Expert: Nelson Mayer - 1/20/2007

Question
Hi Nelson,
I'm just seeking an opinion on my 4-year-old daughter's behavior. It has concerned me a bit lately that she is obsessed with being exactly like her playmates. Some examples: a few of her friends have blonde hair rather than brown, so she keeps saying she wants to paint her hair blonde to be like her friends; she wants to paint our house brown like one of her friend's houses; she had a huge tantrum because she glimpsed one of her friend's Hello Kitty underwear and she started sobbing that she wanted Hello Kitty underwear; when it was time to get new sneakers, she  insisted on Dora shoes as her friend has Dora shoes; now she says she doesn't like pictures on her wall or the castle mural on her wall as her friends don't have pictures on their walls, and she doesn't like her princess bed design  as one of her friends has Care Bears.   She isn't trying to mimic one particular friend, there are about 4 that she is obsessing over.

I know that all children want to be like their friends to some degree, but I worry she is going too far and wonder whether this is a developmental stage or a personality trait of being a follower.  She recently started her first school experience, a once weekly program where kids are in one room in a preschool setting and parents work with another teacher to prepare home activities to supplement the classroom work.  It took her a few weeks to adjust to being away from me, but she is doing very well now. She's been getting socialization with other kids for a long time via play groups, play dates and library activities.  Next year, she will go to preschool on her own 3 days per week, and I worry whether this behavior will get worse.  I am torn between wanting to respect her opinions, i.e. I let her choose the shoes she wants and I'm considering making a few changes to her bedroom yet I don't want to send the wrong message  and have her think we have to do what our friends do. I also sound like a broken record, always saying we don't just run out and paint our house or buy something to be like our friends and that it's okay to be different, and I'm not sure whether I'm going overboard making it seem like I'm being critical.  

I'd be interested in any feedback you might have. Thanks, Stacy

Answer
With my first child I spent the first four years of her life encouraging her to be her own person and to be a leader.  I would play barbies with her and when she wanted my ken to be the husband and her Barbie to be the wife I would suggest instead that her Barbie was my boss and my ken worked for her.  Then Kindergarten began and a lot of my work came crashing down.  All of a sudden the Blues Clues shoes she had were no good because one of the kids said that Blues Clues was for babies.  

I can tell from your message that you are an intelligent lady and are well aware that this is a stage all kids go through.  They do go through it to varying degrees and I would agree that your daughter is going a little overboard however you are doing the right thing by encouraging her to be her own person.  Trust me the lesson isn't getting through yet but the words are and if you keep up that broken record it will eventually sink in.  

I also think you are right to allow her some of the changes while also informing her that we don't change everything just to match our friends.  I think its a sign of great parenting by the way when we question whether we are doing the right thing.  Kids learn the most by example so if you continue to lead as you have been this stage will calm down (although it won't ever fully go away).  I hope this helps ease your mind a bit.  

Nelson Mayer