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About Vena McGrath
Expertise
As the author of a novel about my life online in chat rooms specifically, and a few adventures into online dating, I can answer almost any question anyone could ask about chatting online. The excitement, the adrenalin rush, the manipulation of the mind, the corruption of morals, the danger of stalking and harrassment online and offline, the lies, the secrets. The reality of this `fantasy` is frightening. My book tells a story that hopefully will make anyone who reads it more wary and chatwise than I was when I stumbled upon chat in late 1999 as a naive woman who didn`t have a clue what a chat room on the internet was. I have spent many hours online counselling men and women with broken hearts, wounded pride, and yes, very real fear. My passion is to try to help eradicate the not so good factors out of chat rooms and make them once again fun places where people feel safe.

Experience
My experience commenced in June 1999 in international chat rooms and then a move in late September 1999 to chat rooms in Australia. I am still online, have my own chat room, and my first novel titled 'Secrets, Lies & Chat' was published by American-Book Publishing in 2005 and is now available from my website www.secretslieschat.net.au for a very competitive price. I have also released on my website an eBook which is a revised version of Secrets, Lies & Chat and only costs $4.95 5o download in either word or pdf format.

Organizations
I belong to many writing organisations online and I belong to the chat room community of BigPond.

Publications
Communique - a monthly newspaper produced by the NSW Government Department of Commerce
SMH ICON liftout 'The Net Effect' April 2004
Numerous articles in PoynterOnline
Numerous letters to the editor, SMH
My profile and short stories and articles are all online at AuthorsDen.com and some are posted on my website.

Education/Credentials
High School Educated
TAFE Secretarial
Numerous OH&S certificates
Numerous Computer related courses

You are here: Experts > Internet/Online > Chatting Online > Online Chatting > Breakup advice

Online Chatting - Breakup advice

Expert: Vena McGrath - 10/30/2009

Question
Hi,

You are probably going to hate me by the end of this mail. Let me begin by telling you that I was involved in a relationship for 4 years, which I decided to end a year back. We had our usual ups and downs when we were dating. We did fight a lot, but almost always made up later on. Things were going fine, but I decided to move out of the country and did not know whether I could commit or not and hence, decided to end the relationship. Additionally, my mom also did not like her too much and I felt that it was not worth holding onto if there were so many problems involved. However, my ex did not want it to end. She tried a lot, even asking me many times whether we could ever get back. In fact, despite being broken up, I would speak to her often and many times, the same question would crop up. This went on, even after I went back home for a month and saw her, more than a year later. Now, I am back in this other country and she asked me once more if it was possible to get back. I was still not sure and told her to just move on. Now, that she has moved on and is seeing another guy, I feel that I have done a big mistake and shouldn't have let her go. I tried to hide it from her, but ended up revealing it to her, which naturally has driven her mad. But, she still wants to be friends with me. I cannot be friends with her, but do not want to hurt her either. What do I do? How do I solve this situation that I am in?

Answer
Hello Raj

From what I've read you are not your own person. You are still your mother's son and you put her feelings about your friend before your own. You aren't good relationship material I'm sorry to have to say because you haven't yet cut the umbilical cord between your mother and you. Did you have any say in the man or men that your mother chose to have relationships with? I doubt it but if you did then both you and your mother need to do some heavy thinking about your lives and just what you will allow to rule them and what you won't.

If you had truly loved this lady then hell and high water wouldn't have kept you from being with her. As it is, you have played games with her heart and her mind. After 4 years of a relationship most people are thinking very seriously about making a commitment and if they aren't then it is time to move on. You moved on and left her dangling. You told her to move on too but now that she has you don't like the outcome. You really do want your cake and you want to eat it too!

It seems to me that you are still playing around with her heart and mind but, if she told you about this new guy, then she is playing too. Perhaps you both deserve each other but then again, I wouldn't think two players would do too well too close.

You are in another country and have a new life. You made the decision to up and leave with your mother. Let the poor girl go and find a new life away from you. Do the right thing and cut off all contact with her. You don't have a clue really what you want or don't want and this is totally unfair to another person.

Neither of you will be happy until you grow up and away from each other. We all, at some time or other, reach the point where paths divide and lives separate. There is a reason for this even though at the time it's hard to know what the reason is or why. People come into our lives for a reason for a season or longer and when it's time for them to move on, they do. You moved on for whatever reason and you say you broke up the relationship. Stick with what you have done and build that bridge, get over it, and burn it so you can't go back and haunt the lady on the other side.

I wish you both good luck and health and separate happiness.

Vena

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