AboutPamela Thomas Expertise Questions on Opera performance, repertoire, vocal technique, acting for opera. I have some 20 years experience in opera in both leading roles and chorus. I have sung with New York City Opera since 1981. I have studied voice in NYC for over 20 years and have also taught technique and coached singers in acting.
Question I am 22 years old and studying classical voice with a lovely teacher. I am
currently preparing for my college, senior recital and working with quality
coaches. The problem is, I am in a relationship with someone who is the
same age as me and already working as a professional singer. He sings with
a company in New York and is getting paid to sing major roles. I am happy
for him, but I am drowning in envy. I know I am talented, but each time he
achieves another success, it makes me think less of myself and I emphasize
my own failure and incompetence in my head. I have auditioned for the same
companies/competitions and not succeeded, but I know it is more because of
my attitude and not because of my talent. It affects our relationship in a very
negative way and it affects my mental health in a paralyzing way. How do I
get over this, go out on auditions, and find the strength to achieve success?
Answer Hi Elle,
Well, it seems you have some options here.
First of all, as a man (is your guy a tenor?) he is just going to have more opportunity than a woman would. Especially if you are a soprano (albeit a good one). The competition is fierce out there. Where is your friend singing? It's usual for a 22 year old to be singing lead roles in NYC. I'm assuming he is doing the smaller opera companies? If he's at the Met or NYCO then he must be pretty special - and that's wonderful.
Now - how to deal with the envy you are feeling. Honestly? I can suggest a few things but probably the best thing you can do for yourself if talk to a therapist about this - talking things over with a professional can be very helpful - he/she has an unbiased view and can help you sort through these feelings. I am a big believer in learning as much about myself as I can - and if I need outside help - be it a therapist, religion, meditation - whatever - I'm willing to try it.
But remember - this happens to couples all the time - so you are not alone in those feelings. My husband was a tenor - he had a beautiful voice and he had a much easier time getting hired than I did (even though I was fairly successful). But I admired his talent and was happy for him. Probably because I knew I had my own path to walk - and it was different from his.
What I think you should do is focus on yourself. Also remember that you can do a fabulous audition and not fit the costume, or you remind the auditioner of his mother, whom he hates, or any number of reasons. It could be that when they hire a tenor - the mgmt. agency makes them take the less experience soprano or mezzo... So remember - you may be signing wonderful auditions - sometimes it just takes time, luck, whatever you call it.
Your guy's success does not mean you won't have success! You have your own time and path - go talk to someone - a therapist, a pastor, your teacher, a friend! And you need to give yourself a break - be kind to yourself. So you feel envious - that's natural. We all feel a little envy when we want something so much and someone else is getting it. But you need to remember that we all have our own paths to go.
Anyway - these are just my thoughts. Doesn't make me right!
Best of luck to you - and remember why you started singing. Because you love it, right? So focus on that - focus on the love for what you are doing and it will work. You've heard the phrase - throw your heart over the fence and the body will follow!
