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How to Have an Online Relationship/Online Dating Guy, Why won't he meet me?


I have been communicating with this guy who I met from an online dating website for over 3 months.  We talk on the phone, text, and video chat every day, usually 3 hours and sometimes up to 7 hours a day on the weekends. But he won't meet me.  He says it is because he has to be there for his family, as there was a death in the last year. We get along well and he tells me that he cares for me and has strong feelings for me, but then will say that I should go out and have fun with other guys.  He says he can't give me a definite time frame as to when he can meet, like it is something out of his control. There is this indefinable connection that I can't explain.  He is 40 years old and has never been married, and his longest relationship lasted a year. Why do you think he is unwilling to meet?

Hi Rosalie,

Oh my goodness, talking for such lengthy amounts of time for what has already been over 3 months.  Whatever he reasons may be, let us stop conjecturing and simply break things off with him.  Whatever it is that is going on, I simply define such people as "Time Wasters" rather than wasting any further time and energy pondering what is going on for him. Whatever it is that's going on with him, his behavior clearly demonstrates that he simply is a man who is not available for a real relationship.  

You live in the United States.  It is not a matter of you two living in a foreign country that does not have much civic infrastructure.  We have roads, cars, buses, trains, and airplanes.  If he really wanted to meet you, he would have done so by now.  It is in a terminal loop of hopeless hoping. Half of it is fantasy because until we know someone, our mind fills in with our ideal.  That could be the source of your feeling and "indefinable connection that I can't explain." Texting and video chatting creates a great feeling of intimacy.

Tell him, "I don't feel comfortable talking with you and giving you all this time when we have not yet had a date.  We need to meet in the next 10 days or it's time to break this off." Give him about 7-10 days on the outside to man up and meet you.  Do this by video chat.  If his response to your setting your boundary is simply more of the same, reiterate your boundary and then wrap up the conversation.

Stop giving him such free access to so much time with you without his having asked you out on a date yet. All that access is only for after a first date, not before it.

On your side, going forward with any new man...

The goal of internet dating is to meet for a first date simply to vet for in person chemistry to see if you want to move forward.  That takes about 10 days to 2 weeks.  Because people have busy lives and a possible business trip, it can take as long as 3 wks in a rare occasion.

He has acted irresponsibly to lead you on for so long to develop strong feelings for someone he has not yet even met let alone honored by taking her out.

In the future, use 10 days to 2 weeks for meeting after first contact as your guideline.

Do not give out your phone number nor agree to video chat before he has asked you out on a date.  The only reason to exchange numbers is once he has asked you out for a first date and the two of you are briefly (10-15 mins max.) to connect by phone and arrange first date logistics.  

All of the access you are granting him is an honor which he has not yet earned by his behavior.  He has not even demonstrated manly provider protector behavior as to have bought you a glass of sparkling water and sharing an appetizer with you yet, and you two have exchanged extensive person information with each other.  

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April Braswell


As seen in Dating for Dummies, 3rd edition. As a professional seminar speaker to singles about using online dating and other social media sites, I help singles to stay safe while pursuing the online soul mate in cyber dating space while in Web 2.0 world.


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As seen in Dating for Dummies, 3rd edition. CBS Radio Las Vegas GateHouse Media In Touch Weekly Boston Globe Kansas City Star Women's World

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