AboutVena McGrath Expertise As the author of a novel about my life online in chat rooms specifically, and a few adventures into online dating, I can answer almost any question anyone could ask about chatting online. The excitement, the adrenalin rush, the manipulation of the mind, the corruption of morals, the danger of stalking and harrassment online and offline, the lies, the secrets. The reality of this `fantasy` is frightening. My book tells a story that hopefully will make anyone who reads it more wary and chatwise than I was when I stumbled upon chat in late 1999 as a naive woman who didn`t have a clue what a chat room on the internet was. I have spent many hours online counselling men and women with broken hearts, wounded pride, and yes, very real fear. My passion is to try to help eradicate the not so good factors out of chat rooms and make them once again fun places where people feel safe.
Experience My experience commenced in June 1999 in international chat rooms and then a move in late September 1999 to chat rooms in Australia. I am still online, have my own chat room, and my first novel titled 'Secrets, Lies & Chat' was published by American-Book Publishing in 2005 and is now available from my website www.secretslieschat.net.au for a very competitive price. I have also released on my website an eBook which is a revised version of Secrets, Lies & Chat and only costs $4.95 5o download in either word or pdf format.
Organizations I belong to many writing organisations online and I belong to the chat room community of BigPond.
Publications Communique - a monthly newspaper produced by the NSW Government Department of Commerce
SMH ICON liftout 'The Net Effect' April 2004
Numerous articles in PoynterOnline
Numerous letters to the editor, SMH
My profile and short stories and articles are all online at AuthorsDen.com and some are posted on my website.
Education/Credentials High School Educated
TAFE Secretarial
Numerous OH&S certificates
Numerous Computer related courses
Question I have been in a relationship with my husband since we were in high school, in the last 12 month he has become a serious alcoholic and verbally abusive. He used to be a loving man and a good father that has all since changed. I was handling that hoping to get the person I once loved back. Now, I learned two days ago that he has been unfaithful on several occasions. Since I have found out I can non stop crying and am having anxiety attacks. I talked to a divorce lawyer but I have three children and I, for some reason still love him. I cannot make sense of anything. I don't know what to do. My question is does any one have insight in this or advice? I also need help with not knowing what to do.
Answer Hello chitownMa
The only person who can make a decision for you, is you. My advice would be to get your children out of that situation, if at all possible. I don't know your husband so I have no idea if this is just a rough patch he is going through that will pass or if it's deep seeded in him. Perhaps he has always had this addiction to alcohol but managed to keep it under wraps.
Something has made things change and maybe his infidelity has a lot to do with that. He could be suffering severe guilt and turned to alcohol to dull his brain. No matter what excuse there may be that he could muster up, there is none to excuse his treatment of you and his children. Don't stay thinking things will change; they rarely do. What happens is escalation of the drinking and the abuse and you will spend your life trying to protect your children from their father. A no win situation for you or the children. He has proven that he doesn't deserve to be with his family and as the mother it's up to you to get them away from him quickly.
I don't know where you live or what the laws are as regards you being able to stay in the home you live in, with your husband being ordered out of there. In Australia it used to be that a woman and her children had the right to the family home until the youngest child turned 18. I don't know if that law still exists or if it's changed, like so many family laws have over the years.
I'm afraid it's all up to you and I hope that you have family and/or friends that will help you through this traumatic time in your life. The priority for you must be your children and you must do everything that you can to protect them no matter how hard it will be for you. If you don't you may one day carry the burden of guilt because your husband could harm the children and you won't be able to turn back the clock and change the outcome. Living with that guilt will be a much greater burden than facing up to your responsibilities now to your children.
It is very possible to love someone and yet not be able to live with that person. People come to cross roads in life and regardless of any circumstances, including children, once that cross road is reached decisions must be made for the well-being of all concerned. I stayed for many years in an emotionally abusive marriage caused by alcohol, and you can take it from me I did myself no kindness by staying and I made my 3 children suffer for all those years. I protected them always and lived in a nightmare but I couldn't protect their emotional well-being, or my own. I know now that I should have gone away from him many years before I did but I can't go back and change the past and you won't be able to either.
You have some thinking to do and you need to do it quickly. Get your plans sorted out and keep them to yourself. Don't throw thoughts and threats at your husband. Never let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. Once you have your plans worked out and you have support to help you, make the move. Do it when he isn't at home and make sure that you take everything that you and the children need. You have the right. You have already seen a divorce lawyer so you have registered the fact that you have problems. Make sure that others know what is going on because you may need evidence later on to keep him away from you and the children. Your family doctor is someone you should make aware of your problems before you make your move.
Don't allow him to coerce you into returning to him. If he cries, let him. He has made you cry and no doubt the children too. Men can be very manipulative when they think that things they own they are going to lose. Stand tall and be very brave. You will see that life can be great and that the love you think you feel for him is just the memories of when things were good. Don't break your heart over a lost cause and be grateful that you have 3 wonderful children to build your life around.
