Expert: Leslie Truex - 1/4/2007

Question
My 5 yr old son is stressing me out. He lies, he STARTED stealing stuff at child care, I have tried taking everything away, grounding and spankings.  I am at the end of my rope with him and need some suggestions. I am the strict mommy and my husband does not make him mind. What can I do? Please Help  

Answer
Hi Angela,
There could be a couple of things that are creating trouble. First, while you are strict, your interventions aren't doing what discipline is supposed to do which is teach. It could be that you are so strict that its completely infective. Odd I know. But when have nothing and can do nothing, there seems to be little to work towards. Find the one thing that does matter to him, and use that such as no TV for that day. I won't tell you not to spank, but I'll tell you its not very effective particularly with lying and stealing.

Also, remember he's only five. I often hear "He should know better." Sure, we all should. That doesn't stop adults from driving over the speed limit or taking longer breaks on their jobs...even though they should know better. Children are the same in that they'll take all they can get away with. They will need to be told more than once and often they'll need a consequence more than once.

I need to know more about the stealing to know if its a real problem. Its not unusual for 5 or 6 years to steal, but its usually not malicious. Its more like, "That looks neat" and then picking it up. The same is true of lying. You definitely need to get a handle on it, but don't necessarily make a huge deal out of it now as it may pass as a phase.

I'm wondering how the day care lady has handled it? I'm a big believer that if a consequence has been delivered for an infraction, then its done. So, if she punished him, then it should be over. You can tell him its wrong to lie and steal and back up the daycare lady's decision to punish him, but don't punish him again a second time UNLESS you have set up in ADVANCE that he will be punished if you hear he did something wrong at daycare.

Finally, you and your husband NEED to get on the same page. Nothing kills the effectiveness of discipline than inconsistency and parents who don't agree. I recommend you both find a good parent education group. That way you can both learn new skills and your husband can learn how he's doing more harm that good by being lax.

Leslie Truex