AboutVena McGrath Expertise As the author of a novel about my life online in chat rooms specifically, and a few adventures into online dating, I can answer almost any question anyone could ask about chatting online. The excitement, the adrenalin rush, the manipulation of the mind, the corruption of morals, the danger of stalking and harrassment online and offline, the lies, the secrets. The reality of this `fantasy` is frightening. My book tells a story that hopefully will make anyone who reads it more wary and chatwise than I was when I stumbled upon chat in late 1999 as a naive woman who didn`t have a clue what a chat room on the internet was. I have spent many hours online counselling men and women with broken hearts, wounded pride, and yes, very real fear. My passion is to try to help eradicate the not so good factors out of chat rooms and make them once again fun places where people feel safe.
Experience My experience commenced in June 1999 in international chat rooms and then a move in late September 1999 to chat rooms in Australia. I am still online, have my own chat room, and my first novel titled 'Secrets, Lies & Chat' was published by American-Book Publishing in 2005 and is now available from my website www.secretslieschat.net.au for a very competitive price. I have also released on my website an eBook which is a revised version of Secrets, Lies & Chat and only costs $4.95 5o download in either word or pdf format.
Organizations I belong to many writing organisations online and I belong to the chat room community of BigPond.
Publications Communique - a monthly newspaper produced by the NSW Government Department of Commerce
SMH ICON liftout 'The Net Effect' April 2004
Numerous articles in PoynterOnline
Numerous letters to the editor, SMH
My profile and short stories and articles are all online at AuthorsDen.com and some are posted on my website.
Education/Credentials High School Educated
TAFE Secretarial
Numerous OH&S certificates
Numerous Computer related courses
Question hi vena, as im writing this im close to tears, because ive got mself into a situation that i feel i cant win . . no matter what. im single and have been for over a year now, i spend a lot of time on facebook and have gained contact with a lot of old friends from school. one girl in particular i speak to once every 4 - 5 mnths through facebook however i also have her boyfriend as a friend and i talk to him a lot more than i talk to her. he has since split up from her and its very fresh (only a few weeks) and he has asked to take me out . . . . over the last 2 years (which is how long me and vicky have been back in contact for)we have become close, he talks to me about his problems as i do to him. i like him soooo much that the thought of not being with him is unbearable. i havent met anyone that is everything im looking for . . . except him!!i convinced myself that it would be ok, after all i never saw vickie socially so she wasnt a good friend and i saw her like once or twice a year. i thought if i deleted my facebook then she would never contact me and id have strong ground for being with her ex (i planned to tell her about us a year after they split) anyway ive only seen him for a week and this morning i got a txt out the blue from vickie asking me how i am. . . . . this has just thrown everything into turmoil. im close to tears as the thought of losing my man over this is unbearable, but im also struggling with my consience as i know she would feel devestated if she found out. i feel completly torn! the problem i have getting over is the fact if he can make me happy then should i not take that oppurtunity for someone i rarely see?? no one has even come close to making me feel happy but he makes me feel like im on cloud 9. and to be honest im not even sure why im asking u this question as im sure i know what ur going to say but i dont like hearing that i should end it . . . its not what i want. but i dont want to hurt her too. i just wish their was a way we could all be happy!!
Answer Hi lisa
I really have no idea why you are in such a turmoil about being friends with this guy who was once the boyfriend of a female acquaintance. You could have met him without ever knowing who his ex was, and isn't this how life usually pans out? We often meet people because we share friends and acquaintances and I see no reason for any guilt on your part or his. If he was still with Vicky and in a committed or otherwise relationship then I would say that you should back out. From what I've read, unless I'm totally confused, he is free to see whomever he wishes to, and so are you.
People meet for a reason and when the reason is over they go their separate ways. Perhaps he may have broken it off with her and you feel that Vicky is suffering over the break-up. Or maybe you already know that she is because she told you about it. Only you know the answer to that but it is not your problem and you shouldn't waste time anguishing about it.
You have no reason to tell Vicky anything as you have said that you only have contact with her on the odd occasion online and maybe a text message here and there. You are not friends therefore you don't owe her anything unless, as I said, you are coming between two people still involved.
If this guy makes you happy and you can honestly say that he is interested in pursuing a friendship with you that could grow into something more, and is free to do so, then go with the flow. Forget all the other stuff, it's in the past and not part of your past either. You are living in the here and now and you have met someone you want to spend time with. If you are truly being honest in what you have told me then enjoy whatever comes from the friendship with him and forget about Vicky. You cannot live your life for others. If you do that you will want to know about the past love life of every man you ever meet and will feel guilty about all of the ex girlfriends. That is just being silly and wasting your life over things that do not concern you.
So no, I'm not telling you to break it off with this guy. Step into the circle with him and see where it goes. If there are no lies, there is nothing to fear. If Vicky finds out about the two of you and is upset then it's up to her to discuss this with the guy, not you.
