AboutVena McGrath Expertise As the author of a novel about my life online in chat rooms specifically, and a few adventures into online dating, I can answer almost any question anyone could ask about chatting online. The excitement, the adrenalin rush, the manipulation of the mind, the corruption of morals, the danger of stalking and harrassment online and offline, the lies, the secrets. The reality of this `fantasy` is frightening. My book tells a story that hopefully will make anyone who reads it more wary and chatwise than I was when I stumbled upon chat in late 1999 as a naive woman who didn`t have a clue what a chat room on the internet was. I have spent many hours online counselling men and women with broken hearts, wounded pride, and yes, very real fear. My passion is to try to help eradicate the not so good factors out of chat rooms and make them once again fun places where people feel safe.
Experience My experience commenced in June 1999 in international chat rooms and then a move in late September 1999 to chat rooms in Australia. I am still online, have my own chat room, and my first novel titled 'Secrets, Lies & Chat' was published by American-Book Publishing in 2005 and is now available from my website www.secretslieschat.net.au for a very competitive price. I have also released on my website an eBook which is a revised version of Secrets, Lies & Chat and only costs $4.95 5o download in either word or pdf format.
Organizations I belong to many writing organisations online and I belong to the chat room community of BigPond.
Publications Communique - a monthly newspaper produced by the NSW Government Department of Commerce
SMH ICON liftout 'The Net Effect' April 2004
Numerous articles in PoynterOnline
Numerous letters to the editor, SMH
My profile and short stories and articles are all online at AuthorsDen.com and some are posted on my website.
Education/Credentials High School Educated
TAFE Secretarial
Numerous OH&S certificates
Numerous Computer related courses
Expert: Vena McGrath Date: 12/3/2007 Subject: husband having online sex
Question Please help. don't really know where to turn as it's not something you'd like to admit to your friends or family.
I've been married to my husband for 4 years, together for 9. Everything has been so great up till tonight. I have just found out he has been having Internet sex with women for the past 3 years. he says it's been about 10 times, and always with a different women he has just found in a forum. he said it was just sex chat - as opposed to discussions about his life and marriage - and only did it when he was very drunk and horny. the last time was about a month ago apparently, and i was asleep in the same room. he said he realized that that was terrible afterwards and vowed never to do it - any kind of Internet sex chat -again.
i have been unwell for several years and so cannot have sex that frequently due to exhaustion, and he said he didn't want to put pressure on me to have sex - which he has never done - and found this as an outlet every now and again.
he has confessed all, and vows to never do it again.
i don't know if i can forgive him or how to go forward with this.
it makes it so much harder because i can't talk to anyone and there's little about it online - that i can find. it always seems to be about people having long affairs online or Internet porn.
what about Internet sex chat?
please help
Answer Hi steffanie
Your question is a complex one and from what I've learned through my years of being online, it's something that some partners believe is okay (because they both do it) and others, like you, (and in the majority I would think) that feel betrayed.
I have to admit dabbling in a bit of cyber at one time, mostly just to see what it was that got people in. I found that the only time I remotely enjoyed it was with someone that I actually was having an affair with for real, as well as meeting online to chat between visits. The other times were to me a bore. I wondered how anyone could think that sitting at a computer and typing words onto a screen could turn them on. And yet I know that it does, or so I have been led to believe.
I know of one male who chats online most nights who has a wife that apparently isn't interested in the sex side of their marriage anymore, and so he used to chase up cyber sex partners regularly. What he does now I don't have a clue as I called him on it once, told him what a jerkoff I thought he was and a cheat, and he didn't like it. He gave me a hard time for a while online to cover his own mistake in trying it on me. I wore it and eventually he got bored with attacking me when there was no retaliation. I did not say anything in public chat that could in any way show him up for who he was (in my opinion anyhow) so I felt that I won by not making life hard for someone else just because I didn't agree with actions being taken.
He told me about his wife, before we had the big blowup, and said that he needed to do what he was doing because he couldn't have sex with his wife. He said it stopped him from going elsewhere in reality to find help. I guess now in hindsight I do understand however I have heard about his wife and I'm not so sure that the lady is ill. Perhaps she knows what a turd he is and just can't stand him!
In your case I can understand fully that you feel cheated. However, we have to put the shoe on the other foot for a while and become your husband. Men have animal needs that women don't have to the same degree - well some do and they are called names of course. Heaven forbid that a woman should need sex as much as a man does. But getting back to your husband. Would you prefer that he went outside your home and found arms to wrap around him or would you prefer to know that what he is indulging in is fantasy. There are women that need that fantasy too and they are the ones that he would be seeking out.
Most humans masturbate, men and women. Sometimes we do it alone, sometimes with a partner or in a group. Some people can just masturbate and get it over with, others need stimulation such as a sexy book with nude men or women in it. Some need the assistance of a vibrator, oils, creams etc.
I haven't been in your situation although I did have a so called lover living with me for a while who I found out was having private chats with other women on his computer in my house, and phone calls and messaging to other women on a mobile phone I bought for him and paid the bills for. I was mad as hell and I believed with right. I was not privving with other men in chat nor was I talking to other men on the phone or sending them sms messages. I found it very hard to trust him after that and eventually we called it a day.
I can imagine how you felt when he told you about his transgressions online. I do not believe that it could only be 10 times over a 3 year period. People addicted to that kind of thing look for it often. As I don't know how you found out about it, I'm not sure if he was feeling guilty and told you, or you stumbled on evidence yourself.
Either way, he has been cheating on you; there is no two ways about that. Whether a person cheats on a computer in chat, or in emails, or via msn messages on a mobile, or by phone sex, it’s all a form of cheating on your partner. I have always believed that people do this because there is something missing from their committed relationship and you have just backed that up by saying that you have been unwell and unable to participate very frequently.
I feel sorry for your husband because he obviously still needs this in your marriage. All I can suggest is that you do for him what he has to do for himself while he is trying to type words to a stranger on a computer. Even if you have never done it before in your life, if you love your husband and you want to make your life safe without the fear of him going to find someone to make love to, you will need to learn how to bring him on, either with your hands or with your mouth. Many married women find this kind of sex disgusting, and I was one of them when I was married. However a few years ago I decided that I had been without sex for enough years (11 after my divorce) and I met men from the internet.
Some of these men were married and they were so grateful to have someone to show them some tenderness and to actually enjoy being with them and being touched by them and touching them in return. I did for them what I never did for my husband because I knew it was part of what was missing in their lives and a big part of what they needed to feel like men again, like they mattered to someone, that someone cared enough to touch them in that way. I read about oral sex on the internet and I learned how to do it so that I perfected the skill to the best of my ability. Whilst I really didn’t enjoy it that much, I wanted to experience different things and so I did. I also learned to enjoy having oral sex done to me, something I had never had during my marriage because I shut the door on the possibility.
If you want your marriage; if you love your husband; then you need to try hard to find a way to make him feel important, to make him feel that you love him, and to keep him from straying. It’s not your fault that you haven’t been well; it’s not his fault either as it’s not his fault that he wants sex in his life and has found a way to get a form of it without touching another woman for real. He will eventually do that because he will meet someone online that he lusts for to the degree that he will find a way to meet her in the flesh. It’s all up to you I think to make him happy so he doesn’t need to stray.
I guess what I’ve said isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s from the heart and how I feel about what is happening to the two of you. Forgive your husband because really he hasn’t done anything but try to stop himself from taking that big step out the door into someone else’s arms. He will find that someone else; trust me, I know. There are women like me all over the globe that are single and can meet anyone they want to, and we do. I never broke up a marriage and if things became serious and it looked like that could happen, I broke off the relationship because I do not believe innocent people should be hurt through the lustful desires of others.
I hope I have given you a few things to think about and please don’t keep this coldness up with your husband. He is only human and doesn’t deserve to be treated with anything less than respect.
