Expert: Melinda Mantilla - 9/28/2006

Question
Last year my husband and I seperated.  We are dealing with an ugly divorce that involves mental illness, drug dependency and alcoholism (on his part).  My children rarely see their dad, as he explains that he is too depressed to face them.  I am parenting completely alone and having difficulty holding the "alpha dog" position.  Interestingly, I had behavioural issues with my Great Dane prior to having children.  I have read all the reward advice and such, but the children have gotten to the point where they will not respond to any punishment (they get punished-time outs, grounding, TV and computer loss, etc.), but to no avail.  Do you have any advice that will help me gain control of my two children (girl age 11 and boy age 9)?

Thanks!

Answer
Robin,

I have a friend who just went thru a not-as-nasty divorce as yours, but nevertheless a divorce. He left her as he had another woman. The daughter, age 10, started acting out horribly in school, home, etc. She just would not listen at all. Come to find out she was rebelling which was totally normal. But what helped this little girl was therapy. I apologize but nothing I can say will help your kids as this is just totally normal, they are upset and feel terribly abandoned. All you can do is love them. I recommend getting both kids into therapy immediately, don't waste time, it is imperative you choose someone with experience  with children, because it's going to be hard getting kids to open up. Now my friend took her girls to therapy and saw a difference after the first visit, the girls needed to be reminded she was their stable rock, and that she loved them.

Good luck and keep me posted!