Expert: Leslie Truex - 10/20/2006

Question
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The text above is a follow-up to ..I got your response. Thank you very much. But im still a little confused. As of now my boyfriend and I do not live together. He and his daughter share a bedroom at his house. His daughter has her own room at her moms house. My son share's a bedroom with his dad at his dads house and he has his own bedroom at my house. I am concerned that if my son has to change his lifestyle and share a roon with a baby...it will upset his schedule(sleep and school).I also feel that it will make him feel left out since this is his main home. I feel that if the baby shares a room with the daughter it will not effect her since she is not there much. And she mainly lives at her moms. I know you said it doesnt matter how much we have each child but dont you think there are other things to take into consideration?
-----Question-----
My boyfriend and i are expecting a baby boy in February. I have a 6 year old son. My boyfriend has a five year old daughter. We are having a problem agreeing on the sleeping arrangements. My son stays with me every monday Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday night. He stays with his dad on the weekends. My boyfriend has his daughter every other weekend and every Wednesday.My son lives with me and visits his dad. My boyfriends daughter lives with her mom and visits my boyfriend. In the end he has his daughter 8 days of the month. I have my son 16 days of the month. My question is who should share a room with the newborn?
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Hi Cristy,
Initially, you can keep the baby with you. Since babies get up so much at night, it will be more convenient to have the baby nearby.

I take it that right now each child has their own room. The easy answer to your question is that the baby should sleep with whomever is the same gender. If its a girl, it shares with the daughter and if its a boy it shares with the son.

However, if it is a girl, I would spend time making sure that your boyfriend's daughter has a place that feels like its her place. The room can be decorated in such a way as making it hers. You don't want her feeling like a guest in your home. She needs to feel its her home too.

If its a boy, you can create the same type of place in your son's room.

Perhaps you have been thinking of having the baby in the girl's room regardless as she's not there as much as your son, and your son lives there twice as much (although still only 1/2 a month). But the amount of time each child is with shouldn't be the issue. These are your kids 100 of the time whether they are with you or not. One should not be penalized simply because she's there less. Each should be considered equally. If they both lived with you full time, what would you do? Probably put the same gender kids together, as I suggested.

This is fair and won't have the kids thinking that one is being considered above the other.

Of course, the other option is to get a bigger house and let every one have their own room:)

Leslie Truex

Answer
Hi Cristy,
Am I right in thinking you will live together? Because if you don't live together then I assume the baby would go where ever you have room? But if you plan to live together, that changes.

Yes it will be an adjustment which is why keeping the baby with you at first will be best, for everyone including you. But, let's say that you were married, and all the kids were with you all the time. Then what would you do? Having a baby show up in a place that is yours is disrupting whether you live there full time or not. Both kids will likely not like the arrangement at first. But, by making the rule something like, "if its a boy it stays with a boy..." then its not a matter of YOUR choosing which kid gets disrupted. Instead, its in God's hands so to speak. Then you and your boyfriend aren't the bad guys.

While having the baby with your son will be disruptive, imagine what its like coming to "visit' and not having a sense of belonging on the 8 days she's there. So you and your boyfriends goal is to make sure that where ever the baby goes, that the other kids need to feel they are a part of family.

It sounds to me like you'd like the baby to stay with the daughter...and that can be done for a little while. If your baby is a boy, you shouldn't do that once the baby is about 4 years old.

Leslie Truex