AboutLeslie Truex Expertise I am a parent of two, but also I'm a social worker with over 15 year experience working with children and families. I can provide many tips and techniques to help with child behavior, interventions for specific behavioral issues, ideas to help children through difficult times such as divorce or grief, hints on keeping the family running smoothly, and tips for developing confident, happy children.
Experience I have a master's in social work and over 15 years experience working with children and families. I have worked in schools, public health, mental health and adoption agencies providing parent education courses and children's groups.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...
-----Question-----I have not been able to think of an appropriate
"consequence" because she is so young. We do not believe in spanking and
grounding doesn't work and - again - she is so young. I guess the real
question is, what IS and appropriate consequence for someone her age?
And the food smuggling is not a hording issue, and could very well be my
idiosyncrasies getting in the way. However, what would be an appropriate
consequence for that? I though about just saying, "Food is eaten in the
kitchen only" and then so from there if it is taken elsewhere. What do you
think?
And thank you for your quick response!
My five year old daughter is recently repeating behavior she knows I do not
wish her to do - i.e., she takes out all the clothes in her closet and/or her
brother's closet and lies them on the bed or just plays "clothes store" with
them. First time, it was cute. Second time, not so cute and twice and long to
put everything away. Third time, I'm ready to sell her on Ebay. Kidding.
However, she has also taken to saying she has "forgotten" that this is not an
option in our house. Additionally, she is sneaking food which really concerns
me. We have a fairly open house - ask and we will discuss your need or want
and see what's a good reponse. The not listening (or "remembering"),
sneaking food is difficult for me to discipline for. Do I discipline for them and
if so, how? It's hard to have positive discipline here because I'm not going to
say, "Great job for not sneaking food in here today" because it's kind of like
saying, "Great job for not bonking your brother on the head today."
Or am I over thinking this because I'm so sick of it?
-----Answer-----
Hi Kerrie,
Well, there are a couple of things to consider here. First of all, little kids really
do forget...or at least don't always have the brain development to remember
in time...kids are impulsive by nature. The truth is, expecting kids to
remember and adhere to rules 100 percent of the time
after the first try is unreasonable. Adults absolutely know that speeding is
against the rules, yet most do it every day...even after they get a ticket. Its
not fair to expect children to do better than an adult. That's not to say you
shouldn't expect them to follow rules. You just have to remember that it can
take time and you need to be clear and consistant.
With that said, if you have good consequences for "forgetting", then she'll
learn to obey, just like if adults got a ticket every time they sped, they'd stop
speeding. So what is the consequence for pulling out her clothes? Is she
required to put them back when she'd done with them? If she doesn't put
them away, is she not allowed to do ANYTHING else until they are put away?
Have you threatened to pack them up and give them away? (BTW, don't
threaten this unless you intend to follow through otherwise you'll undermine
your credibility).
Food sneaking could be the sign of something of concern or it just could be
nothing. What is she sneaking? Cookies? What is the consequence for that?
Again, a good logical consequence will extinguish the behavior, not on the
first try, but over time as she learns that you mean business.
But, when she takes this food, is it a lot of food? Does she "store" it or hoard
it? That could be a sign of something more serious and you should see a
doctor or counselor.
My favorite parenting book is "How to Talk to Kids so They'll Listen and How
to Listen so Kids will Talk". I highly recommend you get this book because
not only does it offer great tips for interventions, but they are interventions
that teach your kids about being responsible, making restitution, and making
better choices which is what discipline is all about.
Leslie Truex
Answer Hi Kerrie,
Consequences are not a 'one size fits all' sort of thing. You need to take into account her age, what would make an impression, and what the infraction is. The more natural or logical you can make the consequence, the more likely she'll understand and learn. So for the clothing issue, making her pick them up or even wash them would be a logical consequence. She'd need some supervision on the washing thing. And in either case, you'd need to expect that her effort will be less than perfect as folding and putting away is harder for a 5 year old. But it would be long, tedious process and likely make her thing again before taking her clothes out.
The issue of the food depends on what your concern is. If she's getting food on your furniture, then yes, saying she can only eat in the kitchen would be a good rule. But, if its the sneaking, and not the food per se, then you'll want to so something different. Sneaking doesn't really have a natural or logical consequence so you'd need to make up something such as time out or not being able to watch TV or play on the computer. The idea is to pick something she LOVES and not let her do it as a punishment. For a 5 year old, time out should be 5 minutes. Done correctly, she sits quietly the entire time (time starts over if she asks "how much longer" or fusses etc). When she gets out of time out, ask her if she knows why she's in time out and what she can do different next time. Most parents who tell me time out doesn't work, don't do it right. You must have the 5 minutes with out fussing AND asking the questions (that part is the learning and problem solving part).
Losing a privilege should only be for an evening for a little kid. You don't want to have a time out or loss of privilege to be so long that they forget why they got in trouble in the first place.
Get the book I mentioned. I also like Jo Frost (Supernanny) book, and 1-2-3 Magic for parenting tips.
