AboutVena McGrath Expertise As the author of a novel about my life online in chat rooms specifically, and a few adventures into online dating, I can answer almost any question anyone could ask about chatting online. The excitement, the adrenalin rush, the manipulation of the mind, the corruption of morals, the danger of stalking and harrassment online and offline, the lies, the secrets. The reality of this `fantasy` is frightening. My book tells a story that hopefully will make anyone who reads it more wary and chatwise than I was when I stumbled upon chat in late 1999 as a naive woman who didn`t have a clue what a chat room on the internet was. I have spent many hours online counselling men and women with broken hearts, wounded pride, and yes, very real fear. My passion is to try to help eradicate the not so good factors out of chat rooms and make them once again fun places where people feel safe.
Experience My experience commenced in June 1999 in international chat rooms and then a move in late September 1999 to chat rooms in Australia. I am still online, have my own chat room, and my first novel titled 'Secrets, Lies & Chat' was published by American-Book Publishing in 2005 and is now available from my website www.secretslieschat.net.au for a very competitive price. I have also released on my website an eBook which is a revised version of Secrets, Lies & Chat and only costs $4.95 5o download in either word or pdf format.
Organizations I belong to many writing organisations online and I belong to the chat room community of BigPond.
Publications Communique - a monthly newspaper produced by the NSW Government Department of Commerce
SMH ICON liftout 'The Net Effect' April 2004
Numerous articles in PoynterOnline
Numerous letters to the editor, SMH
My profile and short stories and articles are all online at AuthorsDen.com and some are posted on my website.
Education/Credentials High School Educated
TAFE Secretarial
Numerous OH&S certificates
Numerous Computer related courses
Question QUESTION: hi, never done this before, sometimes its good to get an outsiders opinion, also i ahve a lot of built up anger and upset i need to get put so it will be good for me to write it down. my fiance of 5 years and father to my 1 yr old son has walked out on us, i had to cancel my own wedding which was awful.he sees my son every weekend which is very difficult for me as i have to see him and find it difficult to move on. we been apart 5 mnths and my world has turned upside down. i belived things were going well with us so it was a shock and he couldnt give me an explanation just that he was having doubts as to if he wants to be with me. he left me 2 years before too for 3 mnths and i found out 3 weeks after he left he was seing someone altho he swears she was not on the scene at the time we parted. anyway, i have since found out through friends he is seeing someone else, and there living together and got a kitten together. yet he will not admit this and sweara he and her have only been seeing each other a little while. on facebook he has actually written he thinks this girl is 'beautiful and perfect and he adores her'. i cant sleep or eat, i feel sick just thinking about it. all i ever did was try and make him happy. now im a single mum on benefits and hes living it up with her. how is this fair? why is it the person who does the dumping is always better off and happy. i feel as tho im in a hole i cant get out of, all i do is cry, my son bears the brunt or my upset as im very short tempered with him. im fed up with the unanswered questions and him lying to me. yet if i say anything he says its none of my buisness anymore. and what also upsets me is his family act like i dont exist. just speak to me when they want to see my son. i dont understand how everyone can be so hurtful towards me! im just a wreck and i feel like locking myself away and seeing no one. plz help me?
ANSWER: Hello lisa
I can understand how this has overwhelmed you and it will take a while for you to get over the shock of what has happened. However you are not the loser here, he is. You may have been left at the alter almost, but take it from me that is marginally better than marrying a loser. He actually did you a favour in walking out and he has saved you from a lot of worse grief than you are feeling right now.
You are definitely on the winning side here. You have a beautiful little boy and having made the decision to give him life, you are now obligated as a mother and a human being to give him the best life you can. Don't take out your frustrations on him; he didn't ask to be born and doesn't deserve to have a mother that shows little love towards him. Look into his sweet, innocent eyes and know that he will be your most faithful and adoring knight for ever if you show him the love he deserves. You will never have anything in your life as important as a child and it's time for you to realise just how lucky you are to have been able to bring a baby into the world.
Many women and men bring up children on their own for one reason or another and you can do this too. You have to make sure though that this man pays to help in the upbringing of the child that is his as well. Why on earth would you want a man who walked out on you both? Can't you see the kind of person he is? The other girl will find out soon enough too what a selfish b****** he is.
Drag yourself out of that hole and get out into the light of day. There is much more life to come for you yet but you won't earn the right to happiness unless you pull your socks up and make that little boy's life what it should be. He needs laughter and music; he needs cuddles and hugs and kisses, and lots of them. He needs to be the light of your life and you will be the light of his life. If you show him how to love and to respect then you will learn those two valuable lessons too with him. Learn patience something that he doesn't know yet. Instead of being angry with him scoop him up and make him laugh or cuddle him until he settles down.
This man does not deserve you or your child. He has thrown away his rights. Now you have to go and seek help and make very sure that you receive the proper advice to ensure that he pays maintenance and pays it until his son is whatever age that maintenance cuts out at. Don't be afraid to seek help; you are entitled to it. Don't be ashamed that you are on welfare, just do the very best you can for your little family. Seek legal aid and make sure that your child is protected and that you are protected. Make sure that visitation rights are suitable to you, not to your ex.
It's time for you to put on a happy face and be grateful for all that you do have. Don't look back into the past; live in the here and now and don't dream huge dreams for the future. The moment you are living in is the most important time of your life now and your baby's life.
Forget his family, they have no claims on your son. Don't allow them to upset you and don't go looking for their acceptance. They don't deserve to know you either. Your son will never miss out on anything so long as he has your love and support. Build your life around him now because he needs you. Babies are not stupid; they sense our emotions and they learn fear very early and are even born fearful in some ways. You have to be his protector in this life you brought him into.
As a mother of two sons that I adore, I can assure you that the love and time and care that you give to your son in his tender years will come back to you in such ways that will bring tears of happiness to your eyes. Bring him up to be a good little man. Don't talk down to him about his father because this will do nothing but push him towards his father. Be silent even though you will ache at times to scream your hatred of him. You will get over that and you will calm down and accept what has happened and know it was for the best. Don't make his visitation times with his father times of stress and anger.
I doubt very much that your ex was not involved when he left you. Men don't leave a nest unless there is another one to move into. He is a liar and it's good that he is now telling his lies to this other girl and who knows how many others?
Grab hold of this life that you have been given. There is reason for all things and you have been given the gift of a life to nurture and protect and love. Through your son you will live again and when someone good sees your smile one day and sees you interact with your son, he will come towards you and you will know he is the right one. Don't look for a replacement; the man for you will find you when it's time.
I wish I could give you a big hug and give your sweet baby a snuggle. But you can do that for me and just imagine that I am there now doing my very best to make you feel better.
Please try hard for both your sakes and I promise that you will feel the sun again shining in your heart. Remember how many women can't have a baby; think of all the women that lose their babies by miscarriage and the babies that are still-born. Cherish the gift and you will reap your rewards.
Don't waste angry words on your ex it will just feed his ego. Put a calendar on the wall and each day put a cross for each time you think about him. Work hard on changing your attitude and in time you will see those crosses becoming less and less each day. Swallow your pride about the cancelled wedding although I can fully understand how bad that must have been for you. Think of it as being something that saved you from perhaps a terrible life with a man who does not deserve you. Look in the mirror each time you pass one and smile at your reflection. In time it will smile back at you.
Take care and keep in touch if you need someone to talk to.
Vena
xxxx
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: hi vena, thankyou so much for your reply, it made me feel a lot more positive about the situation rather than negative, i have print your answer and keep it with me so if ever i start to feel down again i just re read what you said and it makes me feel a lot better.
i do have a follow up question tho, after my ex fiance left me i joined a dateing website, im not one for going clubbing everyweekend, and on the occasions i do go its hard to meet guys in that type of enviroment. aswell on a website everyone knows i have a son and if they dont like it they dont have to email me so i feel everything is out in the open. now for my question . . . i met a wonderful man, his name is steve and he is the most kindest, generous, sweetest man you will ever meet. he's got a brilliant body, great dress sense and we have LOTS in common . . . and i mean ive never had this much in common with someone before, the only problem i have (and im ashamed to say this, i generally feel awful) is sometimes i fancy him and sometimes i dont! i look at him at times and i think 'wow your gorgeous im so lucky' and there is other times i look at him and think that i dont fancy him. if im honest i would say i feel i dont fancy him more than i do feel like i do.
the dilemma i face is this . . i dont want to end it with him as i know how lucky i am to of met someone like him, especially after the way my ex treated me, also its only been 5 mnths after splitting with jeff so its going to be difficult to fancy and accept another man in my life, especially as i still have to see jeff every week. i dont love steve . . . but i feel this is normal too as i cant expect to love him the way i loved jeff, cos it took me 5 years to fall that madly in love with jeff and look at him and fancy even wen i know he wasnt at his best.
but at the same time i worry im trying to convince myself i can love him wen really hes not the one for me. i dont want to let steve go and the fact i do fancy him at times must count for something right?? i enjoy his company too.
i know how lucky i am to have someone like steve and im thinking with time as my hurt for jeff fades i will love him too. do you think you can be happy with someone that you havent fallen head over heels for straight away?? hes brilliant with my son too, absolutly adores him and whenever we go anywhere he wants kye to come with us, which is nice cos some men would ask u to get a baysitter. steve knows fully the situation with jeff and i can talk to him about it and he understands, i would never keep this from him, but i feel guilty that i have an amazing man whom i should be soooo happy with that wen i hear things about jeff they dont bother me as im with someone better, but they do bother me and i still feel like i been stabbed in the heart with a knife and then i start to go cold with steve. can i have your opinion on this situation? thankyou so much
lisa xx
Answer Hi lisa
You do sound so much brighter and more positive about Jeff and you seem to be putting a lot of the bad things behind you. I think however that you are being very hard on yourself to expect to fall out of love and into love again in 5 months. I doubt very much that is at all possible so please stop beating yourself up about it.
I am very proud that my reply to you is part of the road back for you. Thank you for letting me know :)
Your new friend sounds like a dream. I hope that you have checked out his credentials properly, such as his single status etc and have made very sure there isn't a wife around anywhere. People are very good at living double lives unfortunately and having been the victim of such a scam myself, I would never want to think anyone else was facing the same heartache and utter loss of self-esteem as I did for a time. They even move clothing and other effects into your home and spend time with you that shouts that they couldn't possibly be married. They meet your family and friends and sprout about being divorced and honest. And yet they often are just the opposite.
I'm sure though that you would have made certain he is the real thing.
So, now you have met someone else. He is all that you think you want and yet something just isn't right. I could perhaps think that you may be a co-dependent and that although you hated how Jeff treated you, for some strange reason you feel that is how you should be treated. This is what co-dependence is and usually stems from a childhood relationship with a parent that left scars that you can't escape from until you realise this is what is wrong and you work hard to change your choices. I'm not saying this is you, I'm just putting this forward as an option.
There is no way you can have Jeff out of your life and so you have to battle now with your feelings for him. One day you no doubt hate him, and then when you take your son to spend time with him, you soften. You want what you lost even though you know it was poison and that he tried to destroy you and your life. We are strange beings us humans and we often find it hard to let go, even when we know full well that letting go is the only option. You have to get Jeff into perspective and put him in the place in your heart and mind where he now belongs. He is the father of your child and that's the bottom line.
You need to speak to your new guy about Jeff and be totally honest about how you are feeling. If he cares a lot about you and may even think he is in love with you, he will know how to help you over this very hard patch in your life. He needs to know why you have mood swings though or he will begin to drift away out of fear that it is him you are pushing away. You are afraid, and that is only natural. No matter how much you tell yourself he is wonderful, amazing, and that you should be so thankful to have him, something inside you keeps pulling you away from him.
Don't expect too much too soon. You can't, if you are a real person, true and honest, love one man today and then love another tomorrow. It may take you a year or more to regain your trust and faith enough to let go fully with this new man. He needs to have the option to choose to stay and wait it out with you or to move on away from you. It's up to you to be brave enough to be fully open with him about what is bothering you and to tell him to his face that even though you adore him you are unable to fall in love until you have healed.
Meanwhile, if he decides to stay around you and your son, make every precious moment count. He was sent to you for a reason and it's up to you to grab hold of that reason and move along wherever it takes you. You may not end up together for ever, but you have found a true friend and you are one lucky young lady for having found that. Don't push him away with your mood swings; tell him what is happening and that you don't want it to happen but can't seem to stop it.
And yes, I do think it's extremely possible to be with someone that you truly care for but don't think you love. Love comes in many forms and I also don't think that first love is easy to surpass. However first loves are often the worst for us and Jeff definitely is not anyone you need around you anymore than you have to. Steve on the other hand sounds like someone you do need around you to start getting the jigsaw of your life that Jeff destroyed back into one piece again. If the piece called Steve doesn't ultimately fit into the puzzle nice and snug, you could always bend a corner and compromise. Who knows what might happen if you do that and just let nature take it's course?
Perhaps you should have some counseling sessions with an expert and it might ease your mind and your fears. If you decide to face the demons on your own then do it as a strong, positive force. Face whatever it is head on and beat it. Nothing is for ever in life and as humans we need to realise this and move on. People meet for a reason, maybe only for a season, and then they move on away from each other. You have one hell of a legacy from Jeff; a baby that you adore and deserves your unselfish love. The more time you spend with your baby and your new man the softer you will become. Your defense walls will come down bit by bit and you will let him into your heart when it's the right time and your love for Jeff will fade into insignificance.
I hope some of what I've said can help you through this. You are not alone. Millions of people every day of the year go through issues like yours, and worse. Life was not meant to be easy, or so those that have it easy say! Don't make it harder on yourself than it needs to be because, for whatever reason, you have been sent someone to hold your hand and show you the way, even if it's just for a season.
Take care and love that little guy like he is the only baby in this world.
