Expert: MaryAnn F. Kohl - 9/28/2006

Question
My five year old in constantly in trouble at school. He talks, he doesn't sit still. Everyday I am getting notes sent home from his teacher about his behavior. For about 3 or 4 days in a row, he did really well but things are back to normal. I've tried spankings, time outs, taking away toys and his computer time, nothing seems to be working. I don't have as many problems with him at home as I do at school but, we do have problems at home with as well. I am at my wits end because he is a bright kid but his teacher feels that he's not mature enough to enter the first grade.  

Answer
Here is an answer I just gave another mom with similar problems. I hope you won't mind if I copy and paste it below, which I will do after a few other comments.

You son may need some very close positive attention at home, for example, a long story time at bedtime or after school, wher eyou read to him without fail every day or night. (day AND night, if possible). I've seen this work wonders.  Also, you might try some very physical playtime with you, where you wrestle and maybe kick a ball around outside. Many kids with behavioral issues also can need physical time, or they are lacking really hard play time. In addition, if there is no dad in his life, he needs someone male to rough house and discipline him strongly. Men offer little boys something we women can NOT.

Is he in kindergarten? Many kindergartens have become very regimented these days, like first grades used to be, where the kids sit and do desk work much of the day. This can be VERY hard on little boys (and completely  NORMAL) who are not ready for the sitting and being quiet all day. My guess is he would benefit from being held back a year, but my further guess is that this is not the root of the problem.

Look at:
food
sleep
level of activity
some time with mom or dad that is special each day

Now, I will copy the other person's answer, but it doesn't fully apply to you because her child is in daycare, not school. Maybe some of it will help, though. Please feel free to write to me again privately at maryann@brightring.com if you wish to continue talking about your son, so that I may help if possible.

Sincerely,
MaryAnn
Kohl
maryann@brightring.com
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copy of other response:

Hello, Vickey.

Your description of your son and his life painted a picture for me that is very clear. This is what comes through to me: He does not way to be away from you, and he sees the new baby taking his place which makes things even worse for him. He's feeling lost and like he is 'out of control', that his pararmeters are much to wide and frightening.

Is it possible to find a babysitter or share care with a friend in a more 'home-like' setting? Daycares are not 'natural' for very young children. No mommy, no private places to cry or rest, and much regimented time that most five year olds do not find normal. True, most five year olds will go with the flow, but the only really normal situation is home with mom. But it appears it is not possible for him to be with you until he's ready for the big world. I simply suggest some very low key kind of childcare where he doesn't feel so alone and lost.

Also, if possible, you must make very special time for him when the baby is in bed or playing, where he is your sole purpose for your happiness...that he, where he is your focus of all your adoration and attention. I will be honest: it is very hard on a child to be with a single mom and also have a new baby arrive. Most older kids have a dad to pick up the slack.

Can you have a parent or relative or good friend (female) move in with you and help out? Or if not move in, help with childcare? Your little guy needs stability, and sending him off into the big world of childcare is just too much for him right now....of course, this is only an opinion. I don't really know this is exactly true. But based on your letter, I'm giving you my gut reaction.

You are very right about negative attention. He gets tremendous satisfaction from it, even if it hurts. There are books and books written about how this Below I have listed some books that will help you. After you read one or two, please make an appointment with your pediatrician to talk things over, and also, be sure your sone does not have any allergies, because allergies can cause everything that is going on right now.

In addition, you must be diligent and see to it that he has a strictly regular bedtime (with a good bedtime story EVERY night), and that he eats a  healthy breakfast with plenty of protein (eggs, cottage cheese, or peanut butter) or good carbohydrates (quality whole oatmeal or whole grain cereal). Food can really calm kids down when that food is good healthy food, and not manufactured chemically altered food ( never never lunchables!!!).

These books are available at Amazon.com, or your local librarY:

How to Handle a Hard-To-Handle Kid: A Parent's Guide to Understanding and Changing Problem Behaviors by C. Drew Edwards $10.85

The 5 Steps to Changing Disturbing Behavior: Stand Up to Your Children and Help Them Grow (DVD) $19.99   

The Baffled Parent's Guide to Stopping Bad Behavior by Kate Kelly (Paperback - May 9, 2003) $14.95

The Brat Stops Here!: 5 Weeks (or Less) to No More Tantrums, Arguing, or Bad Behavior by Mary-Elaine Jacobsen (Paperback - Jan 24, 2006)   $13.95

If you would like to chat more, please write to me at
maryann@brightring.com

However, I am not a behavior specialist by any means. I'm just a mom/educator/ teacher who has been around the block a few times and seen it all. I don't have all the answers, but I do get strong feelings of how to help.

I hope this letter has been of some help to you.
Let me know how things go....

My best to you, sincerely,
MaryAnn
Kohl
maryann@brightring.com