Panic Disorders/Attacks/anxiety please help!
I have suffered from anxiety and worry for over a year no w. It started when my boyfriend and I began to get more serious and talk about marriage. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I know that he is the one that God has for me. I know that he is the one for me, because being a Christian, I searched for Godís answer and I received the promise that this man and I would get married. Although this promise from God is my strong hold I still find myself incredibly anxious and sometimes thinking that I am not in my right mind. I feel guilty about myself almost constantly for something as simple as telling my boyfriend that I am going to watch a movie with my parents and that I will talk to him later. He understands and says that there is no need for me to feel bad that he loves me and that we can talk later. Other examples such as questions like what if, feeling guilty of being around other men, scared that the men I am around might have interest in me or that I might have interest in them, questioning whether I love my boyfriend although I know that I love him. I also question whether I miss him if he and I are away from each other even if it is a short period of time. My mind is constantly asking what if questions and I can not control it. I know that I love my boyfriend and he and I are planning on getting married once I get out of nursing school. Another thing that I might add is that my ex-boyfriend and I were very serious and we dated for nearly three years, planned on getting married and he backed out. Iím not sure if im scared that the same thing might happen here or what but all I know is that I love my boyfriend with all my heart, I want to marry him, I need help, and I feel like something might be wrong with me mentally because of my thought process. Also to add I have suffered from a chiari malformation at the base of my brain and have received brain surgery from it in 2009. I have gone to doctors to ask if the chiari malformation might be what caused my anxiety to emerge. They have all said no. I am wondering if I need to see a Christian psychiatrist. What do you think? Also do you know what is wrong with me? Please help me. I live in constant fear of losing my boyfriend somehow. Even though I believe that fear is irrational. Thank you so much.
Let me start by telling you a true story about my own sister.
She was always the under achiever at school, she was short and always over weight. He self esteem was not great and so when at 16 years of age this boy came along who I hated and thought that he treated her bad, she fell for. Now I still don't believe she loved him but she was besotted with him because he liked her. He was good looking and I think she felt that he was a catch. they were together for 10 years and during that 10 years, he treated her badly, I hated him and he and everyone knew it. Anyway after 10 years they decided to get married. They moved into their new home and within 1 year he had left her for another woman. Now I can't begin to tell you what this did to my sister, she felt worthless, she cried all the time and even said she wanted to kill herself. She constantly said that she would be alone for the rest of her life because who would want her. Fast forward a few years and she is now married to a lovely man and has two great kids.
i tell you this story because I really do feel that a lot of your anxiety is due to being let down by your previous boyfriend. When you trust someone so much and have spent time making plans and future dreams with someone, it is bound to shake your confidence.
All of these thoughts are normal for someone in an anxious state who may also have feelings of self doubt. Anxiety is a horrible thing because it can be all consuming as you say and can be difficult to see your way through to the other side.
let me say this. Anxiety is a temporary issue which you can do something about. once you are both physically and mentally relaxed your whole outlook will be different. you will have perspective on things and learn to enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend for today and not worry about things that may or may not happen and which you have no control. who can control the future.
i think you do need to seek some help. i don't think a psychiatrist should be your first port of call though. Speak to your doctor about being referred for some CBT counseling. This kind of therapy is perfect for anxiety and self confidence issues. I really think you will benefit from it.
I think subconsciously that you have issue with your own self confidence, i say this because you mentioned your brain operation. this may be a thought in the back of your mind and perceived as a weakness and is damaging your self esteem etc.
Seek some counseling, take good care of your self physically i.e. get lot of sleep and eat well, this will help you combat stress too. And don't stop talking to your boyfriend about how you feel. It sounds to me like you've got a good fella there and if he really loves you which it sounds like he does he will love you and help you through this period in your life. i should now, my guy has been with me for over 20 years and he has been with me through thick and thin.
God bless and know that you can get through this.
I have a website about stress and anxiety. It goes into more detail about what it actually is and how your body reacts to it. It also has lots of advice about how to take care of yourself so that you can cope better with what life throws at you. You may like to take a look through it.
best wishes kate