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Parenting K-6 Kids/12yo nephew caught giving 8yo son oral sex

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Question
Hello,
    I allowed my 12yo nephew to spend the night with my son over the weekend. When I opened my sons door to tell him it was time for bed I was astounded to see my nephew naked and ontop of my also naked son. Both were instructed to get up, get dressed and were separated. While talking to my son I was told my nephew had wanted to recreate a scene from a movie he had seen and then instructed my son to "hump" him and was taught how. Then I was told when that wasn't what my nephew thought it would be then the idea was giving my child oral sex. Both were separated until my sister arrived to pick her child up. I do not want to scare my child into never wanting to fulfill his sexual urges and my nephew denies any of this was his idea. The fact is it happened and now I'm wondering where do I go with it. Both are good children with otherwise no problems. What should my course of action be to insure this never happens again?

Answer
Hi Kristi,
First, you're right not to overreact. While 12 is a little old for sex play, it's not too old for curiosity. This is the time you talk about what's okay and not okay in a calm matter. There are books to talk about this stuff, but basically you need to tell him that he can't touch other people in private areas and they shouldn't touch him. And he needs to let you know if someone wants to touch him or wants him to touch them.

At the same, let him know the feelings (emotional and physical) are normal, but that his  bodies is his own. It's like how you don't pick your nose in public. It's one thing to do it when you're alone and no one is watching, but you don't do to or in front of others. At least not when you're 8 or 12.

I would suspect that the 12 year old is the perpetrator, and I would discuss this with your sister. Don't be blaming or accusatory. Acknowledge that 12 year olds are curious, but at the same, he's not old enough to watch adult content. And it's possible that someone has done this to him, in which case I would think your sister would want to make sure he's safe from whomever might be exposing him (to the movie) or touching him.

Leslie Truex, MSW

Parenting K-6 Kids

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Leslie Truex

Expertise

I am a parent of two, but also I'm a social worker with over 15 year experience working with children and families. I can provide many tips and techniques to help with child behavior, interventions for specific behavioral issues, ideas to help children through difficult times such as divorce or grief, hints on keeping the family running smoothly, and tips for developing confident, happy children.

Experience

I have a master's in social work and over 15 years experience working with children and families. I have worked in schools, public health, mental health and adoption agencies providing parent education courses and children's groups.

Education/Credentials
BA in Psychology and MSW.

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