Molestation/What was I doing
QUESTION: I was 12 years in just leaving the 6th grade and attending a daycare where I spent most of my summers. I met this girl who was maybe a year or two younger than me. I honestly can't remember her age. However, she was someone new I met and we hung out and she filled me in all about sex and what she was saying what a ear load because I never had that sit down before. Anyway, I told her(I don't know why) that I never seen a penis before. Now that I'm 22 I realized when I was much much younger like 6? With a cousin and we did the whole "I'll show you mine if you show me yours deal" he was two years younger and this was mutual. Anyway, I totally forgot about that when I told her that I never seen a penis before. Anyway, She told me she was going to teach me and show me and she grabbed her brother and we hid from everyone else and he refused to do it and she tells him" you do it all the time at home" and she gets mad at him because he continues to refuse and he was maybe 4? Anyway, we are still in this little play house when this little boy walks past and I remembered him because my friend use to play with him a lot. I remember just saying "oh that's (his name" and she calls to him and she pulls his pants down. I just awkwardly sat there and I was just sitting there let my curiosity and stupidity take the best of me. We went back again to the playhouse with the little boy and she did it again but this time she touches him. Both times the little boy who was like 2 or 3 was excited. But the second time she says "oh you like that don't you. You're a little freak" when she says that I really felt horrible because that's when I realized it was wrong, I never told a teacher but I did tell my friends the next day because this was the first time I really hung out with her for the whole day. They just said that she was nasty and that was the end of it. After that I don't really think I hung out with her again and when I did I wasn't for long. I never was involved in anything like that again. Looking back I feel extremely guilty and responsible because I never was stopped her. I just kept going along with that she was telling me and I thought it was okay to learn that way. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself because when i look back I feel like I should have know better. I never touched him but I still feel responsible because I was. My friends weren't there that day and I felt really lonely and wanted to hang out with someone and I guess I learned the hard why it is better to be alone than hang out with someone who is bad do you. I have never done anything thing like watch child porn or have an interest in children but I just feel horrible. I always pray to God for forgiveness but I guess the hardest part is forgiving myself. I really feel like everything went down hill in my life when I did that because that year I lost my dad and just I felt like I was being punished and still am with the bad stuff that happens. Anything can happen and j feel like I am being punished for what I did. Am I am a child molester ? Did I molest him ?
ANSWER: Dear Moe, Life happens and people weave in and out of our lives, sometimes for a purpose and sometimes just as a lesson.
Your experiences at 6-ish were part of "normal" childhood sexual exploration and play that just about all children participate in, one way or the other. I think the bigger question is how your 6 year old friend knew all about sex at her age in such a graphic way, don't you?
Your mind was very immature back then and whether you want to recognize it or not, there were unanswered questions that you were willing to explore with her as she was leading the moment. As an adult, it is easy to be judgmental about your immature behavior at 6, filling yourself with guilt and doubt, but you were not "at fault" in this moment. Young children can be bossy and do unconscious actions all the time. You were just caught in the moment with this girl and while your curiosity was fulfilled, the manner of the lesson was not very well chosen by your friend.
It's kind of like watching a car wreck... you didn't ask to see it, but it catches your attention and you wish you could make it all be different, but you can't. It isn't fair to you to feel like you were in charge of the situation back then and there is no forgiveness needed, really. You are not being punished for your "lack of action" or being a witness to a moment of childhood sexual play by an aggressive young girl, who probably was molested in some way or exposed to adult behaviors or images.
I'm sorry for your loss concerning your dad, but your childhood experiences had nothing to do with it. We live, we love, we lose, we win, we survive and we can thrive when our minds are clear and our hearts are at peace. You are not a molester and you have nothing to be ashamed of in your life, concerning this experience.
We've all done things to be forgiven, consciously or unconsciously, and certainly the process of self-forgiveness can be a powerful healing experience, but more so when there is an actual active action that needs to be forgiven. If you can't release this guilt on your own, I suggest you find a local EFT (emotional freedom technique) practitioner who can assist you in both learning the process (which can be used effectively for the rest of your life) and easing you out of this unnecessary self doubt, guilt and shame that does not serve you in any way. Search your city area in conjunction with EFT practitioners to find someone nearby who can assist. It is quick, easy and the results are permanent.
For a preview look at www.eft.mercola.com for details.
Walking around under this dark cloud does affect your decision-making and self-confidence in ways that can affect your life and what kinds of experiences you attract, so let's get rid of it and get on with the business of life which you are meant to live with joy and enthusiasm. These feeling cloud your relationships with others and especially with men, so time to let it all go and feel fully alive again.
Best wishes for your complete healing of this issue,
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: She was not 6 years old. She was maybe 9 or 10. I was 12 years old when this happened. I never touched him but I cannot remember vividly the first time we went into the doll house she told me to pull his pants down and I recall just touching his shorts on the sides and I told her I couldn't do it. However I don't know if this is a memory recently I haven't been obsessing over this. However, I do know that she did touch his genitals the second time and I didn't do anything. I just watched but I never touched him I that way or took off his pants but I can't remember if I attempted because I was too nervous.
I just feel like I have to label myself as a child molestor because it. Since that day I never did anything like that again. I just remembered what happened a few days ago and I feel so stressed because of what I did.
Moe, thanks for clearing up a few points, however you didn't do anything to "molest" him, but you were a witness. Clearly it was a lesson for you NOT to go touching children's private parts and the lesson has stayed with you ever since. I would say the lesson was learned very well, so there is nothing really left to discuss. Apparently your left brain mind, which would rather be right than happy, has become consumed with this unreasonably heavy guilt from something that happened over a decade ago.
More than likely you are the only one who is spending any time and energy thinking about it. Live in the NOW, be grateful that you had an experience that locked you into NOT molesting children ever since. If you took time to feel guilty about EVERY SINGLE THING that you did "wrong" or did to hurt someone else, accidentally or on purpose, you would never be able to get out of bed and leave the house. We have had millions of thoughts and events that happen to us through our lifetime and more are coming every day. If you choose to beat yourself up over something that you had no control over and happened when your mind was far from being mature enough to take a different course of action, then you are destined for a long and unhappy life. STOP IT! You are NOT GUILTY. It is OVER! You learned your lesson... end of the discussion. Forgive yourself, send an apology to that boy through the universal energies and turn the page.. NOW!
You have suffered enough already, so you have paid your penance and now it is time to resume the rest of your life. God's plan for you doesn't include dragging yourself through the mud for the rest of your years on planet Earth.
As I said, if you can't overcome these negative thoughts on your own, then find an EFT practitioner who can probably pull you out of all of this in about an hour or less.