AboutVena McGrath Expertise As the author of a novel about my life online in chat rooms specifically, and a few adventures into online dating, I can answer almost any question anyone could ask about chatting online. The excitement, the adrenalin rush, the manipulation of the mind, the corruption of morals, the danger of stalking and harrassment online and offline, the lies, the secrets. The reality of this `fantasy` is frightening. My book tells a story that hopefully will make anyone who reads it more wary and chatwise than I was when I stumbled upon chat in late 1999 as a naive woman who didn`t have a clue what a chat room on the internet was. I have spent many hours online counselling men and women with broken hearts, wounded pride, and yes, very real fear. My passion is to try to help eradicate the not so good factors out of chat rooms and make them once again fun places where people feel safe.
Experience My experience commenced in June 1999 in international chat rooms and then a move in late September 1999 to chat rooms in Australia. I am still online, have my own chat room, and my first novel titled 'Secrets, Lies & Chat' was published by American-Book Publishing in 2005 and is now available from my website www.secretslieschat.net.au for a very competitive price. I have also released on my website an eBook which is a revised version of Secrets, Lies & Chat and only costs $4.95 5o download in either word or pdf format.
Organizations I belong to many writing organisations online and I belong to the chat room community of BigPond.
Publications Communique - a monthly newspaper produced by the NSW Government Department of Commerce
SMH ICON liftout 'The Net Effect' April 2004
Numerous articles in PoynterOnline
Numerous letters to the editor, SMH
My profile and short stories and articles are all online at AuthorsDen.com and some are posted on my website.
Education/Credentials High School Educated
TAFE Secretarial
Numerous OH&S certificates
Numerous Computer related courses
Expert: Vena McGrath Date: 2/21/2008 Subject: hurt, lonely, and confused
Question I have been married only a few years. I have a 6 y/o and a 6 mo old. The last few years of my life have been fine, yet I have spent the last 5 1/2 mo very lonely in my marriage. My husband works a lot and has a lot of late nights so our time together is limited. My husband recently took up the hobby of playing poker. It turned into online playing and now playing 1-2 times a week at a local restaurant/bar. I feel lonely in this marriage and started getting annoyed that he doesn't help out much with the kids. For example, he has bathed out 6 mo old only once and that is because he had to. I have to write down instructions on how to take care of the kids the few times he is left with them which is normally when I work on Saturday mornings. I have to write down what to feed the baby and when, etc... My 6 y/o has recently been giving me a hard time about not wanting "daddy to be the babysitter." To make a long story short... My husband has a former female co-worker friend. I have met her and her husband. She seemed very nice, sending baby gifts and showing up at our cook-out with flowers, etc… I recently went to check my email and my husband’s email came up (this happens when one of us doesn’t officially sign out) and I noticed emails from this girl. Yes, I snooped through them for a couple of days along with his cell phone. I didn’t know what to make of the emails. They could go either way harmless or potentially noting something going on between them. In a nut shell, the emails let me know that they were driving a significant distance to have lunches together, were playing poker online together, played poker together in person one time, talked on the phone, etc… The girl has now helped him get a new job that at her new company where he will start on Monday. I approached my husband about all of this will my already frustration with feeling like he doesn’t help out with the kids, is never home, etc… He was very defensive (typical of his personality). When I asked for questions, what few answers I got made me feel worse. I questioned a “personality” test that the girl emailed him where he took it and they compared their personalities. His response to me was that he has taken several personality tests that she asked him to and that she is just weird and into that stuff. The specific test that I saw their scores compared was a 100+ question test. Another answer I got to why did an email say “didn’t catch a glimpse of shooting stars last night, just froze my a*** off. LOL…..Look for me on poker. I’ll do the same…… was that he was playing poker online until 2am and she was online. He told her that the news said there would be a lot of shooting stars that night. So they both got offline at 2am and went outside to look. I have stewed in this for weeks! I don’t think they are having a physical affair, yet he has definitely been putting more effort into his “friendship” with her and to me that is like having an emotional affair with another married woman. Yesterday I did some investigating (remembered my husband saying where her husband worked) and found a phone number for her husband. I called him and we talked and compared notes. Turns out that he was aware of some of the things going on, yet not all. He told me about how she tends to have lots of guys friends and it bothers him. I told him how the nature of it bothers me and why. We exchanged numbers and asked each other to contact the other one if we suspected anything further. He called me back yesterday and said he questioned her about it. She claimed they were just friends too. We both told our spouses that we talked. My husband has been kiss my backside all day, which lets me know he knows he was in the bad no matter what is actually going on. Her husband called me again to day to check and see if I was ok and to let me know that he was uneasy about everything as well. We again left it that we would contact each other if we suspect anything. I can tell he is lonely too. What do I do? Is it ok to continue to confide in her husband since we are in the same boat now that our spouses know we have made contact with each other. I already told my husband that I was considering divorce because we have had similar issues a long long time ago back in college, yet I wrote that off as stupid drinking and he didn’t know what he was doing. Please shed some light. I feel blinded and my opinion changes daily. Please lend your helpful advice. How do I make sure to do what is right for me and my kids?
Answer Hello Amy
You have a number of issues in your life that have overwhelmed you I feel. Having two littlies to battle with is a lot for a young mother and I know what it's like to have to shoulder that burden mainly on your own, as well as do the housework, washing, ironing, do the shopping, the cooking and on the list goes. I was lucky that my husband was good with the kids for a while until he began to drink too much. But that's my hard luck story and this is your problem you need to solve.
I'm afraid that we now live in a world that has brought with progress many things that have also brought more hardship upon people and because these things, like the Internet, are new, very few can understand the impact or even see that their use of the medium is having an impact on the lives of others.
I think that your husband is probably overwhelmed too by the fact that he has a wife and two young childen. Many men don't have an iota of an idea how to multi skill - we joke about the fact they can't but when it's in your face it's not so funny. Men are able usually to concentrate on one thing as a priority and the rest of life either gets a turn or misses out totally. I can understand your frustration and desperation at the situation you have found yourself in because of his apparent inability to prioritise his time to make available a large chunk for you and his children.
It's not unusual to have to leave notes for a husband so that he gets it right with the kids. Some mothers would just go out and leave the children with dad, knowing that he loved them instilling enough faith that he would get it right. Maybe not as right as you would get it, but good enough. Kids need change of routine sometimes too and getting away with things with dad now and then isn't such a bad thing.
Perhaps your husband feels inadequate and you may well have had a lot to do with him feeling that way. Most of us, when we can't make the grade with someone, either give up or make our own lives totally miserable because we can never get it right and feel like losers. You have probably felt that way yourself at some time in your life, and it isn't a nice feeling - the negatives far outweigh any positives and you withdraw rather than get into strife for not getting it right.
Being a mother is the hardest job in the world and to be honest, most men haven't a clue about how hard it is. You have to be superhuman to make it through each day without throwing yourself off a cliff. But then you only have to look at your darling children to know that it's all worth the struggle because they are so precious and the most precious gifts you will ever be given.
Don't threaten your husband with divorce as you know what happened to the boy who called wolf too many times! If you feel you can't survive in this marriage and you have a way out that will see the children in a safe place with you, then do it. But don't threaten; it will just make your heart harden and you will become someone even you don't like.
The Internet has given everyone who is just a little computer savvy the opportunity to broaden either their education or their contact with strangers. I personally believe that people in a committed relationship should not be using a computer to talk to strangers or to play games online with other people. I know only too well where that kind of interaction can end up.
I believe your husband is being unfaithful to you with this other woman even it it's just in his mind. There are many kinds of affairs and online ones are the new kids on the block. It is possible to have a very serious online relationship with another person to the degree that it takes over your life. You begin to take chances and you see another side of life that you want; freedom to say what you want and to express your feelings to a stranger. It's very addictive. Seeing that person come online makes your heart jump; receiving emails sets you mind and body on fire and the attraction soon can turn to desire and a need to meet for real in spite of the dangers attached to it.
That's another reason for you not to threaten divorce because by doing that you will give your husband the perfect excuse to look for what he needs from another woman. People online play games all the time, every day, every night, all year long. They wait for their partners to go to bed, or they do it while the partner is cooking dinner, looking after the kids, watching TV, or maybe out at work.
Snooping at things on the computer that are your husband's personal domain does not make you a nice person. So please don't do that. All you are doing is fuelling the thoughts you already have about his unfaithfulness, or the possibility he is being unfaithful. You will also send him underground as he is now doing by playing with computers in other places outside of the home.
I think you should cut all ties with this other woman's husband because you are doing the same thing as your husband is doing, and in your mind you are telling yourself that it's okay because you are discussing an issue that is impacting on the both of you. Get back your pride and self-esteem and handle this on your own without bringing another person into the picture. All this will do is cause more bitterness, more mistrust, and more despair and could end up backfiring on you bigtime.
Keep in mind too that you can be charged with harassment and stalking if this other woman gets wind of what you are doing. The laws about the use of the Internet are tightening and people are being brought to justice for misuse of the medium. In your case it would be an invasion of privacy that led to harassment and maybe stalking. I doubt you would ever do anything like that, but then when our minds take over our bodies we do some very strange things.
It's natural that you keep changing your mind daily about the situation. This is because your mind is in turmoil and you are tying yourself up in knots. Your options are only limited by the resources available to you to change the situation. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel for the two of you now that he has taken a job at the same company this woman works for. The seed has been planted in your mind that he is doing the wrong thing and as he will be seeing her every day at work, I can only imagine what turmoil you will go through.
For the sake of your precious children you need to come to some kind of resolution and act on it now. Don't leave things hanging while finding excuses all the time not to make changes. All of the little niggling things that upset you about your husband are nothing compared to the thought he may be cheating on you with another woman. The other issues are compounded by this very real fear and you have to come to terms with it or change your life.
Only you can know what you must do to turn the tide in your home and in your life. You can ask as many people as you like for advice but no one is in your shoes and if I had them on I would be hurting bigtime. I can tell that even bringing your husband to heel hasn't satisfied you in the least and that's good. There's no joy in passing the hurt around because really you are just hurting yourself more. He obviously likes to play games with your head.
Nothing is forever and that includes relationships. But there are two little people you brought into the world that you are responsible for and their happiness and well being must be your priority as their mother. Think about that and not about your own hurt and I am sure you will find your way out of the maze you are now entwined in.
I wish you all the best. Be strong. Whatever decision you make, live with it and get on with it. As my son says 'build a bridge and get over it'. Perhaps you need to build that bridge soon.
