How to Have an Online Relationship/Please help-Online relationship
QUESTION: Hi there,
I am a 28 year old woman living in Germany and I met an American man on an online dating paid site 3 months ago. We chatted for 2 weeks or so on the site and then we moved to emails, skype, telephone calls and facebook. For the last 2 months, we chatted every single day and we have had such chemistry. We have been chatting about the future and i have decided to fly to the USA in March next year in order to meet him.
He is 39 years old and does not have any kids but is a divorcee. I have really really fallen for this man and since I have never been to the USA before, i see this as great opportunity to meet the man i care about as well as visit the USA.He is legitimate as his career is in the public domain and is sometimes interviewed etc.
However, for the last 3 weeks, he has started being slow in responding to my emails. Three or four days goes by before I hear from him and when he does email back, its a very short email. During the period of silence, I normally see him active on Facebook which has started to really hurt me. Instead of responding to my messages, he spends time posting pics and comments.
I now feel anxious about this online relationship because the plane ticket will be at my expense and I will have to book it in the next few weeks. I am scared of facing a situation whereby the 4 days of silence will turn into a week of silence and come March, I will have a plane ticket but no man to visit because he would have gone all silent on me.
I actually have had 2 panic attacks during the period of silence and have been advised to seek therapy and perhaps stop this relationship. I was told to first heal myself from past pain before even trying to meet this man. My gut tells me he is losing interest in me and that I should not buy the plane ticket.
Please help me!
ANSWER: Dear Diane,
I am sorry for your quandary and anxiety starting off 2013. Your first, and most important, plan of action is to commit to psychotherapy until your treating psychologist is confident there will be no more panic attacks. We would not want the 2 panic attacks turn into 4, 6, 8 and then what is called a full blown Panic Disorder. Millions of people suffer panic attacks and it is nothing to be embarrassed about. As for stopping the relationship, that is a separate issue to treating the panic attacks.
As for the advice of "told to first heal myself from past pain before even trying to meet this man," this is true not just for this man, but all men. If the panic attacks and anxiety are directly related to the American man, there is something psychologically you need to address surrounding issues of loss, fear and loss of control (hallmarks of all anxiety.) Please do not take this question as me being chauvinist, because I am not and truly believe in gender equality.
Why is a woman (you) purchasing a plane ticket, traveling across an ocean to meet a man (Mr. America) for the first meeting?
Even though it is 2013 and we live in a gender equal society, it is still the role of a "MAN" to initiate and follow through on the initial stages of an intimate partnership. It should be his butt getting on a plane and coming to you first. That it is how it has been and how it will always be. I would not buy the plane ticket because of fear of coming to the US with no man to visit. I would not buy the plane ticket because he is the man and it is required by him to be the first to visit you.
Please consider a part, if not the majority, of your anxiety is rooted in your heart, mind & soul telling you the right way to view your circumstances. If he really cares for you and understands relationship dynamics, he should be making the first trip. What may be driving your panic and anxiety is "women's intuition." A woman's intuition is a powerful weapon all women have to help them walk through life in a safe manner and ultimately raise safe children.
Instead of buying the plane ticket, tell him you have changed your mind (lol..a woman's right) and that you will not be coming to America. However, you will be more than receptive if he comes to Germany. This way, he can also meet your family and friends and the courtship dance is on your turf, not his. Listen to your intuition and do not feel ashamed. Your heart, mind and soul are telling you to tell him he has to be a "MAN" and make the first move. You are not going crazy. You are simply not listening to what God has given to all women, the 6th sense.
Good luck, talk with a therapist regularly, feel proud and know this....
If Mr. America is the real deal, Mr. America will be at your door, in Germany, wearing Kniebundhosen with a hot plate of Saurbraten or some other silly American attempt to make his German love smile.
Viel Glück & Glückwunsch, (used Google Translate)
Dr. Michael Nuccitelli
(aka Dr. Internet Safety)
[an error occurred while processing this directive]---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Dr Nuccitelli
All I can say is WOW!You are so right!Truth be told, I was so afraid of "losing" another man that I told myself that I have to be proactive in order to date. I was so consumed in my fear that I told myself that if I dont go to the USA, then I will always be alone. I have forgotten that he has to be the man and that he has to pursue me, not the other way around!
I really needed to hear this!As I approach the big 30 and I look around me, many of my friends are married with kids and fear has started to set in that I will be one of those educated women with great careers but an empty home. Im so afraid of becoming that cat lady!
As for therapy, I used to be in therapy but left it because I did not "click" with the therapist. I am currently seeking another therapist. I normally have panic attacks when I date a man. This all stems from my fiance leaving me for his mistress.
Thank you sooooo much for the valuable advice!If Mr America chooses not to come to me then I know I will have to walk away with confidence.
ANSWER: Well you Go Ms. Baden-Wurttemberg!!!
I Googled Baden-Wurttemberg, went to images, and Mr. America would be an idiot not to come visit you in your gorgeous region.
And lol...I think Diane the "Cat Lady" is not only really cool, but sexy. lol...Even as I write this response to you, my cat "Romeo" is chilling out next to me and I have no problem being "Cat Guy" and I'm 48....
US CAT PEOPLE WILL TRIUMPH...WELCOME KATZENDAME!!!!
Happy New Year!
Dr. Michael Nuccitelli
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: How did you know im in Baden-Wurttemberg Mr Cat Guy??
Im already preparing myself for the worst....No doubt will he tell me he does not have money to fly to Europe. I know one has to be optimistic and positive BUT my gut tells me he is walking away. Oh well, like I once used to say, there are 7 billion people on this earth so why cry over just one!
Happy New Year!
lol...The website sends us the person's first name, region or country of residence, private or public response chosen by questioner, subject and their question.
And you, Ms. Cat Lady, your new name has been translated using my handy dandy Google Translator to Ms. Diane Katzendame. And as for me, that is Dr. Michael Cat Guy Thank You!!!
And if he says he does not have the money??? Really push the envelope and say you will give him half the travel costs when he arrives. And you can also tell him your 50% will be dollars and not D-Marks too. Now that is a deal he cannot refuse.
He arrives in gorgeous Baden-Wurttemberg, is met at the airport by an equally gorgeous Fräulein, has an incredible time and sent home after a glorious vacation costing him half of what he thought it would cost. Now that is bragging rights for his guy friends for at least 2 months. And who knows, maybe he will surprise you and show himself to be a real man.
Good Luck, contact him and let's find out what his response will be. Lastly, you're also not alone. Because you are Ms. Diane Katzendame and part of us Cat People, you can always write to my personal email if you need. Us Cat People have to stick together!!!
Dr. Michael Nuccitelli