How to Have an Online Relationship/Online Girlfriend of Two Years Has Left Me
Dear Ms. Sonya,
My long-distance girlfriend of two years broke up with me four days ago. She was very deeply in love with me, but there were times when she thought I wasn't in love with her. I reassured her when she had these feelings, but I stopped saying "I love you" everyday and I think that may have contributed to her leaving me. She stopped feeling it.
For brief background, we started chatting on a social app and discovered that we were very far apart (I in US, her in Turkey). Regardless, we have been talking everyday for the past two years and developed a very, very strong love for one another. We have spoken on the phone and through webcam many times, as well. We grew extremely close.
So, a week or so ago she told me she started seeing me a lot in dreams, and something happened that she didn't want to tell me in the dream. Then, she kept on saying she wanted to tell me something but couldn't; eventually she just came out and said that she used to love me so much, she remembered everything about me, but now she just loved me as a friend. I didn't reply to these messages at all, and I have begun no-contact. We talked everyday for the last two years, and now it's been four days and she hasn't said a thing, nor have I.
This didn't come out of the blue; about a year ago I had doubts about my future and our future together, so I told her I loved her but I didn't think it would work out for multiple reasons, and it hurt her quite a bit. I came back to her after that regretting my decision, and we had picked up again quite nicely. However, I stopped saying all the phrases like "I love you" and "I miss you," etc., phrases she used constantly and daily. I think that because I stopped using all those phrases, she thought I didn't really love her. This, coupled with some other instances of her doubting my love, I believe, contributed to her leaving me.
Do you think she would be willing to come back after a brief period of no contact? I have realized how much she means to me and am willing to be better to her feelings with warmer words.
ANSWER: Dear Bilial,
Why were you messing around and playing with her feelings and her heart, and not doing what you know to do, to keep a good relationship going?
Communication is key to a relationship.
Why you would go "no contact" with anyone but a sociopath is beyond me.
If you loved her, I doubt you would have acted this way. She deserves someone who can return her love, and be honest and open with her, always.
If that isn't something you can do, then call her, apologize for your behavior and tell her goodbye.
If it is, then apologize, make retribution for your past actions and lack thereof, and begin again, if she will have you back. Please let me know how it ends up!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I must humbly say that I am disappointed in your assessment of the situation.
The last thing I would categorize my actions as are "messing around and playing with her feelings." On the contrary, I took a great deal of care in making the decisions I made - I was looking out for her best interest. At the time last year, I became aware of the obstacles that would prevent us from truly being able to be together, and I became hopeless as a result of them. Therefore, I thought, to spare her more pain, I would end things to let her move on with her life. However, because I loved her deeply and she reciprocated, I simply couldn't last without her and since then I've wanted to overcome the obstacles, as challenging as they may be. I never told her I didn't love her; I simply stopped saying it.
Since my decision to go without contact is beyond you, I will explain a little bit of what benefits it has. Firstly, it gives individuals time and space to assess their thoughts and emotions independently. If I constantly spoke to her after her decision, it would likely be fueled by impulsive and emotional content as opposed to rational and logical - understandably so, I was in a great deal of emotional instability.
Anyway, I learned the truth of why she left me. She didn't write the message herself, but her family forced her to send it to me. They felt, because her visa had been rejected, she would not be able to come to the United States. Her plan was to study film here, and after meeting me, she wanted to also make future plans with me here. All that came crashing down when her visa was rejected, and her family pushed her to break things off with me. She told me this only a day or so after it happened, and she told me she loves me the same as she always has and can't live without me. She was in a great deal of pain, as was I.
I appreciate your efforts, but again, I'm sorry to say I am disappointed in your assessment. It was inaccurate.
I am surprised you would write me again, then. You might have better luck with one of the other experts you can ask, to keep going until you get the answer you want, from someone else, rather than take a look at your true motives beyond any denial about what you say or why you do what you do.....
I stand by my original decision, after reading your words, even here..... Because one doesn't go "No Contact" except with a predatory personality after them. Loving couples are transparent and are mature enough up front, to meet together to discuss any obstacles to work them out together as equals. If you had done this from the beginning, you would have been in a better position now to decide what is best.
Mature individuals do not make life-changing decisions about someone they love, without full disclosure and discussing same, at length, with the other loved one. They certainly do not first think the issues are insurmountable on one's own. Then after this, to find that you want something so much, you both decide to try to work on it - not so insurmountable at all.
And your comment about love, that you felt it but "simply stopped saying it" just froze my blood. Who, in love, can do that or would ever want to? Why wouldn't you want to talk it out after "agreeing" to think on your own for awhile with a pre-agreed upon length of time to come back together?
Don't play with other people's emotions, as that is the thing that hurts the most many times - to be withdrawn from in word or deed without explanation. You owed her a truthful explanation and a time to come back to discuss. You gave her neither one.
You owe most everyone respect, and that means to fully communicate honestly with those you cherish. Life is too short to do otherwise. Cease to repeat this in the future with anyone, and stop playing games with others or yourself. Denial can rob you of years that no one can afford to lose.
You only get to go around once, and the pickings get slimmer as you age.....Be real or don't get involved with another.
And finally, you don't say that you are contacting me back while you are also packing to go be with her, the love of your life, who you are pining over, from the separation neither of you can stand to bear.
This reads like a soap opera - all the drama but it's not sounding real.
I kept reading and wondering, here, why you haven't said you are going to go rescue the damsel and tell me your success.
One could surmise that you are preferring to keep shadow boxing on line where many lurkers play, because the old saying that "actions speak louder than words" is screaming here, and my gut is very rarely wrong in such matters. It's your life. Live it WELL and in the light, not shadows.
Best to you,