About Jerri Anna Waller Expertise In my life I have had very personal happenings in sexual abuse, abusive relationships, online dating, low self-esteem, promiscuity, living with a spouse, dealing with divorce and a homosexual and abusive parents. I also know a good deal about drugs, alcohol and self- mutilation all from personal recoveries. I would really like to use my experiences to help people that may be going through the same things I did. Please don`t be afraid to ask anything.
Experience I don?t have any degree in this sort of thing. All I have is life experience. My fiancé and I met online 4 years ago. We have now been dating for two and living together for one. We have a wonderful loving relationship. Online dating was what brought us together but the distance and doubt involved was one of our biggest heartaches.
Question hi,
i would like your opinion on what i should do about my present relationship with my boyfriend. we met over 1 year ago and started off as best friends. about 3 months ago i moved to a new town with him and i had never lived with him before that. he moved here to work for a family business. anyway, i've adjusted to that situation although at times it was hard for me because i don't know the area or anyone or have a job. also, he has a daughter who is 4, who is here every couple weeks. i don't have any children. he's been married 3 times and is 36. i'm 29 and have never been married.
he has always made me feel very special and loved. i was just coming out of a break up with my fiance when we met. we never really dated just hung out and i thought he was great and i realized i loved him and thought there couldn't be a better person out there. so, for the past couple of months, when we argue he gets very tempermental as he calls it. oh, and his whole point is that he believes i don't love him. he says everything he says to me and does is stemmed from him thinking i don't care. i've told him i care and that i love him. i am not the most affectionate person and he's known that since we met. i do try to show him in my own ways that i care, but he still thinks i'm not trying.
i am concerned because of the way he gets angry now. he calls me names like bitch, cunt, slut, whore, etc. also, he says i am cold hearted and that nothing matters to me and that i don't care about anything. i understand he is angry when he says this stuff and i try not to let it get to me. he also has started accusing me of wanting to sleep with and/or having sex with other people which is absolutely ridiculous. he says he's not accusing me but just saying that cause he doesn't feel loved and its something to get me to talk. i don't talk a lot, but i just feel like i close up more when he says that stuff and plus it makes me so angry i don't want to talk to him because there is nothing i can say to convince him otherwise. i have made a couple of girl friends since moving and have gone out to lunch and he was really mad because i didn't invite him. he was not even available at the time. anyway, he hits things out of my hands, slaps my hands, gets in my face and yells, tears my clothes, breaks things, throws things at me, he has hit me with his fist in the arms and legs and kicked at me. he does this thing where he puts his hand over my face really hard and i don't know what thats about. sometimes i feel cornered and i am scared of him when he is like that. i know if he wanted to he could hurt me a lot worse, but he hasn't. i've told him i thought that it is wrong for him to do that no matter how mad he is. he says i know he didn't mean it and he says he tries not to think about it and he does know its wrong. it happened again last night. i am so angry that he treats me this way. and i have a hard time being nice to him after these things happen. and he doesn't see why i can't forget it. i've suggested he talk to someone and he was going to but hasn't. he thinks we can work it out. and just to add, so that you know, we do both drink and heavily sometimes and i know that doesn't help. he has gotten angry and done things when he hasn't been drinking. he also has problems with anxiety attacks.
i also wondered and i don't know whether this has anything to do with anything, but i would appreciate your response-- when we have sex, he wants me to have sex with other guys. its his fantasy and i have said it would be a fantasy of mine too. but really, i am not the type to do that. but, i have said ok to it when i'm drunk. i feel horrible about it and i don't want to do it. he just always is asking me to do it. i've told him for me, its just not right. anyway, he likes porn and has made comments about 'thats the way i should do it'... besides that, some mornings after he drinks he will have sex with me up to 6 times in a row easily. he says its something to do with his anxiety and it helps him relax. i don't know what thats all about or if any of this has anything to do with his other behaviors.
i just need someones opinion on what i should do or what we could do to straighten this out. sorry this is so long. i needed to get it out. its not the worst situation in the world by any means, its just not pleasant. its also really embarrassing to me. please write me with any of your thoughts or advice. i would really appreciate it. thank you.
confused
Answer April,
What your husband is doing is wrong. You know that i'm sure of it. This is verbal abuse and it is physical abuse. If it is not helped it will only get worse. Abuse is a slow process not a sudden thing. It starts with name calling, soft punches in anger, pinches. It also starts with isolation. He is trying to isolate you from people in general. Moving to a new town might have just been a big part of the plan, or maybe even a catalyst. Also, the accusations he is making. That might be his own mental way of justifying what he is doing to you. If he can build up a whole scenario of cheating, he will feel more justified in treating you badly cause "You started it."
The sexual fantasys of you with another guy. This is a viable fantasy for some men. Sex is weird and kinky for some. I don't think it is for him though. It sounds more like he is trying to test your love and fidelity by preassuring you to "cheat". Just so he can be more angry when you do.
These are probably the hardest questions i get but i have to say my main advice would be to get out. Move out and back home or whatever you need to get out of the situation. Depending on what your own situation is like that may not seem possible. In that case i would suggest you offer him the "seek help or i'm out" scenario. This may seem harsh but your health is worth a broken heart and a little guilt.
There is another issue though. You have admitted you have a problem with alchol. You see it is a problem. You should really seek some help for yourself with that. It is twice as hard if he isn't willing to seek help also, but please do. Go to an AA meeting, they work.
Your situation will only get worse. You need to prepare yourself to make some VERY hard choices. Please write me at any time at Jerri_anna_m@hotmail.com Please stay in touch and maybe we could discuss what choices would be best for you and your saftey.
