you to convey what you need to your husband, if you are to have satisfactory relations in the future.
Having the assistance of an EFT practitioner or learning the process for yourself will alleviate a lot of your guilt, shame and sadness at what happened and what you have been doing for yourself lately. Go to any of the EFT sites like
www.emofree.com to get the guidelines about how to help yourself effectively and permanently, with or without a trained practitioner. You can try searching EFT + your city/state/region to see who may be there to help you directly.
You DO have to take care of this right away; both the rape experience and the guilt/shame of pleasuring yourself in order to achieve orgasm. With some classes in tantra, you and your husband can become more conscious of the connection of mind-body and how you can learn to please each other in the most loving manner.