Expert: Evelyn Petersen - 7/23/2006

Question
My 6 yr old son backtalks, be's a smart alec argues with adults and tells them what to do.  This isn't new he has been doing this for a while and we have tried everything we could think of to get him to stop.  

Somewhere along the way my boyfriend (his father) thought that he couldn't be doing all the bad stuff I said he was and he didn't like me punishing him for it so he would yell at me.

My son has gotten a lot worse real quick when we made him go to the store he yelled at me, pushed his sister into another customer, did things I told him not to do and then yelled that he's doing it, he hit my new car, he ran off, and then when I made him come back and walk with us he kicked me which is new.

He now not only tells off, backtalks, argues and be's a smart alec to family, but he has started doing it to his doctor, the neighbor and any other adult that he wants too.

When we send him to the corner he hits and kicks whatever is infront of him, and yells, cries and ask to get out the whole time he is in there (old behavior)

Through a lot of talking between my boyfriend and I he is now backing me up more and we are trying that he punishes him more than I do so he sees that Daddy wont put up with it anymore either.

Please tell us what we need to be doing to get our son to where he doesn't act like this.  I know he can be good when he wants to be but its not very often.

Oh, we have also been through 7 babysitters in 4 months 5 of them quit because he was too much for them to handle and now Daddy is staying home with them until school starts again and we wont need a babysitter to watch him.

But we really do need help or advice on how to get him on the right track.  I don't know how much longer I can take of him always being so bad it really makes it hard to do special things with him and the other kids because we don't want to exclude him from things like that and make him feel left out.  Please help us be a happy family again with our son.

Sincerely,

Cynthia

Answer
Dear Cynthia,
i am glad Daddy is home with him to see the behavior and deal with it.  Perhaps this will give you both some insight on the behavior.  Ask yourself what triggers it, if anything, and if it occurs more with you than with Daddy.

Then the two of you need to sit down and make a plan to deal with this as a united team.  Make a short list of rules for the house and your son.  Then have a planned ahead meeting with him after supper one night when you have time to talk calmly, and explain to him that it is in his own best interest, long term, to learn better behavior and that you have a plan to help him do this.  

Explain that better behavior will help him in school, and with friends and later on when he has a job and lives on his own.  Good behavior and manners are life skills he needs.  Tell him he is going to help with your plan.

Lay out the rules and ask him if there are any you forgot.  Then have him help make the list of consequences that will happen if he breaks a rule.  Get his input; he is old enough to do this.  Consequences should be meaningful and logical, and time outs are usually ineffective; consequences should relate to the broken rule.  Even though he gives input, you have the final decisions on consequences.  

After you have the written rules and consequences, everyone should sign the paper.  Say you will try it out for a week and meet again to see if it is working or needs adjusting.

MOST IMPORTANT, before you end your meeting, tell him the things you like about him and the things you hope he will do more often.  Make a promise to yourself to do better on praising him for good behavior.  Praise was not mentioned in your letter, and with most children praise is much more important than punishment in motivating them to change from bad to good behavior.

By the way, time outs are useless with a six year old unless the child tells you what he did that was wrong and that he will try not to do it again BEFORE you let him leave the time out area.   Good luck  Evelyn www.askevelyn.com