Expert: Nelson Mayer - 1/22/2007

Question
Hello, I have 2 daughters that fight all the time the middle child 12 and the last born 10 years old.  They constantly fight with one another and it drives me crazy sometimes to the verge of screaming my head off.  The small one always feels like we take the other ones side and the older one feels like we baby the little one, so i don't know if this is what makes them fight or what.  Any advice??  Thanks

Answer
I really shocked my two of my kids one day I said ok you wanna fight fine...go ahead fight now.......they just kind of looked at each other for a second unsure of what to do.  The fighting is normal (unfortunately) but highly annoying for all involved.  I hope were not talking about hitting here but arguing which is my assumption.  If they are hitting its important for them both to know that this will not be tolerated and punishments should be handed out for any infraction.  

As for the arguing at this age it is important for the girls to begin to learn to solve their own problems.  Its ok for them to argue however they need to do it in a constructive way and learn how to settle their problems in a fair manner.   

They will need guidance through this and you need to set ground rules.  Hitting, swearing, name calling and yelling will not be tolerated and anyone breaking the rules will be punished.  Let them know that arguing is fine but there needs to be a point and if they approach it in a manner that doesn't include hitting, yelling etc...they will have a much easier time solving their problems.  When they come to you fighting let them know they need to go solve it on their own while following the rules and if they cannot solve it they will both be punished.  

Almost all problems have a win win solution once people learn to begin looking for them.  This way you are out of it and are not taking sides because they need to solve it.  On the occasions where you do need to step in......you need to try to help them find the situation where they both win.  AS kids of course they may never be satisfied and you will still get the your taking her side...argument.  Just ensure that you are not doing that and eventually they will grow out of it.   I hope this helps....you seem like a rather intelligent woman though Victoria and I think you probably already had a sense of the answer.  Good luck.

Nelson Mayer