New Age/low self-esteem
Dear Pat Matson,
My name is M. and I need your help.
My last experiences with men haven't been so good, in fact, one of the latest has caused me a lot of grief. Nevertheless, I'm open-minded and I try to be receptive to every bad happening that comes along. I'm old-fashioned and I'm looking for someone who I can really be with, a mature, good-hearted and educated man.
Although I'm 22, I'm attracted to older men, and by older I mean men in their 30's, even 40's recently .
Five months ago, I met a single, divorced American man(who has 2 kids), who had come to Europe due to his work. His kind nature and the way he talked about his kids(the opposite of my father) made it very easy for me to fall in love with him. He told me he wanted a relationship with me, although I told him that I'm open to any possibility. I just wanted to look detached, so I played the "cool attitude".
He had got out of a loveless marriage, his ex-wife never loved him, they still remained together for the kids, at least that's what he told me.
So, after we slept together, he also told me that he was afraid to get hurt again, so he preferred us to remain friends. It's obvious what I didn't mean much to him, but I couldn't believe it. The main reason he induced was me for being too young and the fact that he will always be afraid that I'll leave him. I think that his fear was real, but it had nothing to do with me. I mean, if he had really wanted me, he would have gives us a chance.
He used to fall asleep in my arms, talking to me, asking me if I was okay, every single 5 minutes. I still believe that what he told me about his marriage was true, otherwise I can't explain his behavious. Maybe he just needed "love" and the fact that I was there ..just fit his desires.
It's weird 'cause before I got to meet him, I had ended up a 6 months relationship with a guy I couldn't get to love.
I guess that some men know what "to say" in order to touch a woman's heart.
I'm still not over him, and I know that my pride is part of this, the fact that I felt rejected by a man for the first time. And this coming from someone who was double my age. I wasn't good enough for him.
But the problem is not him, it's me. I have self-esteem issues, and that's because of my physical appearance, I hate my nose. Even though it's the only thing I'd chance about me, it ruins my life and makes me so insecure. I've started to go to clubs and to drink lately, thinking that flirting with men would make me feel better about myself. Even if someone likes me and I feel him nervous around me, I still feel insecure, even angry with me. I don't honestly get how men turn on their heads when I pass by. I believe this damn nose ruins the rest of my facial features. I thought of having a nose job, but I invested some money in a shop and I need a car, so in order to be independent, I do need the car.
When I tell my friends about it, the don't get me serious, they think I'm just silly.
I read self-help books, they didn't help me much, they do, but just for the moment. I forgot to mention that I am a very sensitive person and I need to finally fall in love, to get to love someone and feel loved again. I know that this feelings of sadness and depression would go away if I meet someone who would care about me, but it's truly hard to trust and surrender.
I'm dreaming every day about the nose job and I think how I'd feel when I have it done. This is called craziness, but although I seek men's approval, I feel like I don't want them to like me now, in fact I want to make myself invisible until I go to the aesthetician.
I cry every single day and I don't know what to do. I feel so lonely on that because I haven't shared my thought with anyone so far. They would just think I'm nuts.
I do need your advice. And sorry for "the long story".
Thank your very much. I'm looking forward to receiving your answer.
Hello. I'm unpacked from my vacation by now, so I am ready to send you my very best take on the question you asked me. I am curious that you asked it in the category of metaphysics vs. something more relationship-oriented, but I will try my best to share some understanding with you.
Life itself is a science; one that is created so that you can discover who you truly are. If you read the Bible, St. Paul said that Life is a Schoolmaster. Like all Schoolmasters, there are many, many lessons we must learn. Some are easy. We learn the most, though, from the hard ones.
I asked myself "What is the lesson M. is supposed to learn do you think?" Here is my answer:
It would appear that you are going to be learning many lessons about your Self through the courtesy of your relationship experiences. One of the lessons I learned there is that men, knowing how sympathetic women are in general, will create bull shit stories to tug on our sympathies for one reason only: to have sex. I am not going to advise you how you should react to learning this lesson. It is important, though, that you learn the lesson and then learn to trust yourself with your reactions once you learn it. Ask your innermost heart what you want to do understanding that your sympathies are being tugged at deliberately? You'll know the best answer for you on that one, M.
One thing I learned around that lesson was that I felt abandoned the day after I slept with these men, so I had to ask myself "Do you want to continue to feel abandoned, or can you live with yourself just for the sake of having a one-night stand for sex?"
One bit of advice I can honestly give you: Find a way to discover more about yourself so that you can rely comfortably on that knowledge when these relationship issues come up.
Here are some of the things I did to find out who the heck I am: I did personal and group therapy; I read and worked the problems inside self-help books; I found a church where self-help was the main thrust (Church of Religious Science); I journaled; I tried hypnosis; I tried to find others who were on the same path so that we could talk through problems. I looked for venues that were about self-discovery and attended them.
When you say you are sensitive and need to fall in love, I agree with you, but my reason for agreeing are probably different than yours were for saying it. I think you need to fall in love WITH YOU, not someone else. If you don't know who you are, you will never trust someone else to love you. The person who needs to care about you is YOU. The sadness that you need to heal is YOURS. I believe that you are depressed because you don't yet know who you are, what your strengths are, what your boundaries are, so you are all over the place looking - as the song says - for love in all the wrong places. Love is inside you.
Try to discover the wonder that you are, M. What makes you unique? What makes you special? What is the heart of you that is loving? You are lonely because you're lonely for YOU, so I'd like to encourage you to set off on the great adventure of finding out who you are. You're young and you're at the beginning of a great experience!
Your nose is not the essence of you, M. Your heart and mind is. Every single individual has features about their body that they find repulsive or offensive. I'm laughing when I say that if you could see the size of my butt you'd know what I mean! hahahahahaha What difference does that make for me when the whole of my mind and heart is loving and generous? I have chosen to focus on my love and generosity and let the body be damned. I accept no limitations for my life because of the size of my body. I hope you can get to this place someday. There are old song lyrics that helped me put this in place "Do I love you because you're beautiful? Or are you beautiful because I love you?" Like that.
Well, I hope that you find this helpful. ACTION is needed to solve every problem. What action are you willing to take?
Please feel free to write again.