Expert: Leslie Truex - 11/15/2006

Question
Thank you...very insightful...our son is actually ahead in Math and Reading which is how we keep him from being bored.  But he has self reported recently that he is bored at school.  His teacher has been great about getting him motivated and excited about first grade again.  

Yesterday was a prime example of him wanting to play outside--beautiful day, but he had to do Kumon, homework, work on a science project and go to bball  practice.  I felt horrible making that decision for him.  

I appreciate your help and guidance...we just had him tested (cognitive and achievement) so we can really know what we are dealing with...and also so we can help the school with him.  

I do feel like I have lost touch with him and some of our best times are days off from school and activities...However, we struggle with our philosophy that he needs to do this, and this and this to be prepared for life...never mind we did not do these things and have been very well prepared for life....sometimes having resources to do whatever you can for your kids has you farming them out when they should be held close...but I digress....Thanks  so much for your help and advice...TJ
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Our seven year old son is very bright.  He is very smart in reading and math.  He is also very good at video games and loves sports.  He is a good drama student and sings well.  However, he tends to lack the interest in doing things well on his own. He does his projects for school halfway, writes halfway most times --he is a lefty, quickly finishes work he thinks is easy and makes silly mistakes.  He is active after school and does kumon daily.  He hates kumon.  However, it keeps him focused.  He seems to not to appreciate things that he does and he does not tend to take pride in doing things well.  He never liked to color or do other things like build with legos, etc.  He is an only child, but we are expecting another one now.  My husband is frustrated and I am disappointed because I think somehow I have sent him the message that completing something is more important than actually doing the task.  He does chess (all year), basketball (or football depending on the season), tennis (all year), sometimes golf during the week and then kumon daily.  In addition, we are active in community groups that meet monthly.  I think he is busy, but he wants to do so much.  How can we get him motivated to do his best at what he is doing?  Thanks!
-----Answer-----
Hi Teresa,

School
Kumon
Drama/music
chess
basketball/football
tennis
golf
community group...

Your son is very busy and he may be over scheduled. Its not uncommon for overly scheduled kids to have low attention or focus because they aren't usually challenged to figure out how to entertain themselves. If they wait long enough, they're off to the next thing.

It also appears that he sticks with some things like sports, but not with activities that involve fine motor skills. You indicate he's smart in reading and math, but send him to Kumon. Is that because he's not performing to his ability? Does that mean that his lack of attention to his studies is effecting his work?

I'm not sure where the answer lies, but here's what I would suggest as a start:

1) At a calm time, perhaps when you're out having fun, try to find out, in a subtle (no interrogating) way how he feels about his life? If he could do anything what would that be? If he could only to 2 activities, which two would they be? How does he feel about school (bored, frustrated etc). Also, pay attention to his affect when you take him to activities. Which activities can you see real joy and which are chores.

2) Does he play? Parents today have really been mislead about "enrichment". Kids learn a great deal through free play. We know crawling stimulates stuff needed later in reading. Music does the same for math. But we are so focused on having each moment be a "learning" moment, we forget that kids have natural learning inside them. They dig in the dirt to learn about bugs etc. They watch, they test, and learn. Its actually very interesting to watch children in free play. You can learn a lot about how they perceive the world.
I would look at the schedule and make sure he has time to play. And this would be not just computer and certainly not legos if he doesn't like them. Perhaps it will be with friends or to the park.

3) With a baby coming, it seems like it will be really stressful to keep all the activities. It may be a good time to cut back. I allow my kids 2 activities at time. They have limits on tv and computer so they are forced to do free play (can you imagine that?). If he is in Kumon related to his grades, help him set goals to get out of it. Tell him that if he pays attention and improves his grades, he won't have to go. Or maybe he'll like the Kumon if every other moment isn't scheduled.

Basically, from where I'm sitting, it looks like your son needs some free time. That doesn't mean enriching activities are bad. He just doesn't need them every minute of the day. Giving your son some free time will allow him to discover himself, his interests, and have fun. And that can go along way to help him.

Leslie Truex

Answer
Hi Teresa,
You're welcome. I do understand your dilemma. Its a struggle many parents of this generation are going through. Unfortunately, its not a full schedule of activities that create successful children. Enrichment is good, great even. But like adults, kids need balance. They will have all their adult lives to run around crazy from activity to activity.

Its too bad that free play has been lost in it all (although I did see a PSA on it once). Free play is how children work out issues in their lives, explore the world, experiment, and develop creativity. It also helps them develop the skill of self-entertaining, another things kids of today can't do because of tv and video games. Think of free play as a natural Kumon.

Play also helps relieve stress. Stress is a huge contributor to adult illness, but did you know it also can lead to depression in children?

Finally, one thing I often ask myself when I struggle with "should I do this or that" is how will my kids remember their childhood or tell their adult friends about it when they are grown up? There are many things that I think I won't get a great report on, but one of them won't be that I didn't spend time or play with my kids. Time is the most precious commodity we have to give our children. Time with your son, playing something of his choice (no forced educational stuff), will do more for his self esteem than you can imagine. It will also improve his compliance and make you a hero in his eyes. Odd to say, I know. But it's true. When we spend time with our kids, living in their world through their play, we are sending them a message that they are important to us, even when there are a million of things to get done and places to go.

Again, I'd have him pick a few (2) activities. I'd talk with the school on a possible grade advancement or program he can do at school and perhaps not do the Kumon.

These are just my suggestions. In the end you need to decide what is best for you and your son. However, don't forget that kids are kids and need some unstructured time just like adults do... in fact they need it more because its part of their natural development.

Good luck.
Leslie Truex