QUESTION: My parents divorced when I was just 13 years old and mom quickly became a pass out cold drunk and I hated everything about her when she was drunk. The first time I noticed that mom had a really bad drinking problem was late one night I found mom passed out cold half undressed in the living room sleeping on the couch. I had never seen a naked girl before and after the shock of seeing mom's boobs I went back to bed. I couldn't get the image of her body out of my mind all night. The second time this happened I found mom passed out cold completely nude in the bathtub full of water and the curtain wide open. After looking at her body for a long time I thought I should wake mom up because I was afraid she might drown if she slipped under the water. I closed the curtain and called out very loud mom wake up over and over again. I even reach my hand to her shoulder and shook her but mom didn't move a muscle. Seeing mom nude was exciting to me because this is the first time in my short life seeing a grown up girls body. Once I realized that nothing would wake her up I went and got a camera to take some pictures of her body to be able to look at whenever I wanted to. The next time I found mom passed out cold I tried to feel her up by touching her boobs and sucking on her nipples and fingering her. Months later I found mom passed out cold and naked in her bedroom sleeping on her side on her bed and I could clearly see mom's butt and vagina from where I was standing and I thought if I could get into the spooningspooning position with her I might be able to slip inside of her from behind. After I stopped shaking from fear and excitement I got into position and easily slipped inside of her and within seconds I was cummings inside of my mom's vagina. I had never felt anything so warm and just perfect in my short life and I think that's why I was cumming before I knew what was happening to me. I was now 14 and a half and I was able to have sex with my mom for the first time. Mom never once woke up or moved a muscle and I was able to do it Everytime she was drunk and passed out cold. I did this for almost six years before mom quit drinking. She never once said anything about all of the cum I left inside of her and on her. After she had her last child mom had her tubes tied but back then at that age getting her pregnant never even crossed my mind. Why did I do this with mom without ever thinking or feeling like I was doing something wrong. Looking back I know it was wrong but as I was doing it I never felt bad about it and really didn't want to stop. I said that I hated everything about mom when she was drunk and now I couldn't wait for mom to get drunk and pass out cold.
ANSWER: Having "lost" your father due to divorce and then your mother to alcohol addiction, as a young teen you were just trying to reconcile your emerging sexual feelings with the fact that you didn't have anyone there for you to set guidelines and rules for living a normal life.
At your age, your pre-frontal cortex is underdeveloped so this creates opportunities for uninhibited behaviors without thinking about the consequences, which is typical teenage behavior patterns. With your own sexual awareness and curiosity and the opportunity to explore without being caught, your impulse control was set aside and you just went for the experience, which can be overwhelming for a teen boy.
Now you are coming to terms within yourself about the actions that you took as an immature teen. Certainly your behavior was radical and out of bounds, but looking at the big picture of your life at that time, I can understand why you chose that path, at that time of your life.
I hope your relationship with your mother has improved and that you can forgive yourself for your rude and self-centered actions with her.
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QUESTION: Thank you for your answer and giving me some understanding of my behavior. This all happened back in the 70s and I'm wondering if I should be totally honest and tell my mom what I did with her back then. I don't know if she would believe it or not but I still have all of the pictures from when this happened. Should I confess to mom?
That is a hard question that you will probably have to search your soul for the answer....
It depends upon what kind of relationship you have with her now and if she has regrets about her behaviors back then which put her in such a vulnerable state, which allowed you to take advantage of the situation.
I imagine that your mom regrets all of her alcoholism and blackouts and would rather forget the whole thing, if she can remember it at all. That still leaves you with the memories and guilt about taking advantage of her in that state.
I can't see any real advantage to telling her at this point in time, especially if her health is frail and she can't take any big upsets like this one would deliver. If she is strong, loving and open to perhaps understanding how she would come to with evidence of sexual interplay on her and in her being, she might want to know more about what all was happening to her at that time.
Ironically, while the mind can forget a lot of the past, there is some memory in the very cells of our beings which can store memories and traumatic events. Even though she was not conscious at the time, there is a part of her that does remember what happened to her body.
If you find yourself in a deep discussion with her about the past and it feels right to reveal even a hint of the truth, then move forward. If you think that it would just be too much for her to bear, then leave it alone.
As I mentioned, forgiveness for what you have done and forgiveness for what she did to you through neglect and "checking out" are powerful healing tools.