New Age/Says he doesn't want a relationship, but acts like we're together.
I met a guy at work and we got together suddenly; it was the closest thing I have experienced to love at first sight. From day one, we spent nearly all of our days and nights together outside of work, went on dates, met each other's friends and roommates, and told our parents about each other. He got an awesome opportunity and went away for six weeks after we had only been seeing each other for six weeks. He told me that he really likes me, but does not want a relationship because he wants to focus on work. We have been talking long distance while he is away. It has only been three weeks and I realize that I do want a relationship. He says he likes talking to me and he wants to see me when he returns. But I don't understand why he has been acting like we are together when that's not what he wants? Do I keep calling him? I told him I would stop and he didn't like that at all. I don't know how to act when he comes back. I do know that I can't change his mind about commitment... but I'm falling in love and I don't know how to reconcile his actions and words. I'm not looking for marriage, but I crave security. He is 26 and I'm 24 years old.
I'm a lot older than you are. I've been up and down the relationship road a few times. I'd like to share with you what I learned.
Your subject says: Says he doesn't want a relationship, but acts like we're together. What I think he means is: I don't want a relationship. I act like we're together so I can get sex from you.
Telling yourself the truth is very, very challenging, Veronica and it takes a lot of courage. So let me explain some truths to you and perhaps that will help you spot this kind of thing as it's coming your way and keep yourself from feeling hurt.
In life, the males represent knowing, reasoning, fact finding. The females represent deep feeling. In actuality, each of us (both men and women) have knowing and feeling. One is more highly developed than the other, but "the other" needs to be learned.
Once you get this truth, you can easily see how, in being in a relationship, men learn how to better "feel deeply," and women learn how to better know, reason, see the facts. I like to say it this way: "The groom (all men) need to be groomed; the bride (all women) needs to be bridled."
If you, as a woman, ONLY use your inborn ability to feel - aka, allow your feelings to be "unbridled" - and you don't learn how to reason, then all relationships will cause you pain. You surely deserve better than this.
Many men shy away from relationships because, aside from the sex, they intuitively know they will have to look at the challenges to their own feeling element if they stay with one woman. And women huddle defensively inside of their hurt feelings when in the kind of relationship you described to me, when they should be learning how to reason so they can think their way out of this form of abuse (yes, the situation you described is abusive, Veronica) and prevent it from happening again. Staying inside an abusive relationship will breed two things: a painful, frightening sense of vulnerability and more of the same type of relationships. If you don't want these two things (and I do believe Life is waying a flag at you to do something different) YOU HAVE GOT TO CHANGE.
Life provides many opportunities for you to figure out this kind of truth. One of the ways is to do nothing and let life's experiences happen to you repeatedly until the Truth finally dawns on you and your pain makes you strongly desire change. Or you can absorb the truth in my words and set out to become more clear-visioned and do something about it before you experience more pain. Either way, it's up to you.
I would break off this relationship if I were you, Veronica, because, in Truth, it is NOT a relationship. You can stop yourself from falling in love. What is there about you that wants to love an abusive relationship, honey? You can make a long, long list of what a good, true, real relationship means to you and you can hold firmly on that and not allow him or any other man to overstep your boundaries.
I believe this is in your life for those very purposes. The security you crave is not out there in ANY relationship. Where it is, is WITHIN you. You need to discover the beauty, the splendor, and the glory of who you are - your self-sufficiency (which provides your security), your true, unique, talent, all of the wonders of YOU. I did this myself through several serious periods of therapy. I highly recommend it. Reading self-help books is a fabulous way to unfold more of who you are. I loved Dr. Phil's "Life Strategies" book myself. If you read that book and do the exercises, I know you'll learn lots.
Listen, sweet heart, you are at the leading edge of your life. There is so much to learn about yourself. Some of the things that you already think you know about, may not be accurate. Some of the things you need to learn are laying there fallow, holding their breath, praying and hoping that you'll soon discover them and begin to use them.
Okay, I'm stepping off the pulpit. I want to tell you that I'm having a problem receiving these emails from All Experts, so I'm sorry you've had to wait so long.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas.