So for about 2 years now I have been self harming. I stopped as a new years resolution, and yes its been hard, but so far so good.
I hate myself.
Its as simple as that, I literally loath everything about myself. I physically can't stand being me. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, like anxiety depression, etc, because I can't tell anyone. Its a problem I have, its where I can't tell any one about my problems, I have to keep it to myself, other wise I feel weak venruable, and silly. I don't like having people worry about me. Writing this, I feel pathetic. I can't go out in public, without feeling automatically judged by everyone. I have to wear jeans and my coat everywhere, never showing any more skin than my head and hands. I have to keep my head down and not make eye contact with anyone. If I catch someone looking at me, I feel judged, it sounds so silly I know, but its worse than it sounds. My heart beats really hard, and I feel drained, like everything drops to my feet, and I can feel my heartbeat bang against my ribs literally. I feel ver very un easy, and fiddle with my hands in my pockets, and this happens every time I walk past guys, girls who are prettier than me, or people who look at me in general. Im still in school, and I feel like it here as well. I avoid taking my coat off in school, and when I do in class, I have to keep my chair tucked in and my hands around my middle. If I get asked questions in class, I get the same things, Drained, heart banging and my hands sweat really bad, I go red really REALLY easily. I avoid doing things like dance, because its bare feet, and I can't stand getting my feet out, so I get my mum almost every week to write me sick notes. I see myself as fat, I am ugly. When im with my close friends, I feel at ease ish. I still feel insecure about my looks, but I can be a total weirdo around them and not care, they accept me for who I am, but its around everyone else I feel the need to 'inmpress' If I get a question wrong in class, I beat myself up about it. Like pinch myself under the table as punishment, and go really red, and avoid answering anything else that day. I wouldn't class myself as shy, because I can be a right loud mouth when I want to be and just let go, but when im around new people or out in public I just close up completely. I get affected by the slightest comments, for example my friend said to me the other day, im not skinny, but not fat, and as stupid as it sounds, I felt offended. I know she didn't mean to and she wasn't trying to offend me, but it really did, and its over stupid things like that. I spend hours in the mirror trying to look 'good' and some days when I think I do, I go out in public and all confidence is lost. I can't go to parties. I sit down almost everytime, as I feel judged and people laugh at me when I dance. Im finding myself close up more and more, and the things I use to enjoy like school work, getting grades challenges, are all slowly becoming things I hate and I can't stop it. I dread going to school or out, where as before i'd love it, I feel mental, and its scaring me. I worry about my health a hell of a lot. It just takes me to get an unusual shooting pain somewhere or a head ache, and I think I have a deadly life threatning condition, and im dying. I lose sleep because of the worry. Its constant. I worry im going to become mental, then I worry more as my mind runs off with everything else. I can't go caving for example, because even thought the one me and my family are going to is completely safe, railings, ropes, gifts shops under it, I still think something bads going to happen, like it will collapse, i'll get stuck in, can't get out and die. I am just constantly worrying, and on top of everything else, its a complete weight and drag. Like I said, I cant tell anyone so could you help me in ways to stop feeling like this please.
I want to tell you that,I am very Proud of you for emailing me and, I can tell by your email you are a very caring person. The problems that you are having Can go away. But, Not without the help of an adult.
I can not sit here and tell you that you are worried for nothing and things will get better on there own. It is much deeper than that.
It is hard being in school and being young. This world has a lot of Drama in it and some how it has managed to drag you into it.
I am a straight shooter. I do not BS you around.
You need the help of an adult. NOW!
You need to talk to someone as soon as you can. NOT a friend...An Adult Only!
You are smart enough to know that if you keep going down this road, you will be in some severe trouble and it may not be a pretty sight.
This is going to be Short and Sweet!
GET THE HELP YOU ARE CRYING OUT FOR!
If I was there to talk to you, I would want you to go somewhere and get some Intense therapy...Why???
So you would be there to smile at me this next Christmas.
Sometimes we feel like there is no way out....BUT, there is!
You need to find an adult that you trust and talk to them. Please do not let your friends influence you. You will be found out sooner or later as you keep hurting yourself.
But, you know that.
You are smart or you would not have written this email to me.
Please, get some help and see Life from a totally different view. You need to get attention in a Positive way.
Your friends will come and go but, you need to take care of YOU!
I am here if you need me.