Expert: Angie Wilcock - 10/28/2009

Question
Hi ! My 6 year old son just started kindergarten, it has been a smooth adjustment since he had been going to daycare the last three years. In the first few weeks of school the teacher started expressing how she felt my son could not keep his focus or follow through with the activities they were given. She added that although he is quiet and well behaved in class he will not finish his work unless she is on top of him. He has since improved, but still drifts off at times. The major problem nos is that I have had two complaints from the teacher saying he has hit other kids. It was a shock to my husband and I, and she even admitted it didn't seem like him to do it. But he did, and both the teacher and us tried talking to him about why and all we get is I don't know. We have tried to ask him if anyone is bullying him, or anything like that and he always says no. We have asked him if he is frustrated (in 6 year old terms) with his school work, playing normally. As he was sort of hopping along she saw him spot another little boy, that wasn't even looking, and my son went over to punch him in the stomach!!! We are at a loss, we do not understand why this is happening, and we are unable to get more than "I don't know" out of him. Any suggestions?

Answer
Hi Monica,

Firstly, in terms of your son having a little trouble staying on task and completing activities - this is not uncommon for 5 and 6 year olds! Their level of maturity is such that they can switch off quite quickly, particularly when they have been asked to do an activity they are not really interested in doing. They really don't understand that this is a 'learning' activity - they just see it for what it is...'fun' or 'not fun'...and if it's 'not fun', it can be quite difficult to keep them on track. Surely his teacher has strategies other than simply 'standing over him' to encourage him to finish it? I would think that, particularly with young children, there would be some kind of reward or encouragement system in place in the classroom - you certainly need something in place for kids this age!

As far as his 'hitting out' behaviour - I am not sure why this has started. If he is a quiet boy and quite passive by nature, then obviously something is troubling him enough to make him feel frustrated and want to 'hit out' at someone. You might need to have a chat with the teacher and come to an agreement on how you can work together to find out what's causing this behaviour  - if he is telling you he doesn't know why he does it, then there might be an underlying worry that he isn't even aware of himself.

Has he made a circle of friends yet? If not, he may be trying to get attention (obviously in a negative way, but often kids don't think about the KIND of attention they are getting, as long as they get it!)He may be frustrated by the fact that he feels the teacher is standing over him and watching him do his work all the time - he may feel he doesn't get the same 'space' as the other kids and he is tired of being in trouble for not finishing his work.

I really think you need to speak with the teacher and ask her to monitor his behaviour in the classrooom and in the playground, just to see if she can identify what the 'trigger' for his behaviour might be. Does he 'hit out' after he has had a bad morning and been in trouble for not finishing his work? Is someone he is trying to make friends with ignoring him? There could be any number of reasons and 'triggers' - you just have to spend the time and work with the teacher to find out what it is.

Good luck and let me know how you go