AboutLeslie Truex Expertise I am a parent of two, but also I'm a social worker with over 15 year experience working with children and families. I can provide many tips and techniques to help with child behavior, interventions for specific behavioral issues, ideas to help children through difficult times such as divorce or grief, hints on keeping the family running smoothly, and tips for developing confident, happy children.
Experience I have a master's in social work and over 15 years experience working with children and families. I have worked in schools, public health, mental health and adoption agencies providing parent education courses and children's groups.
Question i just wanted to thank you for your suggestions. After his kidergarten conference yesterday I was devistated that the teacher focused on this issue and made it seem really abnormal for a child his age. The examples she gave me were really quite benign( he wasnt hitting or throwing things...just welling up with tears and sighing loudly which is annoying but not pathological) He is an excellent student, has lots and lots of friends and is very empathetic towards other people. I will try your suggestions....they seem perfect for this situation. I too feel that although some of this may be part of his personality, much of it he will outgrow, and eventually if his behavior is so out there, he will get pressure from other kids that its not cool to act like that, friendships may suffer, but he'll get the point that its not socially acceptable to behave that way anymore. His teacher is brand new....1st year teaching at this school and is very young with no kids of her own. She suggested looking into the Rainbow Room program at his school which she said she didn't know much about but thought it helped kids with emotional problems. After looking into it myself he no where near meets the criteria for this program, it is really meant for children with severly disruptive emotional issues. Do you think at his point such intervention is needed or would it best be handled by his father, teacher and myself? I can't tell you how much I value your time and your opinion! Thank you! Beckie Seitz
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Followup To
Question -
My 5 year old son is a friendly, outgoing happy child, but has some issues controlling his emotions. He always wants to win, always wants to be first,wants to be called on in class to "help", or answer questions. If he doesn't get picked he gets very upset....sometimes angry, sometimes sad, but always frusterated. How can his father and I help him learn to let things go and make him understand you don't always have to win or be first?
Answer -
Hi Beckie,
Its not that unusual for 5 year olds to still be wanting to be front and center although, it should be something that is on the decline especially if your child is in school.
There are a couple of things you can do. First, help your son learn to manage anger. Now he's old enough to have words (where as toddlers have tantrums). Help him define what's going on by providing words (not yelling) to what's going on. "I know you're frustrated (angry, hurt, sad, etc) that you didn't get picked..." And then provide appropriate ways to express these feelings. It's not okay to throw things etc, but what is okay? He can't simply not feel so he needs a way to express feelings appropriately. If his emotions are energy, he can run around the outside of the house or yell into a pillow, etc. He can draw a picture of his anger or frustration. You can get feeling cards, etc.
Second, at a time he's not upset, you can have a discussion about taking turns etc. You may have tried this. Like many things in life, it often takes more than one lesson to instill learning. He needs to be reminded that he can't always get what he wants. Children are usually empathetic so it may help to explain this in terms of other children. How does he think other children would feel if he was always first or always called on etc? You can even go so far as to ask how he thinks other children feel when he gets mad or sad when he doesn't get his way.
There is a fun book about this issue called "I Want It Now: Helping Children Deal with Frustration and Disappointment"
by Chris Loftis. Its a picture book that tells the story of a boy who doesn't get what he wants. Play and fun provides many ways to help children deal with frustration.
Check with your school's guidance counselor or local mental health center to see if they have children's groups on social skills, anger management or making friends. These groups are usually fun and provide specific skills for your son to use.
Also, when he does manage a frustrating situation, be sure to notice it and tell him you noticed. This praise can go a long way to reinforcing appropriate behavior. "I know you really wanted to go first. I'm so proud that you were able to let Joe have a turn at being first."
Finally, some of this he'll likely grow out of as he matures a bit more. But by helping him understand his feelings and how to express them appropriately, he can help him better manage his emotions. That doesn't mean he won't be upset about not getting picked first, but he'll deal with in in a way that is healthier and less annoying.
Leslie Truex
Answer Hi Beckie,
My response only takes into account basic child development and what you told me (much I didn't know such as did he go to preschool, are there siblings, etc). With that said, teachers may or may not have a good grasp of child developement and so, they may not have a good sense of what to recommend.
From your description, I imagine your son may be a bit immature socially and often through peer pressure and support from adults, they do grow out of it.
However, it will be behavior you will want to watch. If by the time he's six, its still a significant problem, you may want to look at some intervention. I don't know about Rainbow Room, however, schools often have small group programs in "making friends", "building self-esteem" etc and they are designed for kids like yours; not severe issues but could use some skills to help them succeed. If your school doesn't have it, something like Boy Scouts, team sports, or another group activity may help. Or your local mental health clinic may have groups too. This is especially true if your son doesn't have any friends or reports hating school on a regular basis.
Other than that, simply teaaching him skills to cope with frustration and giving him an appropriate outlet (this can be negotiated with the teacher at school as well), will give him the tools he needs to cope.
