Expert: Leslie Truex - 12/11/2006

Question
I am writing today, because I am not sure what to do anymore. My son is 5 years old and goes to kindergarten. Before he started at elementary school he went to daycare for 3 years.  Ever since he was about 3 or so we have had behavior issues with him. I don't consider them major ones,but bothersome none the less.

His current teacher is complaining about things like, him not listening, getting out of his seat during work time, not doing his work, distracting all of the other children, talking back, being disruptive during learning time, not following directions, etc. These are issues that I have become very familiar with, as he has had them pretty much the entire time he has been in school or daycare.
We just moved to a new state about 2 months ago, and I know that he requires some adjustment time, but as I stated before, this is not something that has just started. It has been going on for quite a few years.
We have tried to talk with him about it. We have tried positive reinforcement/rewards, and well as negative. NOTHING seems to be getting thru..
He is a VERY hyper active child by nature, we have had him tested for ADD in the past. He is not ADD, just very hyper. When he wants to focus on something, he does an amazing job!! But how do I get him to understand that school time is for learning, not or playing?
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though I am failing as a parent. Do you have ANY suggestions that will help? Thank you!!
Amanda


Answer
Hi Amanda,
There are a couple possible scenarios. The first may be that your son isn't ready socially for school. Many parents are waiting until their sons are 6 before entering in them in school so they have the social skills they need to succeed.

The other could be ADHD. If your son is ADHD, the school would likely be required to develop an educational plan for him thereby becoming a part of the solution. You can have the school test him or take him to an outside psychiatrist. You don't necessarily need to medicate him (that would depend on the doctor and you), but if he did have ADHD you would be able to get tips and help in dealing with it and the school would likely need to develop a plan (as mentioned). Plus, children can't help it when they have ADHD. Its like all neurons are firing all the time. Usually they want to be good, but they can't. Knowing this can help him too.

Finally, a parent education class may help you with the behavior. Many parents tell me they have tried this or that, but too often parenting techniques are not implemented correctly or given time to work. Kids cannot be expected to hear a rule or get a punishment once and then be good for ever. Even adults break the rules all the time (speeding) and they absolutely should know better. They'll even speed after getting a ticket!!! So why should we expect our children to do better?

A parenting class will take you step by step through the techniques so you can see how it should work and how to respond to your child's actions. It can also provide you with support.

Also, some children are just more difficult than others. I attribute this to temperament. There is a good book about this called "The Difficult Child" by Stanley Tereki.

Leslie Truex