AboutVena McGrath Expertise As the author of a novel about my life online in chat rooms specifically, and a few adventures into online dating, I can answer almost any question anyone could ask about chatting online. The excitement, the adrenalin rush, the manipulation of the mind, the corruption of morals, the danger of stalking and harrassment online and offline, the lies, the secrets. The reality of this `fantasy` is frightening. My book tells a story that hopefully will make anyone who reads it more wary and chatwise than I was when I stumbled upon chat in late 1999 as a naive woman who didn`t have a clue what a chat room on the internet was. I have spent many hours online counselling men and women with broken hearts, wounded pride, and yes, very real fear. My passion is to try to help eradicate the not so good factors out of chat rooms and make them once again fun places where people feel safe.
Experience My experience commenced in June 1999 in international chat rooms and then a move in late September 1999 to chat rooms in Australia. I am still online, have my own chat room, and my first novel titled 'Secrets, Lies & Chat' was published by American-Book Publishing in 2005 and is now available from my website www.secretslieschat.net.au for a very competitive price. I have also released on my website an eBook which is a revised version of Secrets, Lies & Chat and only costs $4.95 5o download in either word or pdf format.
Organizations I belong to many writing organisations online and I belong to the chat room community of BigPond.
Publications Communique - a monthly newspaper produced by the NSW Government Department of Commerce
SMH ICON liftout 'The Net Effect' April 2004
Numerous articles in PoynterOnline
Numerous letters to the editor, SMH
My profile and short stories and articles are all online at AuthorsDen.com and some are posted on my website.
Education/Credentials High School Educated
TAFE Secretarial
Numerous OH&S certificates
Numerous Computer related courses
Question I was wondering if physical and verbal abuse could tourn someone aaway from the desire to have sex with their husband any longer? We used to have a great sex life for about 20 years off and on ,but then here came the physical abuse it quit after about a year then here came the verbal abuse .I would love to have a sexlife like that again ,do you think that will ever happen again?
Answer Hi cathleen
Everyone is different. Some can forgive and forget and get on with picking up the pieces and renewing the relationship. I think that those people are blessed, especially if once the pieces are put back together whatever caused the break is gone and the rest of their lives are spent as they wish, happily.
I'm not one of those people. I couldn't forgive my husband his trespasses against me because there were so many promises, so many lies, so much mental abuse. Each time I gave in and tried again things would crumble once more in a short space of time and everything would go back to that life I hated so much. I gave up trying and walked away. The trouble is that I stayed far too long and I've never been able to even consider seriously being involved with anyone else. It's now 21 years since I walked away from my marriage and although I've had some diversions, none has lasted through my decisions not to choose anyone that could become long-term. I have deep-seated fears that will never go away and trusting any man with my heart isn't an option for me.
All I can advise you is to listen to your inner heart. Watch your husband and listen to him too. Body language tells us a lot and so does the 'lie in the eyes'. If you cannot forget and forgive then you are better off walking away because if you don't you will suffer emotionally and physically and you will most likely become to hate your husband even being in the same room as you. If however you can forgive and forget then you will really have to do some work on your memory bank and try to erase the hurt so that you actually can 'feel' again and making love will return to what you want it to be.
I think that a lot of us, as we grow older, think about the days gone by and wish we could grab them back along with the lust and excitement of sex with our partner. However we can't go back and life changes us and our attitudes without us even realising. It often takes something like the soul searching you are now doing for us to come to the realisation that things actually have changed quite dramatically and we have just gone along for the ride changing stride as we need to.
I doubt there are many middle aged adults in this world that don't wish for their lives to return to when they were young and carefree. This is why, in my opinion, so many men and women choose younger lovers. They become young inside just by having someone younger take notice of them and the boost to the ego and self-esteem can't be bought for any amount of money. Most wouldn't let go of their life partners or their assets, but having that extra someone to soak up youth from is very beneficial although dangerous. The danger aspect is of course an excitement to the senses itself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you either accept what you have with your husband and mend fences and work hard on concentrating on making your sex life what you want it to be or you walk away and build a new life. If the abuse has ceased then you are a lucky lady and the cards are in your favour. If however you are just wanting to believe that things have changed when they haven't really, I would advise that you break away now before it becomes too late to make that break.
