AboutCathy Bailey Expertise I can answer questions on dealing with the difficult behavior of babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school children and teenagers.
I can also help with issues such as bed wetting, head lice, thumb sucking and other childhood concerns.
I can offer advice on children and homework, communicating with your child’s teacher and coping with bullying, amongst other school issues.
If there is a parenting issue I can’t answer, I am honest about it, and try my best to refer the questioner to somewhere where they can find an answer.
I am the author of www.parents-in-a-pickle.com a website dedicated to helping parents deal with challenging and difficult behavior.
Experience I am a mother of two boys, aged 13 and 7. My husband and I have fostered various children and we have adopted one (the 7 year old).
I have been a teacher since 1991, both in secondary schools, and now in a primary school.
I have run various language clubs in nurseries, teaching French and Spanish through games, songs and other fun activities.
Education/Credentials I have a BA Honors Degree from London University in French and Spanish, and a P.G.C.E. (teaching qualification) from Cambridge University.
Expert: Cathy Bailey Date: 7/4/2008 Subject: 5 yr old problem
Question Hi,
My 5 year old is really getting to me. I am trying to understand his problem so I can "change" my ways but it isn't helping.
He is usually a happy little guy but he tends to get into these "moods" or cycles that I have a hard time dealing with.
I get the impression that he is trying to lash out at us to get "something" but nothing I try seems to work.
He will gladly get ready to go to babysitter, yet when he gets there, he is clingy and cries. When I pick him up, he is happily playing and chatty.
When I get him home, then the fun begins. He yells, throws things and talks back. Won't eat properly, won't respond to one on one attention, wants his way even if it is not something we can do at the time. It is totally disrupting our evenings to the point where other family members can't take it.
It is not restricted to one babysitter either. He did this with 3 previous ones plus in pre-school too. On week ends, he gets bored and wants his friends.
I sense there is something he is not understanding. I have tried explaining and being sensitive but now I am wondering if it isn't just a control thing. He actually stands there and yells like a lion at me.
Please give me your thoughts.
Answer Hi Brenda
There are 2 issues here: the babysitter and his behavior at home.
His behavior when you take him to the babysitter is completely normal and all children go through this. It is called separation anxiety and usually only lasts a few minutes at the time the parent leaves. However happy the child is with the carer, it will always seem a big deal to see the parent leave them. Don't worry, continue as normal, and he will grow out of it.
The behavior at home is equally normal, but needs to be stopped for all your sakes. Your son is lacking boundaries and is having temper tantrums to get his own way. Strangely, this is not just making the rest of the family unhappy, it will actually be making him unhappy too, because children need boundaries for their own sense of security as well. They need to know that their parents can control them.
I suggest a behavior chart. You can download one for free off my website or make your own. Think of 2 or 3 main rules or targets you feel are the most important. Think of what it is you try to get him to do which he always responds badly to, such as getting ready for bed. Make this a target (e.g. getting ready for bed sensibly with no fuss) and tick off each day that he does this well.
Meanwhile plan a really special treat for him at the weekend if he has achieved his targets the number of times you feel is reasonable (don't expect perfection, allow for some crosses on the chart). Make the treat something that he really wants, such as a meal out in a favorite restaurant, a friend round to play, a special outing etc.
If he doesn't achieve his targets, show him how close he got and start again the next week. There is no need to punish him as not getting the treat is punishment enough.
You may find he responds straight away to this system, or it may take a little longer, but it will work in the end if you chose the right treat as an incentive and if you are patient but firm with him.
You will find advice on dealing with temper tantrums and separation anxiety as well as the free downloads on my site. Take a look at http://www.parents-in-a-pickle.com
