About Evan Katz Expertise As the former leading dating consultant for Matchnet.com, I am pleased to answer questions about dating and internet dating from men and women of all ages. No topic is taboo and there are few things that I haven`t heard before.
Experience Founder of E-Cyrano.com, the world's first internet dating consulting firm. Author of "I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book - A Common Sense Guide to Internet Dating" (Ten Speed Press, February '04). Leading dating consultant for Matchnet.com (owners of JDate and American Singles).
Publications "I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book - A Common Sense Guide to Internet Dating" to be published by Ten Speed Press in February '04.
Education/Credentials Duke University, B.A., 1994
UCLA, M.F.A., 2004
Question What do you do when you can't get someone out of your head but you want to? I'm 35 years old and met this beautiful 30 year old woman online. We had a passionate relationship that lasted for 4 months. Problem was she annoyed me about half the time we were together. When we were alone, everything was great. She's warm, loving, insightful and made me feel good. She was so good to me. I felt very connected to her when it was the two of us together. I had passion for her I never felt for any other woman I've met in my life. (Although I've dated many gorgeous ladies!)
Irregardless, being out in public with her was a different story, she was obnoxious. She couldn't control herself, she was compelled to have to be the center of attention. She changed herself around her friends and mine and became a coquettish gossip, pushy to some people, content to drone on and on about nothing, digging around for stupid details about people she barely even knew. She was painfully aware of when she was being watched, and it's not like she even enjoyed herself - in fact, she seemed a little stressed at parties - she was driven to be "on" when we were in a social setting. If she didn't feel appreciated enough at a gathering, she'd get visibly bitter and upset on the drive home. It was pretty hit-or-miss in that some people loved her and some people hated her, and a few people actually commented to me that I belonged with someone with a little more sophistication. Shame was that her behavior just reeked of desperation and low self-esteem. I stress, she really made me want to crawl out of my skin, that's how irritating she was. She never did anything to hurt me, but I just couldn't stand it anymore. I really enjoy going out, but her public persona was so offputting, I had to end things with her. I'm certain her low self-esteem is an indication of trouble ahead. I'm marriage-minded and simply don't want a wife who is like how she is around people. I feel I did the right thing.
BUT BUT BUT I can't stop thinking about her and the good times we had. A part of me still misses her everyday. I thought it would go away over time, but it's over a month and a half now and I still think about her. What advice do you have to put all the caring feelings I still have for her in perspective? My reasons for leaving her were sound, I know that, but my heart still wants to be filled by all that I enjoyed in her. I've dated other women, and none of them can compare to how she was with me at our closest moments.
Answer Paul,
My man, you and I have had some remarkably similar experiences. I'm coming off of the closest relationship I've ever had and when I think of our great moments, I fantasize about the future that will never be. Those annoying, crawl-out-of-your-skin times undermine all the good stuff, but it doesn't make you forget it.
And now you're tortured by your fond memories, close friendship and great sex. Thing is: that's only half the relationship - and you know it. You couldn't ignore her behavior when you're out in a group before; is there any reason to think that you'd be able to now? People don't change - they can compromise, but fundamental change, if it takes place at all, is a slow, painful and generally futile process. You genuinely loved her, but by the same token, you genuinely recognized that you couldn't spend your life with her.
The second you find another woman who "does it" for you and doesn't have those socially awkward moments is the second you can get on with your life. You think you're going to meet her in 6 weeks? Come on, man. You're lucky if you meet her in 6 months. If love were easy to find, we'd all be taken.
You've clearly got a good head on your shoulders and are a man of conviction. It's easy to stay with someone for security purposes, but you identified after four months that something was majorly wrong. It still is. Painful as it might be, cut off from your ex completely - without malice - so you can forget all the warm feelings still lingering and move on successfully.
Breaking up is hard to do but it's absolutely necessary at times. You identified the problem, you found a solution. Stick to your guns and be strong. I have no doubt that in due time, it will be worth your effort.
