Expert: Evelyn Petersen - 11/27/2006

Question
This is all kind of new to me, asking for help in this nature, but here goes...

I am engaged to a single mother who has a 10 year old boy.  His father left when he was 2, and only sees him during Christmas, at the behest of his parents.  So her son has had little contact with his father.  We had hoped that this would help in the transition to us becoming a family.

Boy, were we wrong.  Since we started dating and I was introduced to her son, he has always felt the need to dominate his mother's attention and try to push me out of the relationship.  This was fine, I expected some resistance.  She and I worked to include him in activities and focus on him, even though it strained our relationship.  But it did work, kind of...

After 2 years dating, and getting him to loosen up some, we became engaged.  I spent alot of time with her son establishing more common ground and playing alot of baseball.  All was good, until recently...

We did not cohabitate, and decided to hold off till marriage.  This was before she decided to take a new job in another part of the state.  This was a great opportunity for her career, and I was able to find a job in my field nearby.  So we decided to move in together when we moved.
Her son was open to it at first, but soon began to change his tune.

She and I have two different styles of parenting.  She prefers to try and reason, then yell if that fails, and to have no set rules, only guidelines.  I believe in setting ground rules and sticking to them.  This has caused some problems, but we are working on it.  She has also made it clear that I am to be the disciplinarian, not her.  

This, I know, is some of the reason for her son's jealousy and rebellion.  He has of late begun to backtalk his mother and I, and refuses to give us any space.  Even to the point of yelling and crying when he is asked to leave our bedroom and give us privacy.  He also recently started telling his mother that he doesn't want me around anymore, but only when I am at work.  When I am around, he refuses to be in that same room as me, even for meals.  

I know that part of this is his age.  I am an ER Nurse and she is a Dentist, so we understand developmental levels.  But it has gotten to the point that I have given all I can give.  She will not change her behavior to help the situation and will not consider therapy for all of us.  I need some help, please.  

Answer
Dear Andy,
It is really a shame for two compatible and intelligent adults with a great relationship as partners to be in a situation where a child is actively trying to damage and destroy that relationship.  

He is ten, but if you and mom don't get this turned around he will continue to grow more manipulative and irresponsible as a teen.  Please, please see that what you do now is going to make a long term difference in the kind of person you are growing.  Surely you don't want to grow a young man who is irresponsible and uncommunicative with his parents and his other relationships.  You see, the parent/child relationship will generally set the patterns for his lifelong relationships.

What you both must do is make a plan that is in his long term best interests as a person, a person who you are guideing along the path to adulthood.  You have to be united in this effort.  You must sit down and develop a simple set of rules for the house. Children need limits and boundaries; this prepares them for life, and also makes them feel more secure, even if they don't say so.  

Parents make the rules of a household, not kids. You need to agree on these rules, from the good manners to speaking to and greeting eachother each day to chores and rules for private time and space.  You need to start simple...not too many.  You also need a plan for logical consequences of misbehavior.

THEN...and this is important, after you two have a plan, you must have a family meeting (with both of you and the son) at a quiet time, like after dinner.  Tell him that you are a family and team and as in any team you need some ground rules and guidelines.  In addition, you are concerned about his current negative behavior because it is not in HIS OWN best long term interest to continue it.  (Give examples of future team efforts he'll be involved in. (School, friends...jobs) STRESS that your concerns are not just about you, but about his best interests.

Have paper and pen ready to write your plan for the simple rules..and ask him for input, though you make the final decisions.  For example, he might want to save face by making small adjustments to the rules.  Then ask him to develop the consequences for breaking rules.  You need his input there too, and put it to him, that the consequences need to be meaningful.  Also get his input as you plan rewards together for any improvement in his behavior.  Write this all down...it is a contract..and all of you sign it.

These techniques are called family meetings or contracts...you can easily get books (or help online) for more guidance on the strategies.   When you have the rules and rewards and consequences on paper and have signed it, plan to meet again in a week to see if modifications are needed.  Also, end your meeting by having each person on the family team say something they like or appreciate about the other persons present.

Good luck...you may also want to look in my column archives at www.askevelyn.com or at other pages in the site.  Evelyn