Expert: Evelyn Petersen - 7/26/2004

Question
We are at our wits ends. Today I am calling an Employee Assistance program for help.

We have been married 13 years and have two boys ages 10 and 8.

They pretty much flat out refuse to obey us and are starting to show signs of aggresive, violent behavior.

The simplest request like asking them to leave our bedroom while their mother wants to get dressed is not honored. And when she loses her temper and yells at them, they stare at her and laugh.

They said they will refuse to go to counseling.

I dont know where we went wrong, but this is not the family structure I envisioned in the beginning.

Do you have any thoughts that could help us until we get to the counseling session?

Thanks, Mike

Answer
Dear Mike,
I am appalled at this situation with children that young behaving so badly.  It seems possible to me that you have not been firm enough with your consequeces for bad behavior up to now.  If so you can certainly see that whatever you are doing regarding consequences has not made an impression on them, and you need to stop and do something entirely different!  Believe me, if you don't, they will get worse.  

Have a family meeting with the boys.  Make it mandatory; everyone should be present.  Family meetings are similar to business meetings with a small group where there is brainstorming and problem solving.  Explain that you are upset about the way they are behaving and that it is not acceptable and must change.  It is in THEIR best long term interests for this to change.  Give examples of how this behavior will negatively affect their school work, their fulture friendships, their jobs and relationships with employers and co workers, etc.

Together, make a written list of firm rules about the behaviors that are most upsetting.  Have them help you decide on consequences for not complying with the rules.  Write these down.  Tell them some of the things you like about each of them and how you want to focus on positive communication and behavior instead of continuing the conflicts.  Everyone should sign the contract, and you should meet again in a week to see if modifications should be made.  If there is ANY improvement, you should praise them at the time, and do so again at the meeting.

You should think about the possible causes of this behavior.  If you've NOT had problems in the past years, and they have had firm rules for behavior and complied, what has happened to change their attitude?  Is it the kids they are hanging out with?  Always be open to having your chidlren's buddles over to your house often so you can observe their values and behavior.  You can start this right now to check out that possibility.  

You can also ask advice from another expert, James Windell, who specializes in kids with aggressive or unusual behaviors.  His web site is jameswindell.com  My web site is askevelyn.com