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How to Have an Online Relationship/I met someone online, unintentionally...

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Question
Hi, I met a guy online about a month ago, but we were both NOT looking for an online flirt. Actually we live 10,000km apart. The thing is that we talk a lot and we seem to like each other very much. However, as a girl, I'm already really attached to this guy and constantly looking if he is online, and I think about him all the time. But on the other hand, I don't feel like he is trying to be online more often just for me. I would like to know if there is a way for me to know how he feels and what importance I have for him, because he his very important to me.
He says things like "I thought about you" or "I hope if you have a boyfriend we will still talk, because I want to stay in contact with you" or "I just wanted to talk to you before going to bed" or telling me that he missed me or he ask me if I've thought about him etc...
I have no idea how to get the truth out of those lines and it is killing me. I don't want to ask him anything about his feelings or even talk about what I feel because I am scared that he would run away. I would give anything to know what's on his mind and to see if he is just a liar, lying to me just for the fun...
If you have any advice for me, or suggestion, or things you know more about that type of relationships that could help me feel better, that would be great. :)
Thank you for your time.
J.

Answer
Dear J,

Given you live 10,000km from him and never met face-to-face, there really is no 100% method to assess if he is lying. In fact, even you you lived down the road and dated him 3X a week, you still wouldn't be able to be 100% be sure. Based on the statements he has written such as "I thought about you" and "I hope if you have a boyfriend we will still talk, because I want to stay in contact with you" and "I just wanted to talk to you before going to bed", he is either falling for you or he has the gift of writing what a young woman wants to hear. There is a way to do some creative detective work and not sound like you are fishing for his true intentions.

First, make a list like you did above in your question of all the really nice things he has said. Second, now we need a timeline. Of the list you create, write next to each "nice statement" the date of the nice comment and whether he initiated the nice comment out of thin air or was it in response to something you said or wrote. For example (using 1 of your 3 statements)..."I hope if you have a boyfriend we will still talk, because I want to stay in contact with you" Date: Jan. 14 @ 11:00 pm. He wrote that in a text message after I said I got an email from Steven.

Once you have created your mini-timeline, see if there are any patterns regarding when and in what context he made the comments. You may not find a pattern that completely sticks out, but you will find a theme. Lets say the theme of the message patterns lead you to conclude that he said on 4 occasions that he asked you if you missed or thought about him.

Once you have a theme and the next time you speak with him say...Can I ask you a question??? and please don't take this the wrong way, but I was wondering....for some reason I have this feeling that you sometimes wonder if I miss you or think about you...Do you ever have those thoughts about me??? And then wait for his response. He is not going to know about your timeline detective experiment and he is not going to know you found that he previously either wrote or asked you "do you miss or think of me". If he answers your question honestly, he'll admit it and then you can ask why and 15 other questions. If he does not answer the question honestly and either denies or lies, that will tell you everything about his character and his motivation. So put your Sherlock Holmes hat on, get out the magnifying glass and get to some detective work. Good Luck and go get'em J!!!

Regards,
Dr. Michael Nuccitelli  

How to Have an Online Relationship

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Dr. Michael Nuccitelli

Expertise

Onling dating safety,cyber bullying, cyber stalking, cybercrime, cyber terrorism, online sexual predators, child predators, Internet safety, psychopathology, criminal & forensic psychology and cyber psychology. I cannot answer questions on the technological aspects of Information and Communications Technology.

Experience

Dr. Michael Nuccitelli is a New York State licensed psychologist and certified forensic consultant. He completed his doctoral degree in clinical psychology in 1994 from the Adler School of Professional Psychology in Chicago, Illinois. In 1997, Dr. Nuccitelli became a licensed psychologist in New York State (License # 013009.) In 2006, he received the Certified Forensic Consultant designation from the American College of Forensic Examiners (Identification # 103110.) Dr. Nuccitelli has developed a theoretical construct, iPredator, which encapsulates all online users who use Information and Communications Technology to abuse, harm, steal from or disparage other online users. His theory of iPredator is recognized by the American College of Forensic Examiners International.Dr. Nuccitelli has expertise in Online Dating Safety.

Organizations
American College of Forensic Examiners International.

Publications
The Forensic Examiner

Education/Credentials
Dr. Nuccitelli is a New York State Licensed Psychologist and certified forensic consultant designated by the American College of Forensic Examiners International.

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