AboutLeslie Truex Expertise I am a parent of two, but also I'm a social worker with over 15 year experience working with children and families. I can provide many tips and techniques to help with child behavior, interventions for specific behavioral issues, ideas to help children through difficult times such as divorce or grief, hints on keeping the family running smoothly, and tips for developing confident, happy children.
Experience I have a master's in social work and over 15 years experience working with children and families. I have worked in schools, public health, mental health and adoption agencies providing parent education courses and children's groups.
Question My 5 year old son is a friendly, outgoing happy child, but has some issues controlling his emotions. He always wants to win, always wants to be first,wants to be called on in class to "help", or answer questions. If he doesn't get picked he gets very upset....sometimes angry, sometimes sad, but always frusterated. How can his father and I help him learn to let things go and make him understand you don't always have to win or be first?
Answer Hi Beckie,
Its not that unusual for 5 year olds to still be wanting to be front and center although, it should be something that is on the decline especially if your child is in school.
There are a couple of things you can do. First, help your son learn to manage anger. Now he's old enough to have words (where as toddlers have tantrums). Help him define what's going on by providing words (not yelling) to what's going on. "I know you're frustrated (angry, hurt, sad, etc) that you didn't get picked..." And then provide appropriate ways to express these feelings. It's not okay to throw things etc, but what is okay? He can't simply not feel so he needs a way to express feelings appropriately. If his emotions are energy, he can run around the outside of the house or yell into a pillow, etc. He can draw a picture of his anger or frustration. You can get feeling cards, etc.
Second, at a time he's not upset, you can have a discussion about taking turns etc. You may have tried this. Like many things in life, it often takes more than one lesson to instill learning. He needs to be reminded that he can't always get what he wants. Children are usually empathetic so it may help to explain this in terms of other children. How does he think other children would feel if he was always first or always called on etc? You can even go so far as to ask how he thinks other children feel when he gets mad or sad when he doesn't get his way.
There is a fun book about this issue called "I Want It Now: Helping Children Deal with Frustration and Disappointment"
by Chris Loftis. Its a picture book that tells the story of a boy who doesn't get what he wants. Play and fun provides many ways to help children deal with frustration.
Check with your school's guidance counselor or local mental health center to see if they have children's groups on social skills, anger management or making friends. These groups are usually fun and provide specific skills for your son to use.
Also, when he does manage a frustrating situation, be sure to notice it and tell him you noticed. This praise can go a long way to reinforcing appropriate behavior. "I know you really wanted to go first. I'm so proud that you were able to let Joe have a turn at being first."
Finally, some of this he'll likely grow out of as he matures a bit more. But by helping him understand his feelings and how to express them appropriately, he can help him better manage his emotions. That doesn't mean he won't be upset about not getting picked first, but he'll deal with in in a way that is healthier and less annoying.
