Molestation/Sister and Sister Play
I am a 50 year old wife, mother, grandmother and teacher. Lately, I have been having a lot of worry and anxiety-to the point of considering suicide)over something that happened when I was 11-12 and my sister was 9. On a couple of occasions we played a game where we showed each other our genitals. There was no touching. I did not force my sister to do it, but being the older of the two I feel responsible. I remember it being the beginning of puberty for me and a lot of hormones raging. My sister and I have never mentioned it. We are generally close today. I have never again engaged in this behavior. I raised a daughter and two sons with no issues. But my recent anxiety is triggered by the recent news that I am having my first granddaughter in a few months. Am I dangerous?? Please help me.
Cindy, this question/situation seems to have been coming up a lot recently, with adults who are reflecting back at their sexual past as children.
Children, by nature, are curious and certainly more aware of their bodies and genitalia at an earlier age than most parents would imagine. Sexual play among a peer group of young children, especially relatives is almost inevitable, back then and more so today. Isn't it funny that we can hold onto past guilty feelings, so tightly, while letting a lot of the many pleasant memories fade off into the sunset?
Our mind-body functions to recall just about all new experiences that we encounter in life and sexuality is right in there with all the other memories. The situation that you are trying to wrap your head around is caused by your current "mature" mind judging the actions of your "immature mind" at twelve years old. The pre-frontal cortex of the brain, which has a lot to do with judgment and causes/effects of behaviors doesn't really mature until you are about twenty-five years old. Young teens and children are naturally impulsive and don't think about the consequences of their actions in many cases. Your puberty-driven sexual feelings are a natural part of your development at that age. Sexual curiosity becomes a high priority during those years. Unfortunately, most parents do a poor job of sex education for their children, so they have to learn it on their own, one way or the other. We all go through those phases in our development and everyone has made "errors in judgment" along the path of sexual awareness.
I am not a doctor, but through years of helping people with anxiety, phobias, traumatic memories and other emotional issues, I can see that your childhood experience is a direct link to your current anxious feelings and not diluted by other experiences like that. However, as I have mentioned, you are judging your childhood behavior with the mind of an adult who has learned that inappropriate touching is a "bad thing" and you should be "ashamed" of it. You can't go back in time and change the past, but you can change how you are feeling about your "guilty behaviors" by using modern energy medicine techniques.
I suggest investigating the effective healing process called EFT (emotional freedom technique) offered at many websites and through local practitioners world-wide I think some time learning EFT and working with an EFT practitioner can help clarify your thoughts and feelings and neutralize any truly traumatic memories that are causing you emotional pain currently.
Try www.eft.mercola.com www.emofree.com and www.eftuniverse.com for information about this drug-free and highly effective healing modality.
So, the long answer to your actual short question: Am I dangerous? is a resounding "NO!" As you mentioned, these actions have never been repeated. You have judged your behavior, learned from your mistake and have moved on successfully in your life. This is just an emotional "hairball" that needs to be coughed up and disposed of now. If your sister had suffered any kind of emotional distress, you would have known it by now. I am giving you the "all clear" signal now. A little EFT will take this out of your thoughts, so you can enjoy your new granddaughter with a happy heart and mind.
Best wishes and enjoy your life,