Expert: Mona R. Spiegel, Ph.D. - 9/17/2006

Question
Do you have any suggestions for how to "relax?"  She has plenty of play/imaginary time when she is home from school, but even this she turns into a performance thing.  
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Followup To

Question -
Earlier today, I discovered that my 7-year-old daughter lied to her teacher about a homework assignment.  I made her write a letter to her teacher explaining that she hadn't told the truth, and that she was sorry for this.  Now my daughter is terrified that she is really going to get in trouble, and she is very mad at herself for making this mistake.  Before bed, we have "snuggle time" and tonight she mentioned that she is afraid she will continue to make bad choices, and that she didn't know how to be "good."  I explained to her (as I have sooo many times)that we all make mistakes, and that no one expects her to be good all the time.  Then I said something like "All I ever want you to be is yourself, try to do good, and learn from mistakes."  Then she was more troubled because she wants to know "how to be (her)self"  I said to do the things that she likes to do, but she said she only wants to do the things that will get her in trouble.  I so appreciate that she wants to work through this with me. How do I boost this child's esteem so that she knows what it means to be herself and know that that is an O.K. (even great!) person?

Answer -
Dear Judy,

Is it possible that your daughter is under too much pressure, whether internally or externally imposed?

Helping her to relax - and btw for you, too, to relax - will be important as the school year progresses.

Sincerely,
Dr. Mona Spiegel
"My Family Coach"
www.myfamilycoach.com  

Answer
That's a good question!  Each one of us, adult as well as child, has our own individual way of relaxing.  

Relaxing is not only physical.  Relaxing one's standards, allowing oneself to make mistakes, and being emotionally relaxed are all parts of the equation.

Some people find it helpful to read about muscle relaxation and deep breathing techniques to help one relax.  I don't know what's published for children, so check your local library.  

Finally, examine your own modes of behavior; after all,  the best way for a child to learn is through observing her parents.

All the best,
Dr. Mona Spiegel
www.myfamilycoach.com