Expert: Evelyn Petersen - 10/20/2006

Question
HI,MY BOYFRIEND AND I ARE EXPECTING A BABY BOY IN FEBURARY.I HAVE A 6 YEAR OLD SON AND HE HAS A 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. RIGHT NOW WE ARE LIVING IN SEPERATE HOUSES. WE ARE PLANNING TO MOVE IN TOGETHER BUT CAN ONLY AFFORD A 3 BDROOM APARTMENT. HE FEELS AS THOUGH HIS DAUGHTER SHOULD HAVE HER OWN ROOM AND I FEEL MY SON SHOULD HAVE HIS OWN ROOM.THE BABY WILL STAY IN OUR ROOM AT FIRST BUT SOON WILL HAVE TO SHARE A ROOM WITH ONE OF THEM. MY BOYFRIENDS DAUGHTER LIVES WITH HER MOM BUT VISITS MY BOYFRIEND EVERYOTHER WEEKEND AND EVERY WEDNESDAY. MY SON LIVES WITH ME AND VISITS HIS DAD ON THE WEEKENDS.IT TURNS OUT THAT HE HAS HIS DAUGHTER 8 DAYS OUT OF THE MONTH AND I HAVE MY SON 16 DAYS. HE FEELS THAT BECAUSE THE NEWBORN IS GOING TO BE A BOY HE SHOULD AUTOMATICALLY SHARE A ROOM WITH MY SON. I DONT FEEL THE SAME. I FEEL AS THOUGH MY SONS FULL TIME HOME IS WITH ME. HIS DAUGHTERS FULL TIME HOME IS WITH HER MOM. I LOVE HIS DAUGHTER BUT I DONT SEE DISRUPTING MY SONS LIFESTYLE(SLEEP AND SCHOOL)WHEN HIS DAUGHTER WILL ONLY BE WITH US 8 DAYS OUT OF THE MONTH. I KNOW IT WILL BE DIFFUCULT ON BOTH KIDS BUT I FEEL LIKE MY SON WILL BE MAKING THE BIGGER CHANGEBY MOVING AND ADJUSTING AND I FEEL LIKE STICKING HIM WITH A BABY AT HIS AGE WILL JUST MAKE THINGS WORSE. WHERE AS I DONT SEE HOW HIS DAUGHTER WILL BE VERY AFFECTED? SO MY QUESTION IS WHO'S ROOM DO YOU THINK THE BABY SHOULD BE IN?  

Answer
Hi Cris
First, I agree that your son, who lives with you 16 days as opposed to 8 days, should have his own room.  But the daughter could have the new baby's room until the baby arrives if you put in a simple daybed that would look nice and be useful in that room anyway, even after the baby arrives.  

In fact, if the baby is your your room for the first month or so, that will give you even more time to plan a special place for the daughter...starting now that would be about 6 months.  

If the son and daughter are actually there in your home at the same time, it would not work well to have them share a room.  (Otherwise they could take turns in the bedroom which would then be a "guest room")  But if that would not work, you need to start to plan a space for her now.  

There are many wonderful couches that open in to really nice beds now...even love seats, which are easier to manage than the full or queen sized sofas.  The new sofabed mattresses are great now, and can even be improved with memory foam toppers. (cheaper to get if it's twin size which fits a love seat size sofabed)  

In addition, the baby needs very little in the way of furniture, so you could get her a corner desk or storage unit to put into the baby's room for just her own "stuff" that she might bring with her or leave there.  

In the closet, create storage for her in the form of drawers either built in permanently or plastic ones stacked and on wheels that fit in closets) Of course all her hanging things could be in the baby's closet, which would not be used for the baby at all for years.  

She could feel special if she has her own space in that room and decorates the room with you in ways to look cheerful and lovely, and not just "baby like"  Get her involved a little in that decorating.  She may even feel more like a big sister with this arrangement.  

When the baby leaves your room she would be able to use the room for her stuff and hanging clothes, but just sleep in the living room on the "guest" couch.  (The TV is probably in there, as well as radio or music)  It will all work out just fine.  

And in 5-10 years when she is a teen and the baby needs his own space, you will have enough money for a bigger place with at least a real "den" that could be a real guest room.  Remember to think of the daughter with ample storage in mind that is practical and usable for any purposes.  Good luck Evelyn  www.askevelyn.com